This week on The Bach, Nick’s period clearly synced up with the rest of the girls’, as he cried more times in two hours than I have while drunk at a bar like all last month. If this love thing doesn’t work out again for Nick, I really think soap operas are the way to go. Also ratings have gone to shit, so much that Rachel was announced the new Bachelorette before she even got kicked off so now we have to tune into the last four episodes bcuz WE HAVE TO FIND OUT HOW SHE GETS KICKED OFF….
All the girls are actually freaking out that he’s going to prematurely book it off the show, cutting his contractual obligation short four weeks before the final rose, buuuuut that’s not a thing.
Nick consults with licensed therapist Chris Harrison on the beach, who evidently has no sympathy for Nick after putting up with his brainless decisions for four years straight.
Chris Harrison: Are you ready to quit, Nick?
Nick: I mean yeah…
Chris: Well tough shit.
Nick makes it back to the girls’ house where tension is tighter than the hold his short-shorts have on his ballsac.
Nick: As you all know, this week’s been really tough for me, I’m not sure if I see my wife in any of you, but I should probably keep trying because I kinda have to, so here’s to the next attempt in Bimini…
The fuck is Bimini? Guaranteed this place has never gotten so many Google searches in its entire existence of being a thing. Also it’s apparently the perfect place to fall in love, which is impossible because it’s like 98% inhabited by locals.
Vanessa gets the one-on-one date with Nick.
Date card: Let’s go deeper.
**I’m really trying to refrain from making any sexual remarks about ‘going deeper’ bcuz I’ll be 26 this week and #maturity.
Corinne, group date whore, freaks out about never having a one-on-one date with Nick (really though, she hasn’t…?) and naturally brings down Vanessa by not being able to diss her at all.
Corinne: “There’s no depth with Vanessa, all she does is teach special-ed students, hang out with her family every week and make pasta.” Sick burn.
Vanessa and Nick’s date was going well until they sat down at dinner and she overconfidently word-vommitted her feelings onto him…
Vanessa: I could def see a future with you, and I know I’m falling in love with you.
Nick, bona fide charmer, goes full Juan Pablo on Vanessa:
Side note: You know when a guy freaks out after being caught in a lie, and he rambles on for like 10 minutes this BS you really don’t care about hearing just to cover his own ass and you let him keep talking just to humor yourself but you still don’t believe him? yahhhh…
Nick: I’m taking things really slow. If I’m lucky enough to say ‘I love you,’ I want to feel like I’m saying it for the first time. I’m just looking for the type of love I’ve never had before. I know there’s a greater love for me out there. Love, greatness, mush, blaaaasdljdflsdkjsag…
ABC apparently decided that a group date consisting of swimming with sharks with no cage in the open ocean was a fantastic idea, soo is this how we’re doing ‘eliminations’ now orrrr…
Corinne, coming in hot with actual valid questions: “But are they toothless?”
Raven: I’ll punch the shit out of that shark if it gets close to me.
-Really not shocking considering she previously beat her ex with a shoe.
Kristina strategically catches on to the whole damsel-in-distress thing, acting terrified of the sharks and Nick flocks to her as she gets back onto the boat, leaving Corinne and Raven to soon become spray-tanned shark bait.
Kristina: “That was as scary as dancing onstage with The Backstreet Boys!”
-For sure the same thing.
During cocktail hour Nick almost dumps Corinne and then cries to her because God knows why, but the real issue here is that Nick has cried on every date up to this point, and also he has a prettier cry face than Kim K.
Corinne, is all of us: “I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings.”
I honestly feel like I’d relate to Corinne on a really spiritual level.
Of course Nick gives the rose to Raven, who he barely talked to and who seems the most indifferent about this whole thing.
On yet another recycled date, Danielle and Nick ride bikes to a local spot where unsupervised children are playing basketball. Clearly these two have nothing in common except for their height.
Nick: Soooo, hometowns next week.
Danielle: Yep. You excited?
Nick: Actually I’m nervous.
Danielle: Yeah, I’m like excited-nervous.
Danielle: It’s pretty out.
Their dinner was equally just as painful to watch…
Nick: We’re just two Wisconsin kids, hangin’ out…
Also clearly digging real deep for compliments: “You’re super fun to have fun with.”
Oh, and another: “Your face is pretty great.”
Danielle: I fear falling in love and putting my whole heart into something, because the last time I was in love, he died.
Nick, with the sick ass timing: I want that burning desire with you, but heart can’t get there. Can I walk you out?
On top of the rejection, Danielle now has to go pack her shit in front of all the girls who are trying their hardest to mourn with her, but really are like:
Producers then generate a never-been-done-before action plan for Corinne and her platinum vagine to sneak over and seduce Nick in his hotel room.
Corinne’s art of seduction sounded similar to a gave of Operation. “Keep two hands on at all times. Never jiggle it. And lightly massage.”
WHAT BODY PART ARE YOU EVEN REFERRING TO… asking for a friend…
Nick manages to cock block his own bone sesh: “But plz don’t feel bad, Corinne.”
That was literally almost as painful as watching Corinne trying to walk in her Christian Louboutins.
Corinne, prob trying to salvage her dignity:
Nick’s date with Rachel was like 12 minutes long, because producers were probably like, “this bitch is getting her own season, also we’re running out of date ideas on this shithole of an island.”
Nick asks about Rachel’s past relationships in hopes of finding out if she’s ever dated a white guy… and it’s obviously awkward.
Nick: What’s something you think sets me aside from any other guy you’ve brought home?
Nick clearly used the date with Rachel to round up some liquid confidence, only to blindside Kristina back at the house, maintaining his dumpage streak to an average of 2 per hour. Is he in a hurry to be done or something?
Corinne is freaking out that she still may not get the hometown rose as if she doesn’t know how this show works. Drink some champs and sit down. I’m getting a headache from this.
I can’t wait to meet Nanny Raquel next week GAAAKDFKJKLKLSDF WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR.