Last night on The Bachelor Ben confirmed what society already assumed (or maybe I’m just bitter), that the male species is dumb as crap and only thinks with their heads, and I’m not talking about the heads that are visible. This caused America to wish they all had as much access to weed as the girls did in Jamaica because shit got ugly and we all couldn’t seem to find our chill fast enough, seeing that Ben lent out “I love you’s” almost as many times as he lent out his peepee.
The week leading up to the fantasy suite dates was presumably a prep week as the girls took full advantage of a 3-for-1 Brazilian wax Groupon deal and set aside a few hours out of the days to strengthen up their kegels.
Ben, on the other hand, arrives in Jamaica ready as he’ll ever be, where we first see him doing his fake pondering life stint while rambling some BS about how he’s so lucky that he won’t be judged for having sex with three girls in three nights. He also looks like he was styled by a blind Gap employee, and somewhere in a faraway land, we hear the faint screams of Damian from Mean Girls yelling at his TV screen, “I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.”
The intros to all three of the girls could not have made the winner more obvious, and also made sure to remind America about Caila’s Stage 5 Clinger grasp on Ben and Jojo’s weird obsessive brothers, who are probs killing themselves over the thought of Ben and Jojo Ja-makin’ babies in the fantasy suite.
Ben reveals that Caila is his deepest relationship, and the last time America was this confused was when Ben Flajnik was elected Bachelor.
Caila obvs smoked a fat Jamaican blunt before her date because this is the first time we’ve ever seen her without a smile straight out of The Shining. The awkward silence caused Bachelor Nation to channel Jojo’s mom right from the start, AKA chug profusely. Caila and ben take a ride down a river on a boat made of sticks, and the eerie vibes mixed with a horror movie soundtrack made it perfectly clear this date would end in shit.
However, the date picks back up when they stop for some jerk chicken at a super sketch river hut that probs also deals the best weed, but I’m actually not even kidding because I did this exact river thing in Jamaica and it was the best meal I had.
At this point, things couldn’t possibly get worse, but somehow they did. Ben’s mind was clearly made up after he realized he was more turned on by the jerk chicken than by Caila, but since there’s an opp for sex at the end of this date, he stuck it out (pun intended).
Later that night, the weed wore off and Caila snapped out of it, revealing that she’s had doubts in every relationship she’s been in, except the one with Ben AKA where he’s openly dating two other women.
Caila: I love you.
Ben: Can’t we just go back to playing the quiet game?
After Ben attempts to reassure her with a pity kiss, Caila was all, “Ben didn’t even have to say anything back, I could just sense it in his breath.” Nah, that was probs whiskey.
Ben: “This is what I’ve been waiting for!” AKA the green light to get in her pants and so she’d stop talking. Ben then whips out his
penis date card, which says the same painstakingly repetitive words as the last 20 seasons: “You thirsty? Here’s the key.”
Caila: I absolutely think we should take advantage of
me this opportunity.
Neither of them seemed to give a flying fuck what the place looked like and headed straight for the bed. The next morning it was Caila’s turn to indulge in an all-you-can-eat-buffet, after Ben seemingly got enough the night before.
The goodbye was the worst thing ever after Caila word-vomitted another “I love you” and Ben’s awk smile will haunt us for life.
Lauren’s date was an actual snoozefest only because she might as well have arrived in a white dress and a veil, and we wouldn’t even be surprised. But instead, she arrived on the dock walking like she hasn’t taken a shit in a week.
Ben and Lauren take a boat to super-secret part of the island that reminded us of the place where Olivia was left to rot and I’m beginning to think that producers are realizing they can get mad discounts on dates if they put the couple to work (cc: Amanda’s ratchet McDonald’s labor date).
Lauren: “There’s just something about the water and sun.” Because those are rarities you can’t find anywhere else.
The two arrive on a deserted part of the island, where they’re greeted by a random British guy with a box of sea turtles.
Lauren: If you’re from Jamaica, why are you white?
Ben literally says that he and Lauren are “helping sea turtles survive and that’s a very important thing” because this is obvs a 3-person job. He also gets super deep and says that “his day is filled with cuteness” and he’s so google-eyed, it’s gross.
Immediately after they set the baby sea turtles free, (BCUZ IF THEY DIDN’T WHO WOULD?!), Ben and Lauren celebrate by running into the water to make out, probs stepping on like half the turtles in their path.
Ben then tells Lauren he’s too good for her and she’s all, “And?” The rest of the date is super scandalous when Lauren tells Ben she loves him and he breaks the rules and tells it to her back and their deep meaningful post-love convo consists purely of, “OMG we love each other. Hehe. Haha.”
Lauren: Should we-
They have adorably boring PG missionary sex while staring into each other’s eyes the rest of the night and spend the remainder of the night naming their future children after Ben’s great-grandma he still calls every day.
They wake up and Ben was the first to use the sappy pet name card, like a 1950’s sitcom couple.
Lauren: “I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.” YEAH, WE BET YOU DO.
Jojo’s date came as no shock considering the previews blatantly revealed that Ben would be telling two women he loved them and obviously Caila was SOL. Jojo didn’t even need the fantasy suite as she jumped on Ben at first sight and they dry humped for like 5 min. She stupidly brought up their nightmare of a hometown date, but all ben thought about was the fact that her brothers get to watch him bang her at the end of this date, so like he wins.
They take a helicopter ride around the island and have a really thoughtful conversation.
Jojo: Jamaica’s so nice.
Ben: It is.
They jump into a waterfall and I can only imagine the pain of Jojo’s tiny string bikini riding all the way up her ass. Her makeup is still somehow flawless as she tells Ben she loves him and Ben’s all, “Samesies.”
Jojo: THE FUCK?!
Apparently the thought of loving two women doesn’t scare Ben and he’s now pretty much almost as hated as Juan Pablo.
Jojo says yes to the fantasy suite and Ben’s like, “THREE FOR THREE, MUTHA FUCKAAAA.”
They spend the rest of the night consummating their secondhand love inside their private jacuzzi, and the only thing Jojo will be taking away from this date is a gnarly yeast infection.
Producers are just as royally fucked as Ben in this episode when they’re all, “Hey Caila, Ben has something he reaaalllly needs to tell you. It’s urgent!” What’s worse is that producers then make it seem like Caila’s about to walk in on Ben and Jojo mid-bang. SIKE.
Caila runs around the premises with a possessed child’s smile, and is all, “I FINNNNDD YOU.”
After she scares Ben not one bit, the breakup was equally as painful as this backstabbing setup was. Ben pretty much tells Caila she’s wifey material, but that he thinks two other women here are naked wifey material.
Caila called his ass out with a huge smile on her face saying this shit sounds like a line, probably because it was, as producers were feeding the entire thing to Ben on cue cards. Before Caila left she even jumped back out of the car to twist the knife even further and ask what exactly went wrong.
Ben: “I know I have to get down on one knee at the end of this, but you didn’t even get down on two.”
But it’s ok because Caila can go back home to add “pretty crying” and “smiling while crying” to her resume and become America’s favorite next week during Women Tell All when she makes Ben look like a dumb shit.
Only Lauren and Jojo show up at the rose ceremony, when Lauren tattles to Chris Harrison that Ben broke the rules and he gave a face like, “Yep and that dipshit’s paycheck is bout to be slashed!”
Lauren and Jojo are trying desperately to find something to say because God forbid they ask each other, “How was your night?” Ben calls Jojo’s name first, so that def means she performed the best, right?
Ben toasted to the three of them, pretty much hinting that he desperately wants a sister wives bond with the two of them at the end of this, which isn’t surprising considering they’re all like blood brothers after this weekend.
I’m so excited for After The Final Rose episode, when Ben gets engaged to Lauren, and she’ll get a free pass after every fight, saying, “WELL YOU SAID I LOVE YOU TO ANOTHER WOMAN.”
But mostly I’m excited for next week’s Women Tell All episode because I miss Olivia, Lace and Jubes more than life.