So I’ve come back from a Bachelorette break, and this craphole of a season just goes to show that I literally did not miss one thing because what I’ve learned from the past two episodes is that Jojo (AKA producers) still has the dick doctor, the basement serial killer Canadian and bacne-Chad thinking they stand a chance, and that Jordan still thinks he’s hot shit for being a benchwarmer even though it’s clear he’s gonna get laid in the coming weeks. ABC, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FINDING THESE PEOPLE, CRAIGSLIST? MEGAN’S LAW?
Jojo’s presence (with the exception of her boobs) apparently hasn’t been given a crap about since the last three episodes seeing that Chad has officially run out of his daily roid dosage and become the ultimate shitstorm carrying the ratings and that he’s capable of deep throating an entire yam. See? All caught up now.
The ep starts off where it left off in Pennsylvania in a town that was so desperately publicized by ABC because it’s not even good enough to be a drive-through town. Chad gets the ‘Olivia’ by Jojo on the two-on-one and left in a deserted forest at night, where footage of him wandering through the forest will probs be saved for the next shitty J. Lo horror film.
At the house, Alex arrives back from the date, clearly more stoked about Chad leaving than that other thing called Jojo, and it’s like the scene in Wizard of Oz where they’re cheering on the munchkin that slayed the witch. The guys’ bromance heats up as they kiss each others’ asses and sing “Ding! Dong! The Chad is dead!” They even host a burial for Chad using his penis-enhancing powder, courtesy of Evan.
Chad to all the guys: When this show’s over, I’ll fuckin’ find you and hunt you down.
Chad to all of America: She thinks I’m too intense, or something.
Evan: AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.
Chad: You’re rich, don’t you own dick companies?
The rose ceremony only gets worse when all the guys turn into a pack of hormonal seventh grade girls and start picking on each other. Chase somehow pulls giant blow-up balls out of his ass and makes Jojo get in one while wearing a floor-length ball gown. The only thing that would’ve made this better would be them going full-force toward each other, and she goes flying across the patio.
One guy: Jojo, I wrote you a poem.
Jojo: K can we hurry this up?
While all the guys are bitching about each other and losing at life, Jordan and Jojo are having sex on the other side of the wall. Smooth.
We say goodbye to some guy I don’t know and Damn Daniel the Canadian, who thinks that if this competition were based off looks, he’d still be there. Clearly he’s never watched The Bachelor before.
Daniel: “My body had nothing to do with this.” – It actually had everything to do with this.
Next stop is Punta de aeiojfjse in Uruguay, which looks like a city you’d see wells as the main water source and a mad trafficking problem. But nothing is worse than hearing a bunch of white guys (and Grant) trying to pronounce “Uruguay” for 2 hours straight.
To nobody’s surprise, Jordan gets the one-on-one date and they spend the whole day giving the yacht driver a soft core porn show, but then Jojo grills his ass at dinner, and he responds by chugging his drink while shitting his pants.
Jojo: “I randomly ran into your ex that talked the most shit on you, and I heard you were a cheat-”
Jordan: “No I didn’t.”
Jojo: I’m just so glad everything with Jordan is cleared up now.
Meanwhile, the guys are back home getting haircuts, courtesy of Vinny the barber, who ironically has the worst haircut of the group. They coincidentally come across American gossip magazines in Uruguay that reveal that Jojo is still seeing her ex. WHO LET THESE PEOPLE NEAR A MAGAZINE?! THIS IS BULLSHIT, ABC.
Jojo is on Cloud 9 after clearing everything up with Jordan, when the producer’s are all, “Chad’s gone now, so let’s just fuck with her.”
Guys to each other: That’s some shady shit she’s pulling. I’m rethinking everything.
Guys to Jojo when she confronts them: I can’t believe he would do that. you’re totally here for the right reasons.
Jojo takes the group date to the desert where Lace was abandoned two seasons ago and they go sandboarding. Derek, who crept up out of nowhere, gets the group rose and Alex goes into major bitch mode for no reason. Derek calls them out for being a bunch of cliquey bitches and Alex’s Napolean Complex reaches an all-time high at like 5 feet.
Alex calls Derek a ‘little bitch’ and should probably be careful tossing around the term ‘little’ when talking to all of America.
Jojo takes Robbie on the next one-on-one date where they grab some tacos that are banned by the FDA, right before the food cart stranger asks them if they’re getting married.
Robbie: BRB, I’ma go jump off that cliff.
Robbie, who’s obviously done his Jojo research, knows that the way to her heart is to pull the “I love you” card EVEN AFTER THE FIRST TIME YOU HANG OUT WITH HER.
Robbie: Jojo, I know that I’ve fallen in love with you.
Jojo: I love you too, Jordan.
Later on, Chris Harrison arrives at the rose ceremony and is all, “The cocktail party has been cancelled on account of Jojo not wanting to be put through another shitty poetry reading or crappy guitar serenade.”
We said goodbye to Grant the fireman and Evan AKA Todd from Wedding Crashers when he was all, “THAT PAINTING WAS A GIFT JOJO.” The real MVPs yet again, were Jojo’s boobs, who showed more face than Vinny the barber, who somehow cried hysterically after also being eliminated tonight.
I already miss Chad, but I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise.