Tonight on The Bachelor, Ben visited the four remaining girls’ hometowns and quickly came to realize that compared to some of these families, Olivia isn’t so batshit crazy after all, but most importantly, Ben realized that his newest form of birth control will forever be abstinence.
The episode kicks off in the REAL hood, Orange County, where we see Ben sitting on Laguna Beach’s most well known tourist trap, AKA where natives never step foot and half my high school lost their virginity. Before Ben and Amanda’s C-grade phony beach trot toward each other, the camera pans to Ben, who obvi needed some alone time to sit on a rock and gaze out into California’s finest layer of summer smog.
When it all came down to it, this date was crucial because it would either make or break Amanda and Ben since he’s about to meet her children from her previous husband whom she, along with all of America, now has no problem publicly shitting all over. Amanda starts off by giving Ben a little insight into her daughters and their hobbies before the happy family of four hits the beach.
Amanda: “My kids are just like me; they love the chase. I mean, they love when guys chase them. I mean, they love playing tag.”
Her oldest daughter genuinely seemed to like Ben, probs cause producers bribed her with candy or a Furby or whatever. Meanwhile, Ben’s relationship with the youngest daughter goes to shit before it even begins. “Can I have a high five?”
Ben: “What abou-”
The car ride home was most likely the breaking point as America began to double up on their birth control doses with the help of shrieking cries either coming from Amanda’s daughter or from Ben… hard to say at this point.
We get to Amanda’s house where the daughters, who had previously conspired together to break Ben and Amanda up, had it with the camera time and were ready for bed. Ben followed Amanda upstairs to assist her in putting her kid to sleep, but really to just watch in horror, and we eventually see Ben stumble back down the hallway looking like he had just walked in on his parents boning.
Amanda’s dad was quick to notice his unmistakable deer-in-the-headlights facial expression and Mom also wasn’t having it: “This whole process is fucked up but like I’m sick of babysitting.”
Ben’s date with Amanda’s kids came to an end and Amanda confessed her love for Ben to the cameras, and also threw in that if she was dumped by him, she’d be devastated, which is technically producers’ way of saying, “Yo Bach nation, get the tissues ready.”
Meanwhile, the buldge in Ben’s short-shorts has completely dissipated and he leaves, also kicking himself for all those times in college he didn’t use a condom.
Lauren B.’s date couldn’t have gone any more perfect, because duh, and I’m beginning to think this is like some sort of obvious foreshadowing for what’s to come. Ben meets her in Portland, the land of the roses, even though there’s not a single rose in sight, but who cares, because there ARE food trucks in sight.
They spend the day feeding each other the fattiest foods that were probs rejected by the FDA and making out in a whiskey library, but now I know what Heaven looks like. Plus, a little liquid courage before meeting the parents never hurt NO ONE, amiright?!
Ben: Are you nervous?
Lauren: “There’s still a lot of unknown, like the whole ‘me knowing you’ thing.”
Lauren’s family, who hailed all the way from WhoVille, is talking mad shit on this whole process (who would do such a thing?) minutes before she arrives, but really though, where was this conversation before she even left?
Lauren’s sister does her best mean attempt at grilling Ben, but it comes out as adorable as a puppy attempting to run for the first time.
Sister: How do we know that this is the real thing?
Ben and his Oscar-winning sob immediately managed to avoid the entire awkward sitch and all was right in the world.
Lauren’s dad: How are you coping, you know, with sucking face with 25 girls all the time?
Ben: It’s really overwhelming, but Lauren knows how to ease the stress.
Lauren drunkenly admitted that Ben was her person, but not actually to Ben. But since we’ve all known that Lauren is the winner since like 5 years ago, the rest of the date had no drama, no shockers and no substance.
Caila’s date was like fingernails on a chalkboard, but I mean, it’s good reality TV I guess. We first see Caila who’s cracked out of her mind, running up to Ben as if she had just opened her dream sorority bid, which she probs did like yesterday.
Caila: This is the bench where I dumped my ex like 7 weeks ago for you.
She then show’s Ben around her town, and Ben’s not impressed because Warsaw and its booshie McDonald’s restaurant chain is just no comparison.
Ben: Hometown? I thought you were like a drifter or some shit.
Caila then takes Ben to a creepy toy factory where her dad works, because all potential boyfriends only dream of getting off in their girlfriend’s dad’s place of work.
Caila: All I know about you is your favorite color, so I thought we could color stuff blue.
Ben: You just get me.
Caila also admits on camera that she wants to bone Ben in her front yard, in her fake toy house, in her real house, JUST WHEREVER. Her family is not amused from the start, and obviously have never interacted with humans before because shit gets awkward from the get go.
Caila’s mom: “Ben, have you ever met Filipinos before?” As if they’re an endangered species.
She also admits that they eat with their hands.
Ben: But you do other things with your hands too, right?
Caila’s dad cracks off about the awesomeness that being Filipino is, even though he couldn’t be more white, and continues with the borderline offensive comments that we secretly all wish we could ask: “Tell me, what’s it like being famous for doing jack shit?”
Dad also asks Ben what it’s like dating his daughter as if he was genuinely interested in how in the actual fuck he puts up with her.
Ben: She’s like a Tickle-Me-Elmo with no “off switch” but after popping the first few pills, you don’t even notice it.
Caila asks her mom, who looked into her crystal ball if she thinks Ben is in love with her.
Caila’s mom: Are the cameras rolling? Then YES!
Caila, like the other two girls, didn’t end up dropping the “L” bomb, but pulled out the waterworks and somehow managed to convince her parents that this is it, and that Ben is it, and that it’s game over. Ok.
Then came Jojo’s hometown date, which couldn’t have gone any worse from the start, but it was awesome. She arrives at a random stranger’s house to a bouquet of red roses (didn’t see that one coming, ABC) and a note. Props to the writers of this show who strategically etched the note out as if it were written by Ben, because it was actually from Chad AKA Jojo’s ex boyfriend, who we’ve come to learn that he’s either a creepy-as-fuhhh-stalker-ex or that producers bribed him with a Mexican vacation to act like he gives a shit that his ex is comically attempting to find love on The Bachelor.
Jojo, who was shocked to her core, calls Chad while Ben is in the driveway, where he’s reading from a cheesy-ass soap opera script.
Chad: Since you were on this show, I now know what love is, because I haven’t seen you for so long.
After telling Chad to fuck off but also to call her when she returns home, Jojo greets Ben with mascara eye goop tears and suddenly Olivia’s breath doesn’t seem so bad.
Jojo: I wish you would’ve given me these flowers but whatever.
Ben sees zero competition with Chad, and this weirdly didn’t even phase him, so the two rush off to her home, where he’s blindsided by Jojo’s loud obnoxious family and even worse, her two weird incestual brothers who want to have sex with her more than Ben does.
One brother begins grilling the shit out of Ben, when really he has no room to talk because pretty sure he was on Eva Longoria’s short-lived dating reality show, “Ready For Love?” but whatever. Ben is literally crapping his pants, because all he can come up with is the “she’s just really great” crap he rehearsed which isn’t sitting well with the brother, who even called him out on his “coached” answers.
Brother: “I’d love to say you’re cool, but I just can’t.”
Ben: Who’s the one boning your sister? Yeah.
Things continue to spiral downward when the brother continues tag-teaming Ben with his silent hype man brother, saying he’s brainwashing their sister, when they’re in the other room forcing false accusations down Jojo’s throat: “We know he doesn’t even like you as much as you like him.” The ultimate brainwash.
Meanwhile mom can’t handle the Dallas shitstorm that’s going down in her kitchen, and with no time to search for a glass, begins deep-throating the bottle of champagne, quickly becoming America’s spirit animal. She’s also the only person on Ben’s side, but probs cause she pulled a Wedding Crashers Kitty-Cat move and seduced him when cameras weren’t rolling.
Ben brings all four girls back to the rose ceremony even though the whole “insta-dad” thing sounds about as awful as marrying into any of the other families, but reality TV is his only source of income at the moment, so really he has no other option.
All the girls aggressively admit they’d marry Ben, but have yet to pull the I love you card, and America is undoubtedly baffled (or not even phased). Ben’s toast speech went something like, “This week was by far the worst week yet, and thanks to your families, I’ve checked myself into a psychiatric ward on the weekends. Cheers.”
The episode ends when Ben dumps Amanda, and her kids are at home high-fiving each other. Amanda handles the situation so well to the point where Ben has nothing to say after meeting her kids then dumping her. Ben cries even more than Amanda and her daughters but it’s ok because next week he gets to think long and hard about it while fornicating three girls in 72 hours in the fantasy suites. YAAAAASSSSS.