Monthly Archives: March 2017

I Give It A Month – The Bachelor Finale & After The Final Rose Recap

It’s about damn time that Chris Harrison was finally even the slightest bit truthful when he mentioned that last night, on the 21st season, 15th year, and 3987734th episode featuring Nick Viall of The Bachelor, the most dramatic and shocking thing ever would happen, and that thing is that somebody in their right mind actually said yes to Nick Viall. *gasp*

Even Chris Harrison couldn’t pass up an opportunity to sock Nick where it hurts one last time, kicking off the entire finale with “WILL NICK FINALLY BE SUCCESSFUL ON HIS DESPERATE SEARCH FOR LOVE?” You know he damn well voluntarily wrote his own script too.

Anyway, in the start of the ep, we’re treated to one of the final sights of Nick frolicking through the streets of Finland, just as Raven did post-climax:

Raven and Nick pay a visit to his family once again following their unannounced soccer game run-in on week three, which also happens to be the first time Raven Freudian slipped the first “I love you”. Nick’s parents look like they want to fucking shoot themselves the entire time, but then again, nobody forced them to be here a third time.

More than ever before, we see that Nick is a spitting image of his father, as he was gifted with the impressive genetic ability to mumble a bunch of shit under his breath without anyone actually knowing what he just said, and also his incessant release of unnecessary sobs at any given moment.

Nick’s dad to Raven: This process has been excruciating and tbh fucking embarrassing for us all.

Dad clearly isn’t dicking around this time when he grills Raven on how she thinks Nick actually feels: “So what did Nick say when you told him you loved him?”
Raven: “Nothing, but I honestly prefer that he didn’t say it and still hasn’t.”
-Shit you will never hear come out of a woman’s mouth

The only person Raven seems to be vibing with at all that night with was Nick’s 12-year-old sister/Viall family empress, Bella.
Raven: If anyone can vouch for me tonight, it’s def Bella.
Ray’s first mistake was unabashedly leaving her fate in the hands of a prepubescent child who’s only problem in life is turning in her girl scout cookie money in time.

Vanessa’s date with the family unsurprisingly resulted in nothing but absolute misery and seemed to be a premonition of what’s to come in any sort of future Nick and Vanessa may have together: Refusing to sacrifice Sunday lunch, hesitation about marriage and tears.

Vanessa goes into unnecessary detail about the time she vommed all over Nick on their first date which miraculously turned into love at first yack AKA shit that’s only semi-believable in a college frat house.
Mom: Nick, this is where you chime in.
Nick: Yeah, I mean I had fun.
-hard-hitting romance.

V then spits off all the things she doesn’t like about Nick to the family, causing them all to spiral into a vortex of sudden uncontrollable sobs, so it’s evident at this point that Nick chooses her at the end of this due to his consistency in solid decision-making.

Nick’s hesitation with Vanessa reaches an all-time FUCKING DUH, so naturally the next best thing is to get a second opinion. Clearly ABC is running out of date ideas in Finland when they stumble into a forest to get fertility advice from Finnish St. Nick, who stalked them from the forest harder than I stalk my ex’s girlfriend.
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OH HELL NO.

I’ve never seen Vanessa so happy in the entire season of The Bachelor than the moment she unveiled her weird fucking obsession with Santa Claus.

Zero questions are answered resulting in a total waste of 20 minutes that we’ll never get back, and the only gift that was handed down by rapey Santa was a fertility wood carving of ‘Niko and Venla’ from the Undebeli Tribe.

“It’s nice to hear that Santa sees a future between us.”
-an actual thing said by a full grown adult.

Raven and Nick spend their final date ice skating and the only thing more shocking than nobody falling through the frozen pond was that unlike the entirety of Vanessa’s date, nobody fucking cried. Nick seems to genuinely enjoy himself with Raven, which means Vanessa is the obvious winner.

Raven: So do your parents like me?
Nick: It would have to take a lot for them not to like you.
-an unconvincing swerve for ‘they actually don’t give a fuck about you’

Then out of nowhere, Nick dodges any further interrogation from Raven by presenting her with three puppies as a means to ease the pain of the breakup that’s about to ensue.

If Raven were smart:

Neil Lane, who is now on a first and last name, PIN number and SSN basis with Nick, whips out his assortment of heinous chunky Super Bowl champ last season rings. Nick acting like he’s completely clueless about ring cuts by now, fools nobody.

The rose ceremony, to nobody’s surprise, is only proof that Nick lives for the drams and will probably end up on Bachelor in Paradise this season, seeing that a future with Vanessa is similar to voluntarily sprinkling gasoline on an open flame.

Raven handles her rejection like a fucking boss, giving Nick the silent treatment while thinking about the next Mumu swim suit sale in preparation for Paradise. He walks her out sans winter coat as fast as he can, prob to avoid the possibility of a Christian Louboutin-shaped gash in his head.

Little does Nick know, this will be the last time he has any sort of control in his relationship with Vanessa until it goes to shit after his elimination on week three of Dancing With the Stars.

Vanessa’s speech to Nick makes me want to stick my fingers down my throat when she says she never thought Nick would notice a girl like her, which is almost as infuriating as a girl half my size saying she really wants to lose three pounds.

Nick finally proposes in what is the most anticlimactic season finale yet, and now I have NOTHING TO LIVE FOR UNTIL TWO MORE MONTHS.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

The finale of The Bachelor was apparently so god awful that they were forced to bring Rachel out and start her season of The Bachelorette in the same night.

Raven makes her grand return after 4 weeks on the breakup diet, a tanning membership and (possible nose job?) only awaiting the day she gets penetrated by Chad in Paradise, when she relays her final words to Nick which were the icing on top of an epic burn: “I’m just glad you didn’t get rejected a 12th time!”

Nick and Vanessa did their best to persuade Bachelor nation into thinking they could even tolerate sitting next to each other for a full hour. Even Raven looked happier being dumped than Vanessa did being engaged.

The look of true infatuation:

V finally reveals that she is working toward moving into U.S. territory, because true love is supporting your soon-to-not-be husband in his next pathetic attempt at reality television.

Rachel then comes out looking HOT AS FUHHHH and Chris Harrison uses this to his full advantage.

Chris: Soooo you excited to meet your potential men?
Rachel: OMG I CAN’T WAI——
Chris: GOOD, CAUSE IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW…….

Little does Rachel know, she would be greeted with four of her potential suitors who’s pickup lines aren’t even good enough to be featured on Tinder, and also borderline offensive. Seriously producers, have you not ANY respect for the one woman who seems to want to take this crap seriously? On the other hand, let the shit show begin.

Demario: Front-runner of the four men, which still isn’t saying much. Also freaked the fuck out of the world when he presented Rachel with a ring that’s most definitely not Neil Lane, and tickets to elope in Vegas. So extra, but impromptu plane tix and a ring = money?

Blake: The next Chad who charms Rachel with the ‘you smell good’ line and tells her he ‘wasn’t planning on this’, which is just as believable as the time I tried to tell people ‘my friends made me audition for The Bachelor’. He ends his first impression with a painful side hug that sticks him in forever friend-zone territory.

Dean: Calling it now – this dude has a girl back home that he promised he would come back to and share his earnings with after the show. Said girlfriend also appears mid-season to warn Rachel of said douchebaggery, causing Dean’s extinction.
*Also Dean used the term ‘I’m ready to go Black and never go back’ which means that his group of all-white friends definitely paid him to say that.

Eric: Gives Rachel a geography lesson of their current whearabouts: “Me from Baltimore. You from Texas. We both here now. It’s a miracle season. What am I?” I don’t even know what the fuck that was supposed to mean, but saved face with an epic dance so I’m holding out hope for Eric.

If these four are any indication of what to expect next season, then we’re in for a treat.

Don’t miss me too much.

Raven Got Her Groove Back – The Bachelor Recap Episode 10

I know last week I bitched about producers gyping us with a bullshit one-hour episode, but after hour 2.5 last night, I was genuinely thinking about taking a sharpened pencil to my eyeball. But GUESS WHO GOT HER GROOVE BACK?! I honestly think I’m more satisfied hearing that Raven was finally satisfied than I will be to see who wins this whole thing.

Really the only question anyone even cared about knowing the answer to was whether or not Raven would achieve precious orgasm, and seeing that she’s never really been one to beat around the bush (no pun intended) when it comes to rattling off personal info we really could’ve gone without hearing, we knew she wouldn’t let us down.

Producers clearly didn’t waste any time in egging on the whole “Climaxgate” as Raven and Nick wake up in a tiny igloo-shaped cabin that fit a bed, and ONLY a bed.

Raven to her close secret confidants AKA the cameras: “Nick is prettttty good at what he does. Safe to say I’m pretty satisfied this morning.”

I feel like since she’s gotten so good at faking orgasms with her drunk ex for two years, she’s now completely incapable of differentiating fabricated and factual completion.

We then get to witness the most classy walk of shame as Raven parades around Finland making snow angels and kissing reindeer. Honestly, I would’ve believed that Raven had an actual orgasm if she left the hotel wearing last night’s gown, one less shoe and accidental volumized second-day curls:
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Rachel arrives to what she’ll soon find out is ironically the most miserable white-person activity ever: cross-country skiing.

Rachel, probably:

Nick then admits that he’s falling for Rachel, which 1. is against all rules of Bachelor verbalism and 2. is a serious dick move considering all of America knows he’s about to dump her. She spends the morning DGAFing hardcore in a penguin onesie after putting on just as fake of a satisfied face as she did as with Nick the night before.

Rachel watching Nick walk away thinking about dating 30 guys next month:

Vanessa prances up to Nick like ‘bishhh I got this in the bag.‘ Oh but if you thought shedding 12 pounds of sweat in four layers of clothing while cross-country skiing was horrendous, try dunking in an ice bath three times, you know, just to see who can reach life-threatening levels of frostbite first.

Just as Vanessa’s hometown date went to shit, so does this date as they spend the entire time fighting about how Vanessa won’t compromise spending Sundays in Canada eating lunch with her family.

Vanessa: Relationships are all about compromising.
Also Vanessa: I refuse to miss out on Italian lunches.

Vanessa again: Would you ever consider moving to Canada?
Nick: Uhhh, like don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m tryna make America great again n shit.

Shouldn’t this have been talked about on like date 3? Seems like a pretty big deal breaker. But apparently the only thing on Nick’s mind was having subpar missionary makeup sex with Vanessa.

The rose ceremony was absolutely useless because obviously Rachel was about to get canned. During the ceremony, Nick begins to cry, but in all seriousness, I’d be concerned if he didn’t. Without any explanation, he dumps Rachel, lets her go without any actual reason why he suddenly had a change of heart… WAY TO TOIL WITH OUR EMOTIONS AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THESE TWO HAD THE BEST CHEMISTRY, ABC. I honestly think he was paid to let her go so she could be the first black bachelorette.

Now he’s stuck with either trying to not get beat in the head with a stiletto by Raven or shoving ravioli down his throat every weekend with Vanessa’s whacked out family. Sucks to suck, Nick.