Tonight on The Bachelor, Ben and his band of betches (I’m only jealous because I COULD’VE BEEN ONE OF THEM) booked it all the way down to Me-hi-co, because after last week’s episode of traveling to Vegas, the producers were all, “We need somewhere where the girls could really concentrate on being here for the right reasons and not for the drunken vaca.” And because we all know that really solid, lifelong decisions generally occur in Mexico.
By now, half of the girls, like Jennifer and Leah, are realizing that they can stealthily get by without anyone knowing who they are while snagging a free vacation out of this (smart bitches). The other half, like Olivia, her mouth and her cankles (she said it, NOT ME), would rather be hated by all of America than cut her Mexican vacation short.
Meanwhile the other twin who didn’t have photos of her ex at prom still hanging in her room is still putting her sister down. “Now that my side-piece sister’s not here, there’s nothing holding me back.” I mean, ouch. At least other twin is probs making bank as a Vegas escort.
The very first solo date went out to Amanda, and the date card conveniently wrote, “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket.” Ironically enough, Amanda DID put her actual eggs into one man’s basket, and now she’s on The Bachelor. Choose your date card quotes more wisely, Chris Harrison.
Olivia, wearing a cross around her neck, is judging the shit out of Amanda, calling her a Teen Mom, and thinks she knows Ben, like SO well. “I just don’t think he wants kids. We’d probs have the cutest babies, though.”
Ben kicked off his date with Amanda at 4:20 a.m., when every girl is at their prime of either covered in zit cream or covered in Taco Bell wrappers.
Ben: “I have no clue how she’s gonna react, but that’s half the fun.” If someone woke me up with a bright shining camera in my face at 4 a.m., I would most def book a flight home. But hey, nothing says quality bonding time like seeing your potential Cinderella rocking a slobbery Invisalign, an old fraternity dodgeball 2013 tee and the scent of Olivia’s dragon breath… but of course Amanda awakens from her esthetician slumber looking like actual Cinderella. #SheDidNotWakeUpLikeThis
Ben and Amanda’s date is a little cliche but mostly envied around ‘Merica, however, a hot air balloon ride around Mexico City ensures that homegirl can’t escape unless she plummets to her death, so there’s that.
The hot air balloon/random-picnic-in-a-field convo goes exactly as follows: “This is so crazy. This is amazing. The view is amazing. This is seriously so crazy.”
Amanda gets all sappy and opens up about her divorce and two kids, but hey, as a fellow Orange County native, I genuinely do feel for her and her really awesomely rose-winning sob story.
Next comes the group date and you could literally see the steam coming out of Olivia’s head when she got called in the group, leaving Lauren H. to get the other solo date. “I’m happy for Lauren H. and all, but I’m still plotting her death while she goes on her one-on-one.”
Vegas twin kicks off the group date with some epic white girl Spanish: “COMO SAY DEESAY.” The infatuation that Ben has with school and high school and sitting in a classroom is weird and probs comes from watching too much school-girl porn, but to each their own.
Jubilee calls out Ben’s ass HARDCORE as he tells every girl including her in Spanish that he is falling in love with them. “You said that to the last four girls.” I mean, homegirl’s got a point.
After school, the girls go on a cooking date, where SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH, Olivia snags Ben as his partner, but TBH, a cooking lesson followed by a Spanish lesson just screams, “I need a bish who can slay in the kitchen while I sit on my pretty ass and watch reruns of this episode, but also talk dirty Spanish to me after dinner.” Way to NOT be subtle, Ben. GOALS.
Jubilee is sitting in the corner pouting her ass off after losing to Olivia to become Ben’s cooking bitch, but somehow manages to make a meal worthy of being put in the restaurant.
Olivia, goddess of cooking, fed Ben crickets and Ben now regrets every decision he ever made in life. Ben then suggests they go try some fresh mint plants, probs because Olivia’s breath now smells like insects, or dragons or whatever.
One of the girls: “Ben’s like really good with the bread and cheese.” K, so what you’re saying is that he has the cooking capabilities of an 8-year-old chef. On second thought, a grilled cheese sounds amaze.
Jojo: “Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it.” YEAH, I BET HE DID.
Jubilee questions whether Ben even notices her existence. Pretty sure everyone knows you exist, Jubes. Then Ben takes Jubes aside when she pretty much swipes his hand away as he tries to hold hers, so that the other girls don’t get jealous. Girl, you’ve been on this show long enough to know by now that it’s every betch for herself. Jubie then tells Ben she feels overshadowed, and that’s probably because she is, “by all the Lauren B.’s and all the Becca’s.”
Ben: “Are you saying 15 other girls dating me is difficult for you?”
Jubilee: “JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.”
Jubilee is sent home on the spot. The depression confession on the way home was the usual: “I feel so unloved.” Ten bucks says you don’t even know his middle name.
Producers: “Hey Ben, can you just sit down on the steps by yourself and mope like you give a crap?”
The rest of the party goes on and Jojo pulled an Olivia and swoops, but shockingly enough Ben still gave the rose to Olivia.
“I can’t believe Olivia just got a rose.” -All the other girls
“I def can.” -All of America
Ben then has another solo date with Lauren H. during Mexico City Fashion Week. Not much went down during this date except that Lauren walked her first fashion show looking like she had a giant shit in her pants (as would I) and Ben walked out looking like Zoolander had just stumbled out of a West Hollywood bar, but he’s never looked more attractive apparently.
The remainder of the date was literally like every other date, the girl pulls out the sob story and a rose magically appears, but props to Lauren for the perfect sob story: Fuckboy cheats on her with 3 girls, one being her friend, then she magically found strength on her birthday. Ok.
Then comes the cocktail party where Jojo openly admits that she’s only known Ben for a few weeks but she’s like in love with him, especially after he gave Olivia the rose over her.
Ben’s one-on-one time with Lauren B. went how it normally does where she once again steps over the line. “I can see a FULL LIFE WITH YOU. Like a LIFE LIFE. Which is terrifying.”
Ben probably agreed, tbh.
Then the drams FINALLY kicks in, which we’ve all been waiting for since last Monday. Olivia tells Amanda she feels like she’s in an episode of Teen Mom, and we suddenly get flashbacks of the mall watering hole scene in Mean Girls. The claws come out, and so do Olivia’s tears.
“I’m really gonna try harder to be nice,” but meanwhile in her confessional, she pretty much has sex with her rose and doesn’t give a flying FUH about the other girls.
Olivia then gives Ben a lame 25-cent vending machine ring to solidify all the fake-ness that’s occurring and he’s all, “What would Neil Lane do?”
Everyone is finally putting their big-girl-period-panties on and plotting against Olivia. The twin has Amanda’s back more than her own twin’s back, but in tears, has the balls to give her twin, who’s living it up at the Cosmo, a phone call to bitch about Liv.
Other twin: “Bish you fucked me over, deal with it.”
Chris Harrison then manages to piss off all of America with just three simple words:
TO BE CONTINUED…
Until next week.