Is it just me or is it getting to the point where every time Nick Viall enters a room, he’s like the Ross Gellar of saying hello, giving you that feeling of kinda wanting to kill yourself.
Nick has lost all sight of his manhood at this point in the show, seeing that we’ve witnessed more depression confessions featuring his own tears than any other girl combined this entire season. At this point, the four remaining girls are fed up with Nick continuing to act like he may not even choose any of them at the end of this. QUIT PLAYING GAMES NICK, BITCHES GOT TEETH WHITENING SHIT TO PROMOTE.
Back in Bimini, the girls are talking amongst themselves before Nick enters the room with four roses in his hand, seeing that he dumps every girl before the rose ceremony even begins, so what’s the point at this rate. He then blabs a bunch of stuff about being grateful to have four amazing women who don’t care that they’re all hooking up with the same dude and gives them all a rose, SO YAY FOR HOMETOWNS AND FOR NOT HAVING TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND IN BUMFUCK BIMINI.
Raven’s Hometown Date: Hoxie, AR
Raven takes Nick on an ATV ride through the backroads of Arkansas’ finest mud fields. They end up at a water tower, where Raven reveals that only the biggest secrets are told here, which probably includes the murder of like 3 of her exes.
Raven: That’s why these water towers are so big, they’re full of secrets!!!!
Is it a requirement that your accent becomes thicker once you re-enter the gates of the Bible Belt? Bcuz where are the subtitles.
They get halfway up the water tower when a cop interrupts them, but this is The Bachelor and bail money is not in the budget so of course this is fake.
…Because what else would you be doing at a secluded water tower in AR?
Raven and Nick carry on with their date driving through what I can only assume is partial cow shit, which also apparently serves as the perfect opportunity to strip down and further roll around in.
Raven is also fooling nobody with her premeditated white T-shirt scheme that just so happens to end up soaked.
They get back Raven’s house when her family decides to reveal real heavy shit for a reality dating competition show:
Raven’s mom: Sooooo your daddy is cancer free!!!
Actual representation of Nick:
Nick was clearly given zero fucks about on this date, so producers make him blurt out a bunch of sappy BS to this guy he’s never met before, following a near-death health scare.
Nick: Dude, congrats on surviving and all. That’s so chill.
Raven then manages to perfectly dodge the whole ‘I love you’ thing by using every other synonym for the term: “There is no hesitation on my end about how strong my feelings are for you and what is to become of this possible relationship.”
Pretty sure she word-hacked that message loud and clear to Nick on like week 3 but who’s counting…
Nick’s final words to Raven: “I’m really glad.”
Rachel’s Hometown Date: Dallas, TX
In case you guys had no idea, Rachel is black.
I am so excited for Rachel’s season because we now get to witness her family scare off not the first, but the second white guy Rachel brings home. Rachel takes Nick to church in her hometown of Dallas, and not only does he stand out, because…. yeah, but he also gets called out by the pastor for being the only white guy in a 10-mile radius: “Nick have you ever been in this type of space before?”
Nick, while thinking about naked mud baths with Raven:
Nick walks into Rachel’s home, where he’s greeted by Rachel’s family, along with Rachel’s sister’s white husband AKA Joel Osteen on speed.
Rachel’s entire family, including Rachel’s brother-in-law treats Nick like he’s an unidentified life form who just landed on earth after living on Neptune for 36 years.
Brother-in-law: SO! I just can’t hep but notice that you’re white!
Rachel’s mom: Nick, do you know what each of these food items are?
Nick: I’m not from fucking Mars…
Family: So what do you like about Rachel?
Nick: She’s good looking, smart, challenging, knows what she wants, good looking…
Other white guy: HEHE — YOU SAID GOOD LOOKING TWICE.
I honestly think this dude was Nick’s deciding factor in dumping Rachel.
Corinne’s Hometown Date: Miami, FL
Corinne to Nick:
Every time a girl drags her boyfriend shopping, he should just automatically take the hint that his wardrobe is semi dogshit, because deep down, it’s never a question, but a demand. Corinne, like the rest of America, was sick of practically gagging at the outline of Nick’s balls in his thigh-shorts, so she dropped three-grand on him during a shopping spree.
Every salesperson knew Corinne’s name on a first-name basis because, production.
Nick is terrified at the idea of dating Corinne because that means he’s gonna have to sell a kidney on top of protein powder on Instagram to support her outrageously daddy-driven lifestyle.
The salesman, showing Nick the ugliest effing shirt I’ve ever seen: “It’s a classic piece.”
Corinne: IT’S A CLASSIC PIECE, NICK!
Corinne throws around ‘I love you’s’ as easy as she throws around 3K. Well played, Corn.
WHAT THE EFF IS NICK’S OBSESSION WITH ASKING WHAT THESE GIRLS CALL THEIR FATHERS… IS THERE SOME FUCKED UP DADDY FETISH WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT????
Corinne’s dad is probably my favorite Bachelor character of the whole season. Corinne and her dad manage to have an entire conversation in the third person about Corinne.
Dad: But is Corinne happy?
Corinne: I want someone who loves Corinne, and with Nick I see in him someone who can really care about Corinne.
The build-up to Raquel resulted in an anticlimactic exchange of her barely saying anything, to a forced conversation with Nick about Corinne, which was cut just before giving Nick her final wishes on tolerating Corinne:
I really can’t wait for Raquel to start up her own Instagram and sell house-cleaning products that have been passed down from generations, and also Greek Baklava recipes.
Dad: So what is he planning on doing for a living? Us Olympios’ don’t marry deadbeats…
Corinne: He used to sell software, and now he sells Instagram products, so it’s kinda like the same.
Corinne manages to once again convince her parents of anything, like that Nick is her person when her dad ultimately decides that Nick is the ‘missing lid to her pot’. I can’t wait for their first fight/breakup to be over an actual overpriced Mauviel Copper pot from Williams Sonoma, when self-proclaimed bargain shopper Nick goes, “I saw that for half price at Target.”
Vanessa’s Hometown Date: Montreal, QC, Canada
I love Vanessa just as much as the next narc, but Vanessa’s head is clearly up her own ass, as she thinks this whole time that there are no other girls Nick just met the families of and asked for all of their father’s blessings, you know, just in case he decides he wants to marry one of them in three weeks.
She takes Nick to meet her students, when they make a scrapbook filled with all of Vanessa’s half-nudes from her dates with Nick.
Vanessa to Nick: I also want you to really understand how it feels having divorced parents when having to go to two different homes for Christmas, so you’ll be doing this twice today.
Ugh so romantic.
Conversation literally couldn’t have gone better with Vanessa’s family:
Vanessa’s mom: So what really stood out to you when you first saw Vanessa?
Nick: When she got out of the limo, I was like DAMMMMMNN.
Mom: That’s not at all what I meant, you sick fuck.
Vanessa’s sister: Like I’ll literally hate you if you dump her.
Vanessa’s brother was like Amish Seth Green in Sex Drive, condescendingly asking Nick wtf he does for a living, already knowing where this convo was headed, just for his own comedic relief.
Really though, it’s kinda sad that nobody actually thinks Nick has the potential to financially support a family. But I guess without his Bachelor identity, he literally has nothing.
Vanessa’s dad’s house visit was equally just as nauseating when Nick asked for his blessing, going into this prob thinking, four for four suckassss, when shit hit the fan in record speed.
Dad: Did you ask the other girls’ dads the same quetsion?
Nick, with the attempt: In a way, I like casually ran it by them?
Since this is The Bachelor, four blessings are obviously given all within a week, and everything was magical until Vanessa’s dad broke the news to her that this is, in fact, a competitive dating show and that she’s not the only woman on Nick’s radar. JESUS NOT EVERYTHING’S ABOUT YOU VANESSA DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS SHOW WORKS.
Rachel still didn’t get kicked off this week, and they postpone the rose ceremony so naturally they call upon Nick’s ex and newest-Big-Apple-resident Andi to stir things up, and probably reiterate all the shit he’s done wrong and to quit being a bitch. She kinda bugs.