This week’s episode was fantastic but also couldn’t have sucked more. Besides the fact that America was already on edge and wanted to rip Chris Harrison’s testicles out for starting the “To Be Continued” bullshit early on in the season, half the girls got booted in the best ways possible, but from here on out, it’s about to be sloppy sobfest.
By now, we’ve become familiar with the predictable production enough to know that Ben was never going to take Olivia’s rose away, but hey, we’re all still here, so ABC is kinda winning. Producers caught up with Ben and were all, “Yo, sack up and keep her for one more round… if you do this for us, we’ll give you another shitty McDonald’s commercial.”
Olivia gets taken aside, thinking she’s about to get a ring, and the girls all begin talking about who tattled on her to Ben first.
Becca subtly declared who first broke the news to Ben: “Emily brought it up first!!!!”
Twin: “The fuggg bitch? How many seasons you been on?”
Ben, attempting to give a shit, asks Olivia wtf her deal is.
Olivia: “It’s just been hard to relate to these girls. They paint their nails. I like thinking. They don’t.”
Ben’s doing quick math of one more week’s paycheck in his head, and is like, “$$$$$.”
Ben’s cocktail party speech went something like this: “Thanks for being the women that you all are. Except for like 80% of you.”
Leah got a rose and Bachelor Nation let out a unanimous, “Huh?” but apparently the foreign nonverbal language between Ben and Olivia is seriously heating up and she’s probs getting off to the thought of herself getting a rose.
Jennifer got booted, but like, that’s fine. Ben then breaks it to the girls that they’re going to the Bahamas and they all shit their pants thinking about that time they misplaced their dignities in the Bahamas during Spring Break ’13.
Amanda: “This is like the most romantic place we’ve been.” But what about Vegas?
The first date card is for Caila, and she’s going deep sea fishing, you know, every girl’s dream date.
Ben: “I feel like our last date consisted of Kevin Hart and Ice Cube cock blocking me in a romantic hot tub store, and I just wasn’t able to finish.” Or something about unfinished business, but we caught your drift, Higgi.
Leah is getting more camera time than Olivia’s mouth, shockingly enough, but she starts crying about not getting noticed by Ben. TBH, if she were smart she would’ve spent the day out on the town downing overpriced Piña Coladas and no one would’ve noticed she even left.
Meanwhile, Ben and Caila look miserable while Caila stands on the edge of the boat inside a floatie attached to her fishing pole, which is probably the worst idea since creating a show about one dude dating 25 girls. But anyway, the date gets cut short when Caila gets yanked in the water by a giant squid and dies. JK.
Ben: “Caila is cool and all but sometimes she’s like a cheerleader on crack having an orgasm at Disneyland, and I need her to calm the eff down.”
Caila, with a huge smile on her face: “I feel like I love you, but I’m probs gonna break your heart.”
Ben: “Cool. Um, what?”
Caila: “Actually JK, this is the real deal.”
Ben: ***PHEW, I totally get her now.
The group date is an actual shit show probs ’cause Ben takes the girls to a deserted island to swim with wild pigs and feed them hot dogs, because ABC couldn’t afford a swimming with dolphins package.
Becca flailing a raw weiner in the air is like, “How do I maneuver this?”
Ben: “This is SOOO fun, the girls are having a blast.”
Girls: Fuck this shit.
The twin and Olivia are on heavy watch back at the hotel when twin has the nerve to call her sister again: “Guess where I am, bitch!?”
Twin: “IDC just don’t come home. Mom already turned your room into a gym.”
Leah is still crying on the pig date, and Ben successfully breaks the ice: “Do you like pigs?”
Leah made her memorable entrance and exit into Season 20 of The Bachelor during the cocktail party after she bitched about Ben not making an effort to get to know her, so naturally, she used all her time to trash talk Lauren B., making Olivia seem semi-tolerable for a hot sec.
Producers: “Can you randomly become the bitch, we’ll let you stay an extra day after you get booted this week.”
After the rose ceremony, Leah and her eyebrows try to sabotage Lauren B. once again by sneaking off into Ben’s hotel room, and all of America is ready with popcorn.
Ben: “The more Leah talks, the more I hate her.”
Leah: “I just feel like it’s SO right between us.”
Ben: “Go home, Linda.”
Leah: “He’s so confusing.” But actually he’s not.
The 2-on-1 date begins and Olivia’s head is up her own ass again and we get to endure the awkward car ride between the two who are chained down so they can’t rip each others’ weaves out before the date.
Liv: “Come at me bro.”
Ben takes them to a secluded island where the loser could be left to rot and nobody would know. Olivia talks out of her ass about the ongoing nonverbal love connection that Ben has been unaware of since day one. Since she has nothing more in common with him, her only possible way of staying one more episode is pulling out the love card.
Olivia: He pretty much just proposed to me.
Ben: “The boat is that way.”
Unfortunately Olivia’s cankles exceeded the boat’s weight capacity (again, SHE SAID IT, not me), so she watched Ben and twin sail off into the storm, and she and the pigs lived happily ever after.
Lauren H. ends up being the only one eliminated during the last rose ceremony, but at least she has Spanish modeling to fall back on. The episode ends with Ben standing on the edge of a cliff during a hurricane: “What if all this is for nothing?” If that’s the case, do us all a solid and plz tell us now. And don’t jump.