After last night’s most dramatic episode of The Bachelor ever, Nick has endured more conversation with Corinne’s rack in ten minutes than he’s had with like every girls in his entire 18 seasons. Also, I hope this doesn’t give anything away, but Nick had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
We wasted about 30 minutes listening to the girls bitch about how they can’t believe Nick once had drunk sex at a wedding, let alone how shocked they are that he admitted it on national television, but really, what season of Nick Viall hasn’t consisted of a sexual revelation with a contestant? Also, do recall that half these girls’ opening pick-up lines involved raw wieners, licking ‘sticky’ substances and/or humping references, so who da real thirsty hoes?
Corinne: “I don’t even care because I have the tit factor – I mean, the ‘IT’ factor – that guys really like.”
Corinne makes the ultimate whore move and goes full Varsity Blues, wearing nothing but a trench coat, heels and a whipped cream bikini. Nick, trying to act the slightest bit turned on, slurps the whipped cream off of her bare boob faster than any of the other women can bat their fake lashes.
Corinne, also the smartest savage on the show, ditches the entire rose ceremony after her memorable one-on-one time with Nick that ended in a shared dessert with a side of nipple, and passes the eff out.
Meanwhile during the rose ceremony, Sharknado is literally ALL of us when she proves that not all heroes wear capes:
During the group date, the girls get a chance of a lifetime to dance onstage with the The Backstreet Boys, who clearly need paychecks to cover their bar fight damages, hair loss supplements and unplanned pregnancies.
Girls: “Fuuun but like where’s JT?”
Corinne lets it be known multiple times that she absolutely cannot dance, and her special sparkle is dulled when she’s forced to stand in the back and cry about not feeling like her true self probably because she’s fully clothed and forced to memorize something other than the outline of Nick’s bulge.
Actual representation of Corinne onstage:
The girls are more turned on by Nick 2.0 Carter than by once-again-runner-up Nick Viall…
Nick V: “I better not see any hands on him!”
**Cue Nick sucking whipped cream off Corinne’s tit**
Danielle gets the ‘most compatible’ award for the day and gets her very own casual-grind sesh with Nick while being awkwardly serenaded, as the other girls watch in complete horror and also plot her death.
Vanessa gets the coolest one-on-one date with Nick where they float around in a zero gravity plane. Even Vanessa throwing up is more classy than anything I’ve ever done ever. Also, Nick kissing Vanessa post-vom makes me rethink dumping a guy who kissed me after I threw up one time. #College #TheOneThatGotAway
This whole date made me question why perfect Vanessa is wasting her time on a show like this until Nick asked why she’s here:
Vanessa: “After my grandpa passed, there were roses at his funeral, and I just knew that he wanted me to be here.”
Nick starts crying on their date because of all the FEELS, soooo like can we just call up Neil Lane now or…
Back at the house Corinne starts blabbing about ‘adult things’ like having babies, when she reveals that Nanny Raquel needs to start getting her shit together for when it’s Corinne’s time to procreate.
Corinne: “Raquel keeps my whole life together. She loves making my bed and cutting my snacks. She even bleaches AND wipes my ass!”
The next group date is like 94% of the girls’ worst nightmare when Nick takes all girls he literally doesn’t even know the names of on a sports outing.
Pro tip: If you wanna know a girl’s true colors in a matter of crunch time, put her on a sports group date bcuz nobody is more competitive than an egotistical female on a reality dating show playing sports.
Rachel trying to be sexy: “I would love to track and field Nick all day.”
But what does that even mean.
Dominique: “He’s not even paying any attention to me. I just did not expect today to turn out like this.”
America: Who dat?
The three remaining girls compete in a 100M sprint, and the person who grabs the plastic ring at the finish line gets the grand prize: Giving Nick an underwater handy in a randomly-placed jacuzzi.
The end of this race is why I watch reality television. Rachel with the massive lead, misses the ring so Astrid, whose boobs completely weighed her down, scoops up the ring until it gets crunched in half by Rachel who tries to get it back, BUT THEN ASTRID GRABS THE REMNANTS OF THE RING AND CLAIMS HER PRIZE. Nick’s time with Astrid was spent making out and not talking, probably to spare the awkward question of ‘Wait so which one are you?’
Dominique is still crying and confronts Nick to tell him that she didn’t get a fair chance, and that from now on, she’s always going to be straight up with him and tell him when he fucks up.
Nick: Well that’s an easy fix: bye.
Chris Harrison breaks the news to the girls that Nick wants to trade the usual thirst-induced cocktail party for a pool party bcuz less clothing.
The girls can’t wait to finally have some time to chat with Nick when Corinne steals him away and takes him to her bounce house in the front yard, blown up by Nanny Raquel. The girls watch them dry hump for 20 minutes and decide to gang up on Corinne by pulling the Nanny card, because obviously they can’t complain about her boobs.
Raven: “She has a Nanny. Yeah. And the other day, she asked me how to wash a spoon.”
Nick: Tell me more about this nanny…
Vanessa, who’s way too good for this show, grills Nick’s ass for publicly grinding Corinne and asks what his actual intentions are.
V: I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.
Nick: K so how’d they look?
As if the ‘To Be Continued’ non-rose ceremony BS isn’t the worst way to end an episode, slap-tastic Josephine makes all of America cringe with a home-made song, giving him all the more reason to dump her next week.