I know last week I bitched about producers gyping us with a bullshit one-hour episode, but after hour 2.5 last night, I was genuinely thinking about taking a sharpened pencil to my eyeball. But GUESS WHO GOT HER GROOVE BACK?! I honestly think I’m more satisfied hearing that Raven was finally satisfied than I will be to see who wins this whole thing.
Really the only question anyone even cared about knowing the answer to was whether or not Raven would achieve precious orgasm, and seeing that she’s never really been one to beat around the bush (no pun intended) when it comes to rattling off personal info we really could’ve gone without hearing, we knew she wouldn’t let us down.
Producers clearly didn’t waste any time in egging on the whole “Climaxgate” as Raven and Nick wake up in a tiny igloo-shaped cabin that fit a bed, and ONLY a bed.
Raven to her close secret confidants AKA the cameras: “Nick is prettttty good at what he does. Safe to say I’m pretty satisfied this morning.”
I feel like since she’s gotten so good at faking orgasms with her drunk ex for two years, she’s now completely incapable of differentiating fabricated and factual completion.
We then get to witness the most classy walk of shame as Raven parades around Finland making snow angels and kissing reindeer. Honestly, I would’ve believed that Raven had an actual orgasm if she left the hotel wearing last night’s gown, one less shoe and accidental volumized second-day curls:
Rachel arrives to what she’ll soon find out is ironically the most miserable white-person activity ever: cross-country skiing.
Nick then admits that he’s falling for Rachel, which 1. is against all rules of Bachelor verbalism and 2. is a serious dick move considering all of America knows he’s about to dump her. She spends the morning DGAFing hardcore in a penguin onesie after putting on just as fake of a satisfied face as she did as with Nick the night before.
Rachel watching Nick walk away thinking about dating 30 guys next month:
Vanessa prances up to Nick like ‘bishhh I got this in the bag.‘ Oh but if you thought shedding 12 pounds of sweat in four layers of clothing while cross-country skiing was horrendous, try dunking in an ice bath three times, you know, just to see who can reach life-threatening levels of frostbite first.
Just as Vanessa’s hometown date went to shit, so does this date as they spend the entire time fighting about how Vanessa won’t compromise spending Sundays in Canada eating lunch with her family.
Vanessa: Relationships are all about compromising.
Also Vanessa: I refuse to miss out on Italian lunches.
Vanessa again: Would you ever consider moving to Canada?
Nick: Uhhh, like don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m tryna make America great again n shit.
Shouldn’t this have been talked about on like date 3? Seems like a pretty big deal breaker. But apparently the only thing on Nick’s mind was having subpar missionary makeup sex with Vanessa.
The rose ceremony was absolutely useless because obviously Rachel was about to get canned. During the ceremony, Nick begins to cry, but in all seriousness, I’d be concerned if he didn’t. Without any explanation, he dumps Rachel, lets her go without any actual reason why he suddenly had a change of heart… WAY TO TOIL WITH OUR EMOTIONS AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THESE TWO HAD THE BEST CHEMISTRY, ABC. I honestly think he was paid to let her go so she could be the first black bachelorette.
Now he’s stuck with either trying to not get beat in the head with a stiletto by Raven or shoving ravioli down his throat every weekend with Vanessa’s whacked out family. Sucks to suck, Nick.