Last night on The Bachelorette, we were promised that this week was going to be “HUGE” by Jojo, when really, the outcome was obvious two weeks ago after she handed out two pity roses to both Lord Farquad and Shrek the friendly giant, only to cut them both this week. GASP.
Chris Harrison starts off by blabbing some BS that I didn’t really listen to about Jojo having a really hard time choosing who’s going to meet her family… maybe because she’s dating like 6 guys.
Chris: “Jojo’s so torn between which guys her brothers won’t want to go straight OJ Simpson on next weekend, so bear with her, but you’d probs be better off getting the fuck outta here.”
Alex gets the one-on-one date of this week, because the producers are sick of hearing him constantly bitching, and it was evident he was getting the boot right off the bat after he stuck Pringles in his mouth, acting like a fucking duck. #FriendZone
He then tries some freestyle rap about him and Jojo hitting up a liquor store, or a “Lick-Oh Sto”. They arrive at some ranch where the gauchos actually laugh in his face, probs because he’s lacking like 3 feet. Alex and Jojo change into gaucho-inspired clothing, but instead Alex steps out looking like the wicked witch’s munchkin.
The rest of the guys, along with the hotel slippers Robby jacked, take a summer camp bus to their next hotel, where they also sing idiot raps about Alex, which is actually kinda funny. I wonder if they all think about the fact that they’ve all felt up the same girl…
Jojo: “I’m so glad I had this one-on-one date with Alex, because it reassured me that we have absolutely nothing in common, except our height.”
Meanwhile, PETA is shitting their pants after the real gaucho practically performs a live sex show with the horse. The poor horse is pinned to the ground when Alex and Jojo lay on top of it and start making out.
Alex: Yo soy tu goocho.
Jojo: I’m not going anywhere near your fucking goocho.
But really though, gaucho man has more chemistry with the horse than Alex and Jojo.
During dinner, Alex, who’s never even had a solo date with Jojo, pulls the “I love you” card because obvi he’s in the shitter at this point.
Alex: I’m falling in love with you.
Jojo: I’m good, thanks.
Alex doesn’t even look her in the eyes after saying goodbye, but tbh Jojo gives zero fucks.
Jordan gets the next one-on-one date, so we can watch them bone against a wall the entire time. They go to a vineyard, where they squish a bucket of grapes with their bare feet, skipping like 12 steps and 4 years in the fermentation process, and eventually ‘cheers’ over a glass of squashed grape juice mixed with sweaty sock residue.
After going to second base in a random jacuzzi, Jojo and Jordan talk about who she would meet if she were to go home to his family.
Jordan: You’ll meet my older brother Luke, and my mom, and my da-
Jojo: K, but like what about your rich NFL brother?
Jordan talks mad shit on Aaron Rogers on live television, saying that he doesn’t get along with the family, also leaving no subtlety in the ‘jealousy’ department.
“I could’ve kept playing, but I felt like football didn’t define me” – says every guy ever who gets sacked from the NFL.
Something’s telling me it was Jordan who fucked their relationship up.
Jordan also pulls the love card at dinner, and Jojo wets her pants on the spot.
Three guys get a group date with a rose on the date, so James Taylor, Chase and Robby meet in Jojo’s hotel to eat junk food and play truth or dare because ABC was probs sued for the disturbing horse-fucking date.
James Taylor tries to amp up his sex appeal by deep-throating a plateful of fries, only it backfires when he projectile voms all over the bathroom.
The slumber party-turned massage party quickly escalates to three dudes and Jojo laying on a bed together. Sick.
James Taylor tries the whole ‘get ahead by throwing everyone else down’ act by saying that Robby looked at another girl the other day, which probs means that James Taylor masturbates to his mother.
JUST BECAUSE HE’S ON THE JOJO DIET, DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN’T LOOK AT THE BRAZILIAN MENU, JAMES TAYLOR. LET HIM LIVE.
Robby reassures Jojo that he’s actually a shady fuck and that he’ll probably cheat on her because he promised his ex half his paycheck.
James: Why aren’t you attracted to me?
Jojo: I’m just not into guys that could potentially love me forever and not cheat on me.
To nobody’s surprise, Jojo gives Robby the rose, because he reassured her that he’s totally in this by saying, “I’m totally in this.”
I honestly think I fell asleep during Jojo’s one-on-one date with Luke, but it had something to do with horses and shooting things. They probably made out and she was also reassured by him with some sappy BS.
During the rose ceremony, Jojo tries to ease the tension, claiming that she totes remembers this ceremony when she was fighting for Ben’s heart.
Jojo: I remember this day because it was the day before my brothers fucked this whole thing up for me. Good luck.
America was TOTALLY speechless when Jojo dropped the two people we NEVER EVEN SAW COMING. We’ve officially learned that Jojo’s type is tight pants with a questionable career choice and a side of douche bag.
Best of luck James Taylor, keep doing what you’re doing… those poems ain’t gonna Bumble bio themselves.