Tag Archives: The Bachelor

Nick Viall Is STILL Vile – The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap

This week on The Bachelor, it was confirmed that not one person cares about the well-being of Nick and his happily ever after, and that we’re literally only here to watch Corinne whore herself out while Liz attempts to persuade America that she’s actually not a serial-stalker craving fame. Wait, but did you guys know that Liz and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?

Nick expresses his concerns that the girls will be worried about his history with past rejection, which is actually a legit worry to have, so thankfully he’s on a show where all anybody cares about is a winning title and Sugar Bear Hair sponsorships.

Not even three minutes into the first group date, all I want to think about is drowning Corinne in the pool. The girls show up to a photo shoot where Nick has to pose as their groom. At this point, there is literally no more humiliation Nick can endure than being a four-time-Bachelortise, so what harm could a first date wedding shoot be, amiright?

The girls are greeted by a photographer, who dropped straight out of an ’80s porno, when he gives them the most hideous wedding dresses. By the surprisingly accurate gown assignments, I could actually see each of these girls dressing up in their specified themes:

Vanessa: Old-fashioned ’80s virgin bride.
Dolphin hooker: Knocked-up small town bride with daddy’s hand-me-down gun.
Girl that thinks The Bachelor is her real-life fairytale: Princess bride.
Corinne: Topless whore bride.

The only actual words Nick says throughout this entire date are during Corinne’s skinny dip sesh, when he says, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever blushed this much,” which is really something you say on national television to cover up a hard-on.

The girls act like they’ve been crushing on Nick for months after only having a drunken 4-minute convo with him the night before and posing for photos sans-dialogue with him the next day. They each get to kiss him, saying god awful things, like “Oh goody, I just tasted the last girl you kissed,” with a hint of subtle bitch tone. Oh, and this shoot also brings out their immaculate intellect.

Corinne: “Being number one is better than being number two, or going number two.”
-Things super sophisticated women who run multi-million dollar companies say.

Corinne: “I really felt Nick’s spark in that pool.”
Yeah we bet you did.

I could make a solid coffee table read out of these Corinne-isms and it hasn’t even been two full episodes.

The group date cocktail party is even better reality television. The girls cry over being stolen when trying to talk to Nick, but maybe they shoulda planned something better to say with their valuable time, like idk sticking their tongues down his throat.

Raven: “I’m not calling you an ass hole, but I’m just really attracted to them. Like I really like you.”

Mental health therapist clearly uses her John Hopkins degree to its fullest potential:
“You do this like thing where you get a thought and like go with it, you know? It’s super cute.”
Nick: “I do. I do do that. Yeah.”
V intellectually stimulating.

Corinne gets the group rose because producers need ratings. She says her dad would be proud, even though she was naked on national television… business must be booming now.

Back at the house, Liz reveals that she wants to keep this whole “hush-hush one night stand with Nick 9 months ago at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” thing under wraps. So naturally she blabs it to the one person in the house who looks like her hair is full of secrets.

Nick gives the next one-on-one date to blonde southern Danielle, who may possibly die in her sleep before next week after being attacked by crazy-eyed Liz. The two go on a super original, super boring helicopter yacht date, but that’s probably because she actually seems normal.

She drops a bomb on Nick saying her fiancé ODed and she walked in on him while doing so, and somehow he managed to keep all signs of hardcore addiction away from her. He then gives her advice on how to get past her loss, which lasts the entire date.

The next group date was one I had the pleasure of witnessing in real life as an audience member, and served as one that Nick clearly used as research for ways to actually break up with all of them in the near future.

Before the girls got to reenact a breakup with Nick, they walked through the museum of broken relationships, to only find the engagement ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn. Ten bucks says they snatched it before leaving… extra snack money.

The girls seemed to be more turned on by breaking up with Nick than actually dating him, which solves a lot. Josephine takes things too seriously and slaps the shit out of Nick, but he prob woulda chosen that over the 30-min prewritten poem Liz wrote him about their blackout hookup.

Liz: “I was hurt, so I wasn’t fully ready to let you in.”
Nick: That’s not what I recall…

It was only a matter of time until Christen spilled the truth to either Nick or another girl about Liz, like the scum-sucking road whore she is. Just kidding.

Liz thinks she’s about to get solid one-on-one time with Nick to giggle about their super memorable night together but he clearly had enough of Liz since like 9 months ago, and cans her. Maybe she’ll better luck with Chad.

Can’t wait for the other girls to find out about Nick and Liz, because it wouldn’t be a Nick Viall season without Nick Viall having preconceived sex with at least one contestant, right?

The Bachelor Season 21 Premiere: Fourth Time’s a Charm?

Nick Viall is back on the saddle for what America can only hope is his last attempt at finding love on national television after being canned like 12 other times… but for real, I was actually starting to miss spending every week with him for the past two years.

The night many have been waiting for for the sole purpose of having an excuse to drink wine on a Monday again has finally arrived. Honestly though, I don’t even feel that bad for Nick because if he doesn’t come out of this with a girl on his fourth attempt at conquering a reality television love, he’ll prob be able to submit himself into the Guinness Book of World Records… or just rehab.

Nick is screwed from the get-go when his so-called ‘pals’ from the previous seasons of The Bachelor literally shit all over him directly to his face. After pretty much admitting he has no hope, Chris Soules: Super Successful Bachelor Enthusiast, gifts Nick with a “Bachelor” survival kit courtesy of Target’s travel toiletries section. Ben Higgins tells Nick in preacher-tone that Nick isn’t as shady as he used to be, but still kinda a d-bag, because he’s clearly the center of all reason, considering the monstrosity of a show that is Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever Whatever.

Nick’s intro is filmed mostly shirtless in Chicago and in the shower, and I can’t decide if I’m more concerned that he’s incapable of saying the word “BASSHHHELOR” or that Jillian’s black censor box was bigger than his…

But the whole reason why we’re here is to watch 30 of America’s most eligible bachelorettes make us feel like we’re at least slightly normal while they attempt to make only themselves believe that Nick is the SOLE reason why they’re here… because every girl dreams of marrying a 3-time reality TV rejectee.

So here are the eight profiled women, not in order of Can-I-Just-Die-Now:

Rachel (Civil Defense Litigator and only one of age to rent a car): She gets the first impression rose so she’s safe for at least half the season. But the bummer about seemingly normal girls on The Bachelor is that they automatically get tossed into the ‘K so what the hell is wrong with you?’ category. In due time…

Vanessa (Special-ed teacher/actual angel): Is every man’s fantasy for multiple reasons: She speaks like 15 languages and also rocks the shit out of that Spiderman dress she wore.

Corinne (Owner of platinum vajine & actual in-house slave): Quickly claims her throne as this season’s Regina George when she Veruca Salt’s daddy into giving her his multi-million dollar company. She’s more oblivious than a cucumber and also apparently isn’t capable of cutting one herself. Just no.

Raven (By far the best dressed in Arkansas): May have needed subtitles to comprehend, but she lives by family, faith and football and making America great again.

Danielle L. (Probably another business owner): I literally remember nothing about her except that she brought her A-game, her D-cups and could SLAY in a Pantene commercial.

Danielle M. (Neonatal nurse from Nashville): Cute but far too normal and boring for Bachelor standards. Better luck with Prince Farming.

Alexis (Marine life challenged, grade-A nut job): My favorite act of the night by far, but mostly because of Katy Perry’s Left Shark with heels pairing. This also undoubtedly earns her at least a few more weeks, and the fact that she got blackout wasted and actually got in the pool AND got a rose makes her an all-around MVP.

Liz (ghost from Nick’s fuckboy past): In case it wasn’t clear, Liz had sex with Nick. Liz rejected Nick when he asked her for the pity phone number after said bone sesh. Liz thinks she has an easy ‘in’ because Nick might remember her. Nick whips out reverse fuckboy psychology on Liz saying she could’ve reached out if she were actually interested. Liz will still become Instagram famous after she’s canned next week.

“Nick doesn’t remember me, but I’m totally ok with it because MYSTERY.”
-A really sad untrue quote.

Animals seemed to be a popular choice last night when one girl rode in on a camel. The entire house seemed envious of the entrance, but it wasn’t until sweet Lacey opened her mouth, and everything went south. “I heard you like a good hump.” In her defense, it’s probably not entirely false.

A few other noteworthy mentions go out to Josephine, who presented Nick with a raw uncooked hot dog inside a book, and word-vomitted the line, “You’re a weiner in my book.” To make matters worse, she also made a straight man deep-throat dick-shaped food on national television.

Jamie used her septum nose ring as a prop to kick off her line, “I’ve got balls, just like you!” which immediately confused all of America because she may actually have a pair of testicles.

Another contestant was a mental health professional who put her heard-earned degree to good use by looking for love on the one show guaranteed to make every woman develop some type of mental illness over time.

Taylor relayed the message to Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit, and Lauren attempted to win his heart over by saying that his last name was atrocious, but that it’s totally ok because together their two last names, Viall and Hussy, formed a ‘disgusting slut.’

The rose ceremony couldn’t have been more uneventful and predictable. Corinne and her sexual aggression went in for the awkward makeout, sending her farther down the shit list. The entire rose ceremony consisted of Liz regretting giving Nick a mediocre handy 9 months ago, and Kristina, who nobody cares about, crying because she somehow became so invested in Nick within 2 hours and probably won’t get a rose.

But shocker, she did which means RIP next week, Kris.