This week on The Bachelor, it was confirmed that not one person cares about the well-being of Nick and his happily ever after, and that we’re literally only here to watch Corinne whore herself out while Liz attempts to persuade America that she’s actually not a serial-stalker craving fame. Wait, but did you guys know that Liz and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?
Nick expresses his concerns that the girls will be worried about his history with past rejection, which is actually a legit worry to have, so thankfully he’s on a show where all anybody cares about is a winning title and Sugar Bear Hair sponsorships.
Not even three minutes into the first group date, all I want to think about is drowning Corinne in the pool. The girls show up to a photo shoot where Nick has to pose as their groom. At this point, there is literally no more humiliation Nick can endure than being a four-time-Bachelortise, so what harm could a first date wedding shoot be, amiright?
The girls are greeted by a photographer, who dropped straight out of an ’80s porno, when he gives them the most hideous wedding dresses. By the surprisingly accurate gown assignments, I could actually see each of these girls dressing up in their specified themes:
Vanessa: Old-fashioned ’80s virgin bride.
Dolphin hooker: Knocked-up small town bride with daddy’s hand-me-down gun.
Girl that thinks The Bachelor is her real-life fairytale: Princess bride.
Corinne: Topless whore bride.
The only actual words Nick says throughout this entire date are during Corinne’s skinny dip sesh, when he says, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever blushed this much,” which is really something you say on national television to cover up a hard-on.
The girls act like they’ve been crushing on Nick for months after only having a drunken 4-minute convo with him the night before and posing for photos sans-dialogue with him the next day. They each get to kiss him, saying god awful things, like “Oh goody, I just tasted the last girl you kissed,” with a hint of subtle bitch tone. Oh, and this shoot also brings out their immaculate intellect.
Corinne: “Being number one is better than being number two, or going number two.”
-Things super sophisticated women who run multi-million dollar companies say.
Corinne: “I really felt Nick’s spark in that pool.”
Yeah we bet you did.
I could make a solid coffee table read out of these Corinne-isms and it hasn’t even been two full episodes.
The group date cocktail party is even better reality television. The girls cry over being stolen when trying to talk to Nick, but maybe they shoulda planned something better to say with their valuable time, like idk sticking their tongues down his throat.
Raven: “I’m not calling you an ass hole, but I’m just really attracted to them. Like I really like you.”
Mental health therapist clearly uses her John Hopkins degree to its fullest potential:
“You do this like thing where you get a thought and like go with it, you know? It’s super cute.”
Nick: “I do. I do do that. Yeah.”
V intellectually stimulating.
Corinne gets the group rose because producers need ratings. She says her dad would be proud, even though she was naked on national television… business must be booming now.
Back at the house, Liz reveals that she wants to keep this whole “hush-hush one night stand with Nick 9 months ago at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” thing under wraps. So naturally she blabs it to the one person in the house who looks like her hair is full of secrets.
Nick gives the next one-on-one date to blonde southern Danielle, who may possibly die in her sleep before next week after being attacked by crazy-eyed Liz. The two go on a super original, super boring helicopter yacht date, but that’s probably because she actually seems normal.
She drops a bomb on Nick saying her fiancé ODed and she walked in on him while doing so, and somehow he managed to keep all signs of hardcore addiction away from her. He then gives her advice on how to get past her loss, which lasts the entire date.
The next group date was one I had the pleasure of witnessing in real life as an audience member, and served as one that Nick clearly used as research for ways to actually break up with all of them in the near future.
Before the girls got to reenact a breakup with Nick, they walked through the museum of broken relationships, to only find the engagement ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn. Ten bucks says they snatched it before leaving… extra snack money.
The girls seemed to be more turned on by breaking up with Nick than actually dating him, which solves a lot. Josephine takes things too seriously and slaps the shit out of Nick, but he prob woulda chosen that over the 30-min prewritten poem Liz wrote him about their blackout hookup.
Liz: “I was hurt, so I wasn’t fully ready to let you in.”
Nick: That’s not what I recall…
It was only a matter of time until Christen spilled the truth to either Nick or another girl about Liz, like the scum-sucking road whore she is. Just kidding.
Liz thinks she’s about to get solid one-on-one time with Nick to giggle about their super memorable night together but he clearly had enough of Liz since like 9 months ago, and cans her. Maybe she’ll better luck with Chad.
Can’t wait for the other girls to find out about Nick and Liz, because it wouldn’t be a Nick Viall season without Nick Viall having preconceived sex with at least one contestant, right?