Raven Can’t Get No Satisfaction – The Bachelor Episode 9 Recap

As if Andi Dorfman’s unnecessary drop-in, Raven the orgasm virgin, and that fucking turtleneck sweater weren’t a big enough combo of boner-killers, ABC has just knowingly gifted us with the ultimate case of blue balls after cutting this week’s episode short an entire hour. I feel like producers were completely checked out like 4 weeks ago because it’s like they constantly want us to feel Raven’s frustration of NEVER BEING SATISFIED.

Andi kicks off the ep by barging into Nick’s hotel room with the sole purpose of dishing out all the rest of the digs she had on him that didn’t make the cut in her first book, seeing that it was unsurprisingly NOT considered for a sequel.

She’s like the type of girl in the bathroom line you don’t know but automatically hate because she speaks like 12 decibels higher than everyone else just to hear herself talk about her ex-hookup not liking her Instagram pic.

Andi: Wait so these girls all actually stuck around?

Andi: So you gonna bone these girls?
Nick: Idk can you get off my dick now.

Andi: Do you ever look back and wish that you wouldn’t have told everyone that we fucked on national television?

Andi’s final words to Nick: “Good luck, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love!”
-The kind of condescending shit my roommate says to me before I leave for a Bumble date.

While Nick and Andi are enjoying their whiskey in a cozy heated hotel room, the four remaining girls are downstairs in the windy frigid temperatures of New York City waiting to find out their fate.

Nick to Corinne: ‘BYE, BYE, BYE.’

Corinne’s limo confession is for sure every tearful drunken conversation I’ve ever had with my Uber driver after Sunday Funday:

Corinne leaves The Bachelor just as we remembered her, assembling in full nap mode with a glass of champs. Until next season of Bachelor in Paradise!

The remaining three and Nick travel to Finland AKA the PERFECT place to fall in love, which would be much more believable coming out of Chris Harrison’s mouth had this not been Nick Viall’s fourth season.

Also Corinne would never in a million years be seen with Nick wearing that ugliest effing turtleneck sweater I’ve ever seen.

Producers got real creative with the season’s truth bomb confession considering there were no virgin contestants this time around, so they whipped out the next best thing: Raven’s inability to reach sexual completion.

-Right, so leave it to the dude who’s dressed like an uncircumcised penis to get the job done…

Raven tells Nick she’s only been ‘sexually active’ with one other guy, like the lie I tell to my gyno every year.

Raven builds up to the climax (no pun intended) of her sappy spiel by telling Nick she’s never felt this way about a guy: “The feelings I have for you don’t even come close to the times my ex of two years only ever confessed his love to me when he was drunk.”

Nick, holding back tears: “Now I’m gonna get choked up.”
…maybe it’s your turtleneck idk

As if this episode couldn’t get any more excruciatingly painful, Chris Harrison concludes the half-assed 60 seconds we’ll never get back with, “Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?!”

Too bad Raven’s ex didn’t live past the Hoxie stiletto homicide to tell his side of the story…

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