Ok, so she didn’t ‘kill’ anyone necessarily, but Raven might as well be featured on an episode of Snapped after showing all of America a whole different psycho Gone Girl wife side of her when telling Nick what happened when she walked in on her ex banging another girl. Like she somehow managed to make “Before He Cheats” Carrie Underwood look like a saint.
Surprisingly enough, we did not see a new side of Corinne, although I think I agreed with like 56% of the things that came out of her mouth this week… or I could just be losing brain cells. Hard to say.
Moral of the story: Don’t you dare in the name of all you do in your life and beyond, EVER even think about cheating on Raven.
We left off with Vanessa questioning Nick’s intentions after being seen grinding on Corinne in the bouncy castle. Nick, not at all being able to defend himself, responds in typical douchebaggery with things like, “Yeah, I totes understand where you’re coming from.”
Translation: Get tf off my dick and let me live.
The rose ceremony continues when Corinne is all of us and falls asleep, not missing a single thing. Also I just found out that she was in a 2 Chainz music video 6 years ago, and might actually qualify for chronic hypersomnia…
Nick’s pre-ceremony speech: “I genuinely appreciate all of you who have willingly opened up to me so far in this journey.”
What Nick actually meant by ‘opening up’:
At this point, I really don’t know why anyone is surprised that he gave the rose to Corinne after watching past seasons of how this show works, and also after witnessing the royal hump sesh in the backyard.
Christen and some other girl go home, and Corinne does the honors of giving the world’s most prestigious speech about being so privileged to be here and all being deserving of love because they’ve all put in so much time and they should continue to just be themselves because one day they’ll all be dumped and will finally catch the attention of their high school boyfriends again. idk something like that.
Chris Harrison comes in to reveal to the girls that this is the start of their journey of a lifetime traveling the world with Nick.
“FIRST DESTINATION?! Nick’s hometown: MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN!”
Girls: As in like a layover right?
Nick meets up with his parents, who’ve already hit their Bachelor salary cap after getting a raise for four years straight.
Nick: I’m just so ready to find true love.
Parents: Yah, k you said that the last 8 times.
Nick’s mom looks like the type of mom who’d offer her kids and their friends some alcohol and probably Adderall with their juice. Not like a regular mom, like a cool mom.
Nick takes Danielle through a walk around his hometown, hitting all the memorable places that signified v big parts of his childhood. Entire conversation between the two:
Nick: And there’s the library where I got my first hand job under the table.
Nick: And this is the baseball field, where I first… you know… in those dugouts.
Nick: I’m really happy you’re here.
Danielle, at the sight of a bird flying by probably:
NICK WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE HERE. Pretty sure no potential bf/gf gives a fuck about knowing every place in your hometown you rounded the bases.
Also, way to perfectly place one of Nick’s ‘exes’ right in the window as he walks by. This is just further proving all of America’s points that he can’t keep a girl. It would’ve been less sad if he said he never even had a girlfriend.
Nick’s ex in the window, which doesn’t even qualify as an ex after having ‘dated for three or four months’, walks out to have the dumbest fake conversation with Danielle acting like she knows or gives a crap as to why Nick is still single. Anyone who’s all of America even knows the answer to that.
Obviously Nick gives Danielle the rose because she talked about her parents’ divorce and Nick felt like he had a moment with her cleavage.
Nick takes the girls on a group date to a farm to go shovel actual shit and milk cow utters – an activity that he probably never partook in growing up. Producers at least could’ve warned the girls not to wear their nicest designer boots, or all white for that matter…
More proof that Nick has never stepped foot on a farm besides his H&M V-neck and Yeezus-inspired knockoff boots AKA ‘farming’ attire: He can’t even milk a cow. WHAT KINDA WISCONSIN NATIVE ARE YOU.
Girl with the pair of balls: You can’t milk a cow bro? Aren’t you supposed to be good with the teet?
Girl with the pair of balls: **perfectly squeezes milk out of cow’s utter**
Corinne: Poop. Poop. Poop. I need sushi.
Corinne, who’s managed to figure out all of this show’s loopholes, realizes that all you gotta do to not shovel shit is sit it out as long as you put out. #Savage
Later in the night, Vanessa gifts Nick with a book full of her best Instagram selfies she claims her students voluntarily ‘made for him’. Ok.
Sarah to Corinne: “Do you really think you’re ready to marry a 36-year-old man?”
Signs you’re ready to marry a 36-year-old man:
Corinne: I don’t see how I was offending anyone by taking a nap. Like Abe Lincoln took naps, Michael Jordan took naps, Trump takes naps, so I should be allowed to.
Have we just been brainwashed for 4 weeks straight or does that somehow make sense…?
Kristina finally gets her time in the spotlight only to get shut down by Nick after trying to be significant with her sob story.
Nobody has anything to talk about but the fact that Corinne is not marriage material, but I guess that’s the only way to get more camera time other than actually being Corinne.
Nick takes dark-haired Emily Maynard AKA That’s So Raven to his little sister’s soccer game because there’s absolutely nothing else to do in Wisconsin except shovel poop. Nick is just about as good as soccer as he is with this whole finding love on reality shows thing and somehow seeing Nick block zero balls while playing goalie screams ‘great father and family man’ to Raven.
They go roller skating at a rink with the whole soccer team, which was going well until Raven unleashed a nuclear bomb on the world that she beat up her now-ex with his mistress’ stiletto after kicking the door down and walking in on them together. These farm girls don’t fuck around clearly.
Nick: So what did you see when you walked in?
Raven: I literally know the exact shape and dimension of her labias.
The rose ceremony is probably one of my faves to date. Taylor is mouthing off about Corinne, trying to use big therapy words, while Corinne is just mouthing like 17 pigs in a blanket.
Definitely me, while watching this fight unfold:
Taylor wisely uses her time that she could still be talking to Nick to talk to Corinne about how Corinne has low emotional intelligence AKA she’s an idiot in mental health counselor verbiage.
Taylor: You have no self awareness and you need to be aware about how you process things and divulge in the statements that are given by people when processing their words and actions and all the things.
-A statement that nobody actually knows how to process.
Corinne’s final words: Taylor is like the shit that I scooped in my shovel.
I don’t even care that they TBDed the rose ceremony again because Alexis’ camera time gave me life and I’ve never seen Nick more interested in someone’s conversation than he was in the last 30 seconds of the show.
Nick: What are your biggest fears?
Alexis: Oh that’s easy: Nicholas Cage. And aliens.
Nick: Who in the house do you think was sent from space, like could return to the mothership any day now?
Alexis: Oh that’s easy: Raven.