Monthly Archives: February 2017

Raven Can’t Get No Satisfaction – The Bachelor Episode 9 Recap

As if Andi Dorfman’s unnecessary drop-in, Raven the orgasm virgin, and that fucking turtleneck sweater weren’t a big enough combo of boner-killers, ABC has just knowingly gifted us with the ultimate case of blue balls after cutting this week’s episode short an entire hour. I feel like producers were completely checked out like 4 weeks ago because it’s like they constantly want us to feel Raven’s frustration of NEVER BEING SATISFIED.

Andi kicks off the ep by barging into Nick’s hotel room with the sole purpose of dishing out all the rest of the digs she had on him that didn’t make the cut in her first book, seeing that it was unsurprisingly NOT considered for a sequel.

She’s like the type of girl in the bathroom line you don’t know but automatically hate because she speaks like 12 decibels higher than everyone else just to hear herself talk about her ex-hookup not liking her Instagram pic.

Andi: Wait so these girls all actually stuck around?
America:

Andi: So you gonna bone these girls?
Nick: Idk can you get off my dick now.

Andi: Do you ever look back and wish that you wouldn’t have told everyone that we fucked on national television?
Nick:

Andi’s final words to Nick: “Good luck, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love!”
-The kind of condescending shit my roommate says to me before I leave for a Bumble date.

While Nick and Andi are enjoying their whiskey in a cozy heated hotel room, the four remaining girls are downstairs in the windy frigid temperatures of New York City waiting to find out their fate.

Nick to Corinne: ‘BYE, BYE, BYE.’
C5t1tS_XMAIsQIh.jpg-large

Corinne’s limo confession is for sure every tearful drunken conversation I’ve ever had with my Uber driver after Sunday Funday:

Corinne leaves The Bachelor just as we remembered her, assembling in full nap mode with a glass of champs. Until next season of Bachelor in Paradise!

The remaining three and Nick travel to Finland AKA the PERFECT place to fall in love, which would be much more believable coming out of Chris Harrison’s mouth had this not been Nick Viall’s fourth season.

Also Corinne would never in a million years be seen with Nick wearing that ugliest effing turtleneck sweater I’ve ever seen.

Producers got real creative with the season’s truth bomb confession considering there were no virgin contestants this time around, so they whipped out the next best thing: Raven’s inability to reach sexual completion.


-Right, so leave it to the dude who’s dressed like an uncircumcised penis to get the job done…

Raven tells Nick she’s only been ‘sexually active’ with one other guy, like the lie I tell to my gyno every year.

Raven builds up to the climax (no pun intended) of her sappy spiel by telling Nick she’s never felt this way about a guy: “The feelings I have for you don’t even come close to the times my ex of two years only ever confessed his love to me when he was drunk.”

Nick, holding back tears: “Now I’m gonna get choked up.”
…maybe it’s your turtleneck idk

As if this episode couldn’t get any more excruciatingly painful, Chris Harrison concludes the half-assed 60 seconds we’ll never get back with, “Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?!”

Too bad Raven’s ex didn’t live past the Hoxie stiletto homicide to tell his side of the story…

Hometowns Gone Haywire – The Bachelor Episode 8 Recap

Is it just me or is it getting to the point where every time Nick Viall enters a room, he’s like the Ross Gellar of saying hello, giving you that feeling of kinda wanting to kill yourself.

Nick has lost all sight of his manhood at this point in the show, seeing that we’ve witnessed more depression confessions featuring his own tears than any other girl combined this entire season. At this point, the four remaining girls are fed up with Nick continuing to act like he may not even choose any of them at the end of this. QUIT PLAYING GAMES NICK, BITCHES GOT TEETH WHITENING SHIT TO PROMOTE.

Back in Bimini, the girls are talking amongst themselves before Nick enters the room with four roses in his hand, seeing that he dumps every girl before the rose ceremony even begins, so what’s the point at this rate. He then blabs a bunch of stuff about being grateful to have four amazing women who don’t care that they’re all hooking up with the same dude and gives them all a rose, SO YAY FOR HOMETOWNS AND FOR NOT HAVING TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND IN BUMFUCK BIMINI.

Raven’s Hometown Date: Hoxie, AR

Raven takes Nick on an ATV ride through the backroads of Arkansas’ finest mud fields. They end up at a water tower, where Raven reveals that only the biggest secrets are told here, which probably includes the murder of like 3 of her exes.

Raven: That’s why these water towers are so big, they’re full of secrets!!!!

Is it a requirement that your accent becomes thicker once you re-enter the gates of the Bible Belt? Bcuz where are the subtitles.

They get halfway up the water tower when a cop interrupts them, but this is The Bachelor and bail money is not in the budget so of course this is fake.

Raven’s brother/Cop:

…Because what else would you be doing at a secluded water tower in AR?

Raven and Nick carry on with their date driving through what I can only assume is partial cow shit, which also apparently serves as the perfect opportunity to strip down and further roll around in.

Raven is also fooling nobody with her premeditated white T-shirt scheme that just so happens to end up soaked.

They get back Raven’s house when her family decides to reveal real heavy shit for a reality dating competition show:

Raven’s mom: Sooooo your daddy is cancer free!!!
Actual representation of Nick:

Nick was clearly given zero fucks about on this date, so producers make him blurt out a bunch of sappy BS to this guy he’s never met before, following a near-death health scare.

Nick: Dude, congrats on surviving and all. That’s so chill.

Raven then manages to perfectly dodge the whole ‘I love you’ thing by using every other synonym for the term: “There is no hesitation on my end about how strong my feelings are for you and what is to become of this possible relationship.”

Pretty sure she word-hacked that message loud and clear to Nick on like week 3 but who’s counting…

Nick’s final words to Raven: “I’m really glad.”

Rachel’s Hometown Date: Dallas, TX

In case you guys had no idea, Rachel is black.

I am so excited for Rachel’s season because we now get to witness her family scare off not the first, but the second white guy Rachel brings home. Rachel takes Nick to church in her hometown of Dallas, and not only does he stand out, because…. yeah, but he also gets called out by the pastor for being the only white guy in a 10-mile radius: “Nick have you ever been in this type of space before?”

Nick, while thinking about naked mud baths with Raven:

Nick walks into Rachel’s home, where he’s greeted by Rachel’s family, along with Rachel’s sister’s white husband AKA Joel Osteen on speed.

Rachel’s entire family, including Rachel’s brother-in-law treats Nick like he’s an unidentified life form who just landed on earth after living on Neptune for 36 years.

Brother-in-law: SO! I just can’t hep but notice that you’re white!

Rachel’s mom: Nick, do you know what each of these food items are?
Nick: I’m not from fucking Mars…

Family: So what do you like about Rachel?
Nick: She’s good looking, smart, challenging, knows what she wants, good looking…

Other white guy: HEHE — YOU SAID GOOD LOOKING TWICE.

I honestly think this dude was Nick’s deciding factor in dumping Rachel.

Corinne’s Hometown Date: Miami, FL

Corinne to Nick:

Every time a girl drags her boyfriend shopping, he should just automatically take the hint that his wardrobe is semi dogshit, because deep down, it’s never a question, but a demand. Corinne, like the rest of America, was sick of practically gagging at the outline of Nick’s balls in his thigh-shorts, so she dropped three-grand on him during a shopping spree.

Every salesperson knew Corinne’s name on a first-name basis because, production.

Nick is terrified at the idea of dating Corinne because that means he’s gonna have to sell a kidney on top of protein powder on Instagram to support her outrageously daddy-driven lifestyle.

The salesman, showing Nick the ugliest effing shirt I’ve ever seen: “It’s a classic piece.”
Corinne: IT’S A CLASSIC PIECE, NICK!

Corinne throws around ‘I love you’s’ as easy as she throws around 3K. Well played, Corn.

WHAT THE EFF IS NICK’S OBSESSION WITH ASKING WHAT THESE GIRLS CALL THEIR FATHERS… IS THERE SOME FUCKED UP DADDY FETISH WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT????

Corinne’s dad is probably my favorite Bachelor character of the whole season. Corinne and her dad manage to have an entire conversation in the third person about Corinne.
Dad: But is Corinne happy?
Corinne: I want someone who loves Corinne, and with Nick I see in him someone who can really care about Corinne.

The build-up to Raquel resulted in an anticlimactic exchange of her barely saying anything, to a forced conversation with Nick about Corinne, which was cut just before giving Nick her final wishes on tolerating Corinne:

I really can’t wait for Raquel to start up her own Instagram and sell house-cleaning products that have been passed down from generations, and also Greek Baklava recipes.

Dad: So what is he planning on doing for a living? Us Olympios’ don’t marry deadbeats…
Corinne: He used to sell software, and now he sells Instagram products, so it’s kinda like the same.

Corinne manages to once again convince her parents of anything, like that Nick is her person when her dad ultimately decides that Nick is the ‘missing lid to her pot’. I can’t wait for their first fight/breakup to be over an actual overpriced Mauviel Copper pot from Williams Sonoma, when self-proclaimed bargain shopper Nick goes, “I saw that for half price at Target.”

Vanessa’s Hometown Date: Montreal, QC, Canada

I love Vanessa just as much as the next narc, but Vanessa’s head is clearly up her own ass, as she thinks this whole time that there are no other girls Nick just met the families of and asked for all of their father’s blessings, you know, just in case he decides he wants to marry one of them in three weeks.

She takes Nick to meet her students, when they make a scrapbook filled with all of Vanessa’s half-nudes from her dates with Nick.

Vanessa to Nick: I also want you to really understand how it feels having divorced parents when having to go to two different homes for Christmas, so you’ll be doing this twice today.

Ugh so romantic.

Conversation literally couldn’t have gone better with Vanessa’s family:

Vanessa’s mom: So what really stood out to you when you first saw Vanessa?
Nick: When she got out of the limo, I was like DAMMMMMNN.
Mom: That’s not at all what I meant, you sick fuck.

Vanessa’s sister: Like I’ll literally hate you if you dump her.

Vanessa’s brother was like Amish Seth Green in Sex Drive, condescendingly asking Nick wtf he does for a living, already knowing where this convo was headed, just for his own comedic relief.

Really though, it’s kinda sad that nobody actually thinks Nick has the potential to financially support a family. But I guess without his Bachelor identity, he literally has nothing.

Vanessa’s dad’s house visit was equally just as nauseating when Nick asked for his blessing, going into this prob thinking, four for four suckassss, when shit hit the fan in record speed.

Dad: Did you ask the other girls’ dads the same quetsion?
Nick, with the attempt: In a way, I like casually ran it by them?
NICE.

Since this is The Bachelor, four blessings are obviously given all within a week, and everything was magical until Vanessa’s dad broke the news to her that this is, in fact, a competitive dating show and that she’s not the only woman on Nick’s radar. JESUS NOT EVERYTHING’S ABOUT YOU VANESSA DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS SHOW WORKS.

Rachel still didn’t get kicked off this week, and they postpone the rose ceremony so naturally they call upon Nick’s ex and newest-Big-Apple-resident Andi to stir things up, and probably reiterate all the shit he’s done wrong and to quit being a bitch. She kinda bugs.

Nick, The Sobmaster, Strikes Again – The Bachelor Episode 7 Recap

This week on The Bach, Nick’s period clearly synced up with the rest of the girls’, as he cried more times in two hours than I have while drunk at a bar like all last month. If this love thing doesn’t work out again for Nick, I really think soap operas are the way to go. Also ratings have gone to shit, so much that Rachel was announced the new Bachelorette before she even got kicked off so now we have to tune into the last four episodes bcuz WE HAVE TO FIND OUT HOW SHE GETS KICKED OFF….

All the girls are actually freaking out that he’s going to prematurely book it off the show, cutting his contractual obligation short four weeks before the final rose, buuuuut that’s not a thing.

Nick consults with licensed therapist Chris Harrison on the beach, who evidently has no sympathy for Nick after putting up with his brainless decisions for four years straight.

Chris Harrison: Are you ready to quit, Nick?
Nick: I mean yeah…
Chris: Well tough shit.

Nick makes it back to the girls’ house where tension is tighter than the hold his short-shorts have on his ballsac.

Nick: As you all know, this week’s been really tough for me, I’m not sure if I see my wife in any of you, but I should probably keep trying because I kinda have to, so here’s to the next attempt in Bimini…

The fuck is Bimini? Guaranteed this place has never gotten so many Google searches in its entire existence of being a thing. Also it’s apparently the perfect place to fall in love, which is impossible because it’s like 98% inhabited by locals.

Vanessa gets the one-on-one date with Nick.
Date card: Let’s go deeper.
**I’m really trying to refrain from making any sexual remarks about ‘going deeper’ bcuz I’ll be 26 this week and #maturity.

Corinne, group date whore, freaks out about never having a one-on-one date with Nick (really though, she hasn’t…?) and naturally brings down Vanessa by not being able to diss her at all.

Corinne: “There’s no depth with Vanessa, all she does is teach special-ed students, hang out with her family every week and make pasta.” Sick burn.

Vanessa and Nick’s date was going well until they sat down at dinner and she overconfidently word-vommitted her feelings onto him…

Vanessa: I could def see a future with you, and I know I’m falling in love with you.

Nick, bona fide charmer, goes full Juan Pablo on Vanessa:

Side note: You know when a guy freaks out after being caught in a lie, and he rambles on for like 10 minutes this BS you really don’t care about hearing just to cover his own ass and you let him keep talking just to humor yourself but you still don’t believe him? yahhhh…

Nick: I’m taking things really slow. If I’m lucky enough to say ‘I love you,’ I want to feel like I’m saying it for the first time. I’m just looking for the type of love I’ve never had before. I know there’s a greater love for me out there. Love, greatness, mush, blaaaasdljdflsdkjsag…

America:

ABC apparently decided that a group date consisting of swimming with sharks with no cage in the open ocean was a fantastic idea, soo is this how we’re doing ‘eliminations’ now orrrr…

Corinne, coming in hot with actual valid questions: “But are they toothless?”

Raven: I’ll punch the shit out of that shark if it gets close to me.
-Really not shocking considering she previously beat her ex with a shoe.

Kristina strategically catches on to the whole damsel-in-distress thing, acting terrified of the sharks and Nick flocks to her as she gets back onto the boat, leaving Corinne and Raven to soon become spray-tanned shark bait.

Kristina: “That was as scary as dancing onstage with The Backstreet Boys!”
-For sure the same thing.

During cocktail hour Nick almost dumps Corinne and then cries to her because God knows why, but the real issue here is that Nick has cried on every date up to this point, and also he has a prettier cry face than Kim K.

Corinne, is all of us: “I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings.”
I honestly feel like I’d relate to Corinne on a really spiritual level.

Of course Nick gives the rose to Raven, who he barely talked to and who seems the most indifferent about this whole thing.

On yet another recycled date, Danielle and Nick ride bikes to a local spot where unsupervised children are playing basketball. Clearly these two have nothing in common except for their height.

Nick: Soooo, hometowns next week.
Danielle: Yep. You excited?
Nick: Actually I’m nervous.
Danielle: Yeah, I’m like excited-nervous.
Danielle: It’s pretty out.

Their dinner was equally just as painful to watch…

Nick: We’re just two Wisconsin kids, hangin’ out…

Also clearly digging real deep for compliments: “You’re super fun to have fun with.”
Oh, and another: “Your face is pretty great.”

Danielle: I fear falling in love and putting my whole heart into something, because the last time I was in love, he died.
Nick, with the sick ass timing: I want that burning desire with you, but heart can’t get there. Can I walk you out?

On top of the rejection, Danielle now has to go pack her shit in front of all the girls who are trying their hardest to mourn with her, but really are like:

Producers then generate a never-been-done-before action plan for Corinne and her platinum vagine to sneak over and seduce Nick in his hotel room.

Corinne’s art of seduction sounded similar to a gave of Operation. “Keep two hands on at all times. Never jiggle it. And lightly massage.”

WHAT BODY PART ARE YOU EVEN REFERRING TO… asking for a friend…

Nick manages to cock block his own bone sesh: “But plz don’t feel bad, Corinne.”

That was literally almost as painful as watching Corinne trying to walk in her Christian Louboutins.

Corinne, prob trying to salvage her dignity:

Nick’s date with Rachel was like 12 minutes long, because producers were probably like, “this bitch is getting her own season, also we’re running out of date ideas on this shithole of an island.”

Nick asks about Rachel’s past relationships in hopes of finding out if she’s ever dated a white guy… and it’s obviously awkward.

Nick: What’s something you think sets me aside from any other guy you’ve brought home?
Smooth.

Nick clearly used the date with Rachel to round up some liquid confidence, only to blindside Kristina back at the house, maintaining his dumpage streak to an average of 2 per hour. Is he in a hurry to be done or something?

Corinne is freaking out that she still may not get the hometown rose as if she doesn’t know how this show works. Drink some champs and sit down. I’m getting a headache from this.

I can’t wait to meet Nanny Raquel next week GAAAKDFKJKLKLSDF WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR.

Is There Even Anyone Left? – The Bachelor Episode 6 Recap

On last night’s episode of The Bachelor, we learned that Nick is clearly as over this season as we were from day one after he showed no interest in any girl on literally every date he went on, so much so, that he took every opportunity to dump as many girls as the number of times he’s been dumped in Bachelor history, which in mathematical terms is like a shit ton.

Also RIP Shamu, you will be incredibly missed…

The ep kicked off when Taylor managed to escape Shutter Island and return back to New Orleans only to scour the city aimlessly until she conveniently walks into the exact location of Nick and Corinne’s dinner. Ok.
She interrupts them only to reiterate everything she’s already said to Nick about Corinne for the 38th time.

Taylor: REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES, Nick.
-Probably Taylor’s Twitter bio

Nick:

Meanwhile, Corinne: What I learned today was that cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.
-I have no idea wtf that means, but it was petty and epic and everything I love about Corinne nonetheless.

The girls revisit Boo’s haunted mansion from last episode, where the rose ceremony is held. They’re all pumped to try and get some potential final words in with Nick before the fate of their Instagram sponsorship deals set in, when Chris Harrison delivers the fateful news:

Chris Harrison: Tonight, Nick has chosen to forgo your individual bullshit sob stories this evening, so let’s not be here longer than we have to.

We say goodbye to Josie & the Pussycats, Jaimi with the big balls and Shark Girl.

Nick to the girls: We’re about to travel to a place with luscious sandy beaches, clear blue water, crisp fresh air, and all-around romance!
*way to read off the cue cards…………….

Next stop is St. Thomas AKA the island in the Virgin Islands with the lowest prices and the highest crime rate… #Romance
See Wikipedia:
Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 5.13.32 PM

Vanessa, on the other hand: Did you know that this is the 100th year that this island is in the U.S.’ possession?
Girls:

Kristina gets this week’s one-on-one date, and at first I thought this was a one-way ticket home because she’s probably said 4 words and they seem to lack a connection in just about every category, but then she whips out the secret ingredient.

Kristina’s story in a nutshell: She was adopted from Russia after living in an orphanage for years because her mom kicked her out of the house after she told her not to eat food, and she went behind her mom’s back and ate lipstick because she was starving.

It’s actually a really touching story and this girl seems very genuine, and Nick would literally have to be a child of the Anti-Christ if he did not give her the rose.

Kristina: “I was told that my life in Russia is black and white, but when I move to America my life will be in color.”
*Thinking like 99% of America would have to respectfully disagree right now.

Thankfully Nick DID give her the rose, and she’s safe… until most likely next week.

I really can’t even comprehend what the fuck happened on the next group date that went from casual day drinking to torrential downpour in a matter of minutes. The girls’ periods have clearly synced up faster than my own damn Wifi, because they apparently all just realized on Week 6 of The Bachelor that this is a COMPETITIVE REALITY DATING SHOW.

The only one who was completely in her element was Corinne when she met the island-version of Nanny Raquel.
Corinne: Raquel is going to be so jealous of Lorna!
Raquel:
taylor-swift-narrative-paper-main

*Side note and also my new mantra*: Don’t stop finding love until you find someone who looks at you the way Corinne looks at her nannies.

Actual representation of all 6 girls after five minutes into this date:

WTF WAS IN THOSE TEQUILA SHOTS, ABC? Also, Jasmine is exhibit A, B, C, and D: ALL OF THE ABOVE, as to why you should never combine tequila shots and sports with a competitive dating show.

Raven: If Jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip, because she’s turned all the way up.
-Currently cringing that that actual quote came out of someone’s mouth, but also I don’t disagree.

Jasmine: I’ve been to St. Thomas already, I don’t need to be here.
-Shit said by the underdogs.

Jasmine to Nick: It’s so unfair that I’m being overlooked. I KNOW YOU SEE ME. LOOK AT ME!

Jasmine: I want to throw your ass down and choke you… FUCK!

Nick: I appreciate you sharing, but after listening to your honesty, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. And also to stay 100 feet away from me at all times.

DEUCES, JAZZY B. SEE U IN PARADISE.

There were probably a total of 12 words spoken throughout the entirety of Whitney and “D-Lo’s” two-on-one date. Pretty sure half of America didn’t even know Whitney’s name until halfway through this date.

Nick to Whitney: You’re such a calming presence. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re pretty.
-Things people say when they actually don’t even know a person

Seeing that talking to a blank wall is more exhilarating than bearing any more awkward silence with Whitney, Nick dumps Whitney.

Whitney: You really think that Danielle is ready for a relationship?
Also girls at home: D-Lo isn’t even close to wanting an engagement right now.

Since when is everyone bagging on D-Lo? She has a house nickname!

Nick takes Danielle to dinner, and as if the horror music doesn’t give away her sudden death, this convo def does:

Danielle: Dancing is so fun.
Nick: Yaahh.
Danielle: It seems like forever ago that we first met.
Nick: So crazy.
Danielle: It’s so insane.
Nick: Seriously.

Nick: So what qualities do you look for in a relationship?
D-Lo: #LiveLaughLove

Nick: If there’s anyone I wanted to see at the end of this, it was you. Can I walk you out?
Way to dump more salt in the wound, Nick.

Nick walks into the girls’ hotel room, hysterically crying because he’s scared this won’t work out with any of the 6 remaining girls, who are already feeling like shit after a horrendous group date:
Girls:

None of the girls fall for his dramatic exit, until next week when Corinne and her platinum vagine strike again. #WrapItUp

I miss Alexis already…