Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor was a complete and utter shit show due to the fact hometown dates were right around the corner and the girls’ menstrual cycles have all synced together to produce one giant sobfest, which in turn gave America a raging headache. The girls were already on edge due to the fact that they somehow have to convince their families they found love after 2 dates, but to make matters worse, the group traveled all the way to Warsaw, Indiana, which was almost as bad as the culture shock that was Arlington, Iowa… and look how Prince Farming ended up.
Ben is weirdly obsessed with his hometown and spent a good portion of the episode driving around and boating down a river filled with cow crap, reminiscing on the simpler times when he didn’t have to deal with 20 chicks not ok with him dating 20 chicks.
Ben greeted the girls from his boat, when Caila attempted to stop it with her 90-pound frame. That’s really all that needs to be said about that. Ben drives the girls to their home for the weekend, which was nice and open space and all, but the girls couldn’t escape even if they wanted, because WARSAW.
Even more super logical decisions follow when instead of a date card for the first date, Ben gets to ask one girl out in front of all the others. BRB while the other five launch themselves off a cliff. Ben chooses Lauren, real shocker. She attempts to do some major damage control after Hurricane Leah came inches away from fucking up their beautiful reality relationship.
The two drove around Ben’s town and Lauren was thanking the gods above that Ben now lives in Denver. Meanwhile the ABC Network was celebrating with Cook’s champagne for saving a shit ton of money on dates and travel expenses this week. “Jokes on you bitches!”
Ben: This is the movie theater where I first copped a feel when I was 19.
They then stopped at Ben’s all-time FAVE place in Warsaw: The Youth Center, to visit Ben’s old coworkers who never made it out of Warsaw. And because what else do you do in Warsaw.
The fate of Ben and Lauren’s kiss is pretty much in the hands of a 10-year-old and his half-court shot, which he somehow managed to make on the first try. Good one, ABC.
Ben and Lauren got their kiss and boned on the gym floor in front of innocent Warsaw children, and the kids were all: “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.” THE FUQ, ABC?! Since ratings dramatically decreased after Olivia, Lace and Leah’s unfortunate exits, some pro basketball players came in, but thankfully they were still in production’s budget, because who are they?
Ben and Lauren ended their date mending all of Leah’s damage and Ben was all: “What was Leah smoking and where can I get some?” He apparently knows the real Lauren after two dates and she’s amazing. They celebrated their new bond at a local dive bar (remember, ABC’s budget) and moral of the story is that Ben and Lauren are adorbs and will have prettier babies than he and Olivia.
The next one-on-one went to Jojo and the two had to drive almost three hours out of Warsaw, to get to Wrigley field, because MIDDLE OF BUTTPLUG nowhere. Ben not-so-subtly gave the baseball date to Jojo and not Becca because “home runs” and virgins don’t mix. The two slipped their way into “Mr. and Mrs. Higgins” jerseys and Jojo was all, “PUMP THE FUGGIN BRAKES, BRO.”
Ben spent a large portion of the date dozing off while Jojo cried about having past trust issues, because nothing says “trust” like agreeing to come on a show where a guy dates 25 girls at once.
Ben: Why are you so scared that I’m dating 5 other women?
*For the record, I actually really like Jojo, but GIRL YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING YOURSELF INTO.
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are at home popping Pamprin and sulking in their tears, making each other more miserable by the second. Becca, trying to bring the group down was all, “Yo Lauren, I know you had a great day, but shouldn’t you feel as shitty as we do right now?”
The girls’ conversations throughout the rest of the episode went something like this: “I’m really nervous for this week. I’m so scared. I’m terrified for what’s going to happen. I’m just so nervous.”
The next date was the peak of the shit storm this week, after a group date turns into a one-on-one right in front of all the girls’ eyes. Caila, Amanda and Becca had to pretend like they’re having a blast flying a kite in the middle of a random field and rowing a boat down a swampy river. Becca made it clear this week that she gave zero fucks about Chris Soules after seeming perfectly fine when he chose to propose to Whitney, because she’s throwing an epic bitch fit over Ben right now, and I can’t decide what she needs more: A Xanax or to get laid.
After talking to each girl for 3 minutes each, Ben gives the rose to Amanda and was all, “Sorry girls, you’re on your own. If you pass the cow with the spots, you’ve gone too far.”
Caila is bawling because she thinks she’s not what Ben’s looking for, but dropped a major bomb on him last week that she’ll probs break his heart. K.
Ben and Amanda class it up on a McDonald’s date, and to make matters worse, Ben forces Amanda to actually slave away in a McDonald’s kitchen, and she’s all, “I’d rather be covered in my kids’ vom.” The date ended at a Warsaw carnival, where we learned that Ben is weirdly like the Pope of his town. Needless to say, Becca and Caila actually got the better end of the deal.
Ben then invites the twin on a one-on-one date to his parents’ home because he desperately needs someone else to validate that proposing to someone young enough to be his baby sister is WRONG.
Ben: Let me show you my bedroom, but first I need permission before I bring a girl upstairs… YO MOM.
Twin: This ain’t how we do it in Vegas.
Ben’s parents wanted to get to know Emily and she got about as deep as a California rain puddle. “I love movies. I could watch them all day. And I hate vegetables.” Not sure if the true parental win-over was twin revealing her big aspirations in life of wanting to be an NFL cheerleader, or telling them she’s always wanted to be a teen mom. UGH, now I think I need a Xanax.
The two hop back into the boat, which is just as painful to watch, as twin is naively on Cloud 9 and all Ben can think about is being tucked in by mom with warm milk and cookies after tonight.
Ben: Emily’s cool and all, but I’d rather keep her in my life as a Hakkasan club contact.
Tears were shed, equally as deep as CA rain, and Em got back to Vegas just in time for pool party season. However, I’ve gotta give her mad props for the maturity she showed AFTER it was too late.
The rose ceremony wasn’t as shocking as it was to America as it was to Becca. Ben let her go and after she called him out saying “WTF”, he made her feel so much better by admitting he pretty much decided it wasn’t her just seconds ago, while standing there looking at his selection that night. White lies are a thing for a reason, Ben.
But it’s ok because Becca’s currently rollin’ in the dough advertising clothing companies on Instagram, and we get to wait another week to watch Amanda’s kids drive Ben batshit. CAN’T. WAIT.