Monthly Archives: January 2017

WWE Smackdown: Corinne v. Taylor – The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap

This week’s ep of The Bachelor took the girls to yet another romantic US destination to the home of outdated voodoo, 3-for-1 nipple pasties and heavy, heavy drinking AKA New Orleans. It’s also been further confirmed that Nick thinks with his D and only his D, and we even received a bonus therapy lecture about ‘maturity’ and ’emotional intelligence’ going hand in hand, further confirming that nobody on this show contains either.

The rose ceremony continues with Corinne and Taylor still yet to come to an agreement about the fancy term for ‘idiot’. The conversation literally goes full circle like 12 times:

Corinne: You’re rude and you have a stank face and you’re just not nice.
Taylor: You’re not stupid, you just lack emotional intelligence.
Corinne: You need to say hi to people in the morning.
Taylor: The foundation of love is built on more than just whipped cream and lies.

I’ve literally given drunken driving directions to my Uber driver that have made more sense than this shit.

Corinne’s confessionals are giving me all the life:
“WHAT’S THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR INTELLIGENCE BITCHHHH.”
“WHO’S THE DUMB ONE NOW BITCH”
“THIS BITCH IS DONE. #WINNING BITCH”

Producers: Say bitch one more t—.
Corinne: Bitch.

Naturally, Corinne does the mature thing and blabs to Nick about how batshit crazy Taylor is. Nick, living for the drama, pretends to give two shits and manages to shut her up by saying 5 words.
Nick: This just really shows me how mature you handle things.

America:

Astrid and Sarah go home this week because they’re borderline normal humans. I’m surprised more didn’t voluntarily leave due to the fact that they were able to see their own breath in the frigid Wisconsin winter. I smell a lawsuit, ABC.

The girls arrive in New Orleans and Rachel gets the one-on-one date. Her and Nick genuinely seem to have a lot of chemistry and also mad rhythm, when they crash a second line parade, and there is actually zero sarcasm in that statement. They also spend the day sucking down aphrodisiac oysters before magically stumbling into a bar where a ‘famous artist’ just happens to be performing, free of charge.
^^^ actual sarcasm in that statement.

Money is seemingly tight in production, so they stick a dinner setting in the middle of a creepy Mardi Gras float warehouse and conversation takes a dark turn when Nick talks about his 4-peat rejection and Rachel recalls her last memory of New Orleans during that one time she attended a funeral that changed her life.
Nick: “That’s crazy.”
-Shit people say when tuned out of a convo 10 min ago.

Nick: So your dad, do I really have to call him Sir? Can’t I call him whatever you call him? What do you call him?
Rachel: “Daaadddddy.”

The group date contestants get called, shockingly leaving out Corinne and Taylor to battle it out on the dreaded 2-on-1 date. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

Raven: “This is scary – I feel like they’ll fight to the death…”
-Quote from a girl who nearly murdered her boyfriend

The date is held at a haunted plantation home in the heart of Nola, when they’re greeted by the houses’s keeper named Boo, who’s hopped up on crystal meth and may have skipped a shower like four years in a row. Literally just picture a person you’d think works and actually lives on a terrifying old haunted plantation with a dead 8-year-old and that’s Boo.

He shows the group around, eventually leading them into my worst nightmare of a room filled with dolls and one specific doll locked in a glass case that belonged to Mae, who now haunts the plantation. You really can’t make this shit up.

Boo: Here lies doll. Don’t touch doll. If you touch doll, here lies you.

Jasmine, thinking this whole thing is bullshit, is all of us:

The girls pull out a Ouija board and begin playing with it while Boo and production are having a field day screwing with everyone. Nick, Raven and Whitney set off to find Mae when they realize the doll is SUDDENLY GONE, THE LIGHTS SHUT OFF AND THE CHANDELIER FELL FROM THE CEILING.

Jasmine: Chill the fuck out, Marge is dead.

Girls: THEN WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS.
Production: Lollllll.

Back at the house Corinne preps for Doomsday ’17 by chugging champagne, taking a bubble bath, and ordering like four carts worth of room service, and never have I witnessed a more perfect date on this show. Taylor becomes in tune with her inner emotional intelligence and sniffs a bottle of incense. No other explanation needed.

Back at the haunted mansion, the girls get some one-on-one time with Nick and things were going smooth until That’s So Raven dropped another gem on Nick: “I think I fell in love with you when I heard you sing ‘Little Mermaid.'”

Nick, perfectly dodging said statement: What, it’s a good song.
No. Just…………..

The-two-on-one date day is here and Corinne has a few potential final words for her fellow viewers: “Make America Corinne again!”
-Things emotional intelligent ppl say.

They take a boat through a swamp, ending up on a jungle island inhabited by dried up bones, Kathy Bates, and her AHS Roanoke tribe.

Corinne’s actual valid date questions, past & present:
What is the point of us shoveling poop?
Why are we on this island where something got eaten?
Why has Nick not put out yet?
Who in their actual right mind would ever take mental health advice from Taylor?

Taylor gets a Tarot card reading, and Corinne spends potentially what could be the last conversation to persuade Nick into keeping her, tattling on Taylor for being an ‘big mean swamp monster.’ – Her words, not mine.

Corinne: She emotionally attacked me!
Nick: How’d that make you feel?
Corinne: Emotionally attacked.

Recap of Taylor’s reading from Tarot card reader, who’s probably one of ABC’s production assistants tbh.
-There’s a woman here who is trying to tear you down in the house.
-She is hurtful and nasty.
-You are naturally intuitive, emotionally intuitive, emotive, emotionally intelligent, intelligently intuitive, intuitively selective, selectively aware, and like a water sign.

Corinne, using her reading wisely, gets straight to the point: How do you make a voodoo doll to look like a specific person – hypothetically speaking, a tan, dark-haired skinny bitch?

The best part of this whole episode comes when Corinne and Taylor are left alone to rip on each other’s self-proclaimed job titles.
Corinne: There’s no way you’re a mental health counselor – I can’t believe people actually take advice from you.
SAME.
Taylor: There’s no fucking way you run a multi-million dollar company.
SAME SAME.

Nick shockingly gives Corinne the rose bcuz ratings. I love when ABC just leaves people stranded in all different tundras: tropical island, abandoned desert, swamp jungle.

Corinne and Nick jet out to leave Taylor stranded in the jungle to soak in Patchouli oil with the witches, but it’s ok because she eventually returns home from the jungle with a souvenir fertility vase from the Ndebele Tribe.
Tribe: Does that mean anything to you?
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But for real, we’re all really just here to watch Alexis and Nick in action.
She faced her fear of Nicholas Cage, so who DA REAL winner this week?
*slow claps until next week*

Wait, Raven Killed Who?! – The Bachelor Episode 4 Recap

Ok, so she didn’t ‘kill’ anyone necessarily, but Raven might as well be featured on an episode of Snapped after showing all of America a whole different psycho Gone Girl wife side of her when telling Nick what happened when she walked in on her ex banging another girl. Like she somehow managed to make “Before He Cheats” Carrie Underwood look like a saint.
Surprisingly enough, we did not see a new side of Corinne, although I think I agreed with like 56% of the things that came out of her mouth this week… or I could just be losing brain cells. Hard to say.

Moral of the story: Don’t you dare in the name of all you do in your life and beyond, EVER even think about cheating on Raven.

We left off with Vanessa questioning Nick’s intentions after being seen grinding on Corinne in the bouncy castle. Nick, not at all being able to defend himself, responds in typical douchebaggery with things like, “Yeah, I totes understand where you’re coming from.”
Translation: Get tf off my dick and let me live.

The rose ceremony continues when Corinne is all of us and falls asleep, not missing a single thing. Also I just found out that she was in a 2 Chainz music video 6 years ago, and might actually qualify for chronic hypersomnia…

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Nick’s pre-ceremony speech: “I genuinely appreciate all of you who have willingly opened up to me so far in this journey.”

What Nick actually meant by ‘opening up’:

At this point, I really don’t know why anyone is surprised that he gave the rose to Corinne after watching past seasons of how this show works, and also after witnessing the royal hump sesh in the backyard.

Christen and some other girl go home, and Corinne does the honors of giving the world’s most prestigious speech about being so privileged to be here and all being deserving of love because they’ve all put in so much time and they should continue to just be themselves because one day they’ll all be dumped and will finally catch the attention of their high school boyfriends again. idk something like that.

Chris Harrison comes in to reveal to the girls that this is the start of their journey of a lifetime traveling the world with Nick.

“FIRST DESTINATION?! Nick’s hometown: MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN!”

Girls: As in like a layover right?

Nick meets up with his parents, who’ve already hit their Bachelor salary cap after getting a raise for four years straight.

Nick: I’m just so ready to find true love.
Parents: Yah, k you said that the last 8 times.

Nick’s mom looks like the type of mom who’d offer her kids and their friends some alcohol and probably Adderall with their juice. Not like a regular mom, like a cool mom.

Nick takes Danielle through a walk around his hometown, hitting all the memorable places that signified v big parts of his childhood. Entire conversation between the two:

Nick: And there’s the library where I got my first hand job under the table.
Danielle: Hahahaha

Nick: And this is the baseball field, where I first… you know… in those dugouts.
Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Nick: I’m really happy you’re here.
Danielle: BAHHAHAHAHSLJFLKSDJKJLSJDF

Danielle, at the sight of a bird flying by probably:

NICK WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE HERE. Pretty sure no potential bf/gf gives a fuck about knowing every place in your hometown you rounded the bases.

Also, way to perfectly place one of Nick’s ‘exes’ right in the window as he walks by. This is just further proving all of America’s points that he can’t keep a girl. It would’ve been less sad if he said he never even had a girlfriend.

Nick’s ex in the window, which doesn’t even qualify as an ex after having ‘dated for three or four months’, walks out to have the dumbest fake conversation with Danielle acting like she knows or gives a crap as to why Nick is still single. Anyone who’s all of America even knows the answer to that.

Obviously Nick gives Danielle the rose because she talked about her parents’ divorce and Nick felt like he had a moment with her cleavage.

Nick takes the girls on a group date to a farm to go shovel actual shit and milk cow utters – an activity that he probably never partook in growing up. Producers at least could’ve warned the girls not to wear their nicest designer boots, or all white for that matter…

More proof that Nick has never stepped foot on a farm besides his H&M V-neck and Yeezus-inspired knockoff boots AKA ‘farming’ attire: He can’t even milk a cow. WHAT KINDA WISCONSIN NATIVE ARE YOU.

Girl with the pair of balls: You can’t milk a cow bro? Aren’t you supposed to be good with the teet?
Girl with the pair of balls: **perfectly squeezes milk out of cow’s utter**

Corinne: Poop. Poop. Poop. I need sushi.
-BUT SAME.

Corinne, who’s managed to figure out all of this show’s loopholes, realizes that all you gotta do to not shovel shit is sit it out as long as you put out. #Savage

Later in the night, Vanessa gifts Nick with a book full of her best Instagram selfies she claims her students voluntarily ‘made for him’. Ok.

Sarah to Corinne: “Do you really think you’re ready to marry a 36-year-old man?”

Signs you’re ready to marry a 36-year-old man:

Corinne: I don’t see how I was offending anyone by taking a nap. Like Abe Lincoln took naps, Michael Jordan took naps, Trump takes naps, so I should be allowed to.
Have we just been brainwashed for 4 weeks straight or does that somehow make sense…?

Kristina finally gets her time in the spotlight only to get shut down by Nick after trying to be significant with her sob story.

Nobody has anything to talk about but the fact that Corinne is not marriage material, but I guess that’s the only way to get more camera time other than actually being Corinne.

Nick takes dark-haired Emily Maynard AKA That’s So Raven to his little sister’s soccer game because there’s absolutely nothing else to do in Wisconsin except shovel poop. Nick is just about as good as soccer as he is with this whole finding love on reality shows thing and somehow seeing Nick block zero balls while playing goalie screams ‘great father and family man’ to Raven.

They go roller skating at a rink with the whole soccer team, which was going well until Raven unleashed a nuclear bomb on the world that she beat up her now-ex with his mistress’ stiletto after kicking the door down and walking in on them together. These farm girls don’t fuck around clearly.

She is literal brunette Emily Maynard –
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Nick: So what did you see when you walked in?
Raven: I literally know the exact shape and dimension of her labias.

I hope she wins this whole thing for Nick’s sake and future will to live.
Raven, after cameras stopped rolling:
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The rose ceremony is probably one of my faves to date. Taylor is mouthing off about Corinne, trying to use big therapy words, while Corinne is just mouthing like 17 pigs in a blanket.

Definitely me, while watching this fight unfold:

Taylor wisely uses her time that she could still be talking to Nick to talk to Corinne about how Corinne has low emotional intelligence AKA she’s an idiot in mental health counselor verbiage.

Taylor: You have no self awareness and you need to be aware about how you process things and divulge in the statements that are given by people when processing their words and actions and all the things.
-A statement that nobody actually knows how to process.

Corinne’s final words: Taylor is like the shit that I scooped in my shovel.

I don’t even care that they TBDed the rose ceremony again because Alexis’ camera time gave me life and I’ve never seen Nick more interested in someone’s conversation than he was in the last 30 seconds of the show.

Nick: What are your biggest fears?
Alexis: Oh that’s easy: Nicholas Cage. And aliens.

Nick: Who in the house do you think was sent from space, like could return to the mothership any day now?
Alexis: Oh that’s easy: Raven.
Nick: PREACH.

Last Night’s Special: Whipped Cream Bikinis – The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

After last night’s most dramatic episode of The Bachelor ever, Nick has endured more conversation with Corinne’s rack in ten minutes than he’s had with like every girls in his entire 18 seasons. Also, I hope this doesn’t give anything away, but Nick had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

We wasted about 30 minutes listening to the girls bitch about how they can’t believe Nick once had drunk sex at a wedding, let alone how shocked they are that he admitted it on national television, but really, what season of Nick Viall hasn’t consisted of a sexual revelation with a contestant? Also, do recall that half these girls’ opening pick-up lines involved raw wieners, licking ‘sticky’ substances and/or humping references, so who da real thirsty hoes?

Corinne: “I don’t even care because I have the tit factor – I mean, the ‘IT’ factor – that guys really like.”

Corinne makes the ultimate whore move and goes full Varsity Blues, wearing nothing but a trench coat, heels and a whipped cream bikini. Nick, trying to act the slightest bit turned on, slurps the whipped cream off of her bare boob faster than any of the other women can bat their fake lashes.

Corinne, also the smartest savage on the show, ditches the entire rose ceremony after her memorable one-on-one time with Nick that ended in a shared dessert with a side of nipple, and passes the eff out.

Meanwhile during the rose ceremony, Sharknado is literally ALL of us when she proves that not all heroes wear capes:

During the group date, the girls get a chance of a lifetime to dance onstage with the The Backstreet Boys, who clearly need paychecks to cover their bar fight damages, hair loss supplements and unplanned pregnancies.

Girls: “Fuuun but like where’s JT?”

Corinne lets it be known multiple times that she absolutely cannot dance, and her special sparkle is dulled when she’s forced to stand in the back and cry about not feeling like her true self probably because she’s fully clothed and forced to memorize something other than the outline of Nick’s bulge.

Actual representation of Corinne onstage:

The girls are more turned on by Nick 2.0 Carter than by once-again-runner-up Nick Viall…
Nick V: “I better not see any hands on him!”
**Cue Nick sucking whipped cream off Corinne’s tit**

Danielle gets the ‘most compatible’ award for the day and gets her very own casual-grind sesh with Nick while being awkwardly serenaded, as the other girls watch in complete horror and also plot her death.

Vanessa gets the coolest one-on-one date with Nick where they float around in a zero gravity plane. Even Vanessa throwing up is more classy than anything I’ve ever done ever. Also, Nick kissing Vanessa post-vom makes me rethink dumping a guy who kissed me after I threw up one time. #College #TheOneThatGotAway

This whole date made me question why perfect Vanessa is wasting her time on a show like this until Nick asked why she’s here:
Vanessa: “After my grandpa passed, there were roses at his funeral, and I just knew that he wanted me to be here.”
Oh.

Nick starts crying on their date because of all the FEELS, soooo like can we just call up Neil Lane now or…

Back at the house Corinne starts blabbing about ‘adult things’ like having babies, when she reveals that Nanny Raquel needs to start getting her shit together for when it’s Corinne’s time to procreate.

Corinne: “Raquel keeps my whole life together. She loves making my bed and cutting my snacks. She even bleaches AND wipes my ass!”

Raquel, probably:

The next group date is like 94% of the girls’ worst nightmare when Nick takes all girls he literally doesn’t even know the names of on a sports outing.
Pro tip: If you wanna know a girl’s true colors in a matter of crunch time, put her on a sports group date bcuz nobody is more competitive than an egotistical female on a reality dating show playing sports.

Rachel trying to be sexy: “I would love to track and field Nick all day.”
But what does that even mean.

Dominique: “He’s not even paying any attention to me. I just did not expect today to turn out like this.”
America: Who dat?

The three remaining girls compete in a 100M sprint, and the person who grabs the plastic ring at the finish line gets the grand prize: Giving Nick an underwater handy in a randomly-placed jacuzzi.

The end of this race is why I watch reality television. Rachel with the massive lead, misses the ring so Astrid, whose boobs completely weighed her down, scoops up the ring until it gets crunched in half by Rachel who tries to get it back, BUT THEN ASTRID GRABS THE REMNANTS OF THE RING AND CLAIMS HER PRIZE. Nick’s time with Astrid was spent making out and not talking, probably to spare the awkward question of ‘Wait so which one are you?’

Dominique is still crying and confronts Nick to tell him that she didn’t get a fair chance, and that from now on, she’s always going to be straight up with him and tell him when he fucks up.

Nick: Well that’s an easy fix: bye.

Chris Harrison breaks the news to the girls that Nick wants to trade the usual thirst-induced cocktail party for a pool party bcuz less clothing.

The girls can’t wait to finally have some time to chat with Nick when Corinne steals him away and takes him to her bounce house in the front yard, blown up by Nanny Raquel. The girls watch them dry hump for 20 minutes and decide to gang up on Corinne by pulling the Nanny card, because obviously they can’t complain about her boobs.

Raven: “She has a Nanny. Yeah. And the other day, she asked me how to wash a spoon.”
Nick: Tell me more about this nanny…

Vanessa, who’s way too good for this show, grills Nick’s ass for publicly grinding Corinne and asks what his actual intentions are.

V: I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.
Nick: K so how’d they look?

TBD………………………………

As if the ‘To Be Continued’ non-rose ceremony BS isn’t the worst way to end an episode, slap-tastic Josephine makes all of America cringe with a home-made song, giving him all the more reason to dump her next week.

Nick Viall Is STILL Vile – The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap

This week on The Bachelor, it was confirmed that not one person cares about the well-being of Nick and his happily ever after, and that we’re literally only here to watch Corinne whore herself out while Liz attempts to persuade America that she’s actually not a serial-stalker craving fame. Wait, but did you guys know that Liz and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?

Nick expresses his concerns that the girls will be worried about his history with past rejection, which is actually a legit worry to have, so thankfully he’s on a show where all anybody cares about is a winning title and Sugar Bear Hair sponsorships.

Not even three minutes into the first group date, all I want to think about is drowning Corinne in the pool. The girls show up to a photo shoot where Nick has to pose as their groom. At this point, there is literally no more humiliation Nick can endure than being a four-time-Bachelortise, so what harm could a first date wedding shoot be, amiright?

The girls are greeted by a photographer, who dropped straight out of an ’80s porno, when he gives them the most hideous wedding dresses. By the surprisingly accurate gown assignments, I could actually see each of these girls dressing up in their specified themes:

Vanessa: Old-fashioned ’80s virgin bride.
Dolphin hooker: Knocked-up small town bride with daddy’s hand-me-down gun.
Girl that thinks The Bachelor is her real-life fairytale: Princess bride.
Corinne: Topless whore bride.

The only actual words Nick says throughout this entire date are during Corinne’s skinny dip sesh, when he says, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever blushed this much,” which is really something you say on national television to cover up a hard-on.

The girls act like they’ve been crushing on Nick for months after only having a drunken 4-minute convo with him the night before and posing for photos sans-dialogue with him the next day. They each get to kiss him, saying god awful things, like “Oh goody, I just tasted the last girl you kissed,” with a hint of subtle bitch tone. Oh, and this shoot also brings out their immaculate intellect.

Corinne: “Being number one is better than being number two, or going number two.”
-Things super sophisticated women who run multi-million dollar companies say.

Corinne: “I really felt Nick’s spark in that pool.”
Yeah we bet you did.

I could make a solid coffee table read out of these Corinne-isms and it hasn’t even been two full episodes.

The group date cocktail party is even better reality television. The girls cry over being stolen when trying to talk to Nick, but maybe they shoulda planned something better to say with their valuable time, like idk sticking their tongues down his throat.

Raven: “I’m not calling you an ass hole, but I’m just really attracted to them. Like I really like you.”

Mental health therapist clearly uses her John Hopkins degree to its fullest potential:
“You do this like thing where you get a thought and like go with it, you know? It’s super cute.”
Nick: “I do. I do do that. Yeah.”
V intellectually stimulating.

Corinne gets the group rose because producers need ratings. She says her dad would be proud, even though she was naked on national television… business must be booming now.

Back at the house, Liz reveals that she wants to keep this whole “hush-hush one night stand with Nick 9 months ago at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” thing under wraps. So naturally she blabs it to the one person in the house who looks like her hair is full of secrets.

Nick gives the next one-on-one date to blonde southern Danielle, who may possibly die in her sleep before next week after being attacked by crazy-eyed Liz. The two go on a super original, super boring helicopter yacht date, but that’s probably because she actually seems normal.

She drops a bomb on Nick saying her fiancé ODed and she walked in on him while doing so, and somehow he managed to keep all signs of hardcore addiction away from her. He then gives her advice on how to get past her loss, which lasts the entire date.

The next group date was one I had the pleasure of witnessing in real life as an audience member, and served as one that Nick clearly used as research for ways to actually break up with all of them in the near future.

Before the girls got to reenact a breakup with Nick, they walked through the museum of broken relationships, to only find the engagement ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn. Ten bucks says they snatched it before leaving… extra snack money.

The girls seemed to be more turned on by breaking up with Nick than actually dating him, which solves a lot. Josephine takes things too seriously and slaps the shit out of Nick, but he prob woulda chosen that over the 30-min prewritten poem Liz wrote him about their blackout hookup.

Liz: “I was hurt, so I wasn’t fully ready to let you in.”
Nick: That’s not what I recall…

It was only a matter of time until Christen spilled the truth to either Nick or another girl about Liz, like the scum-sucking road whore she is. Just kidding.

Liz thinks she’s about to get solid one-on-one time with Nick to giggle about their super memorable night together but he clearly had enough of Liz since like 9 months ago, and cans her. Maybe she’ll better luck with Chad.

Can’t wait for the other girls to find out about Nick and Liz, because it wouldn’t be a Nick Viall season without Nick Viall having preconceived sex with at least one contestant, right?

The Bachelor Season 21 Premiere: Fourth Time’s a Charm?

Nick Viall is back on the saddle for what America can only hope is his last attempt at finding love on national television after being canned like 12 other times… but for real, I was actually starting to miss spending every week with him for the past two years.

The night many have been waiting for for the sole purpose of having an excuse to drink wine on a Monday again has finally arrived. Honestly though, I don’t even feel that bad for Nick because if he doesn’t come out of this with a girl on his fourth attempt at conquering a reality television love, he’ll prob be able to submit himself into the Guinness Book of World Records… or just rehab.

Nick is screwed from the get-go when his so-called ‘pals’ from the previous seasons of The Bachelor literally shit all over him directly to his face. After pretty much admitting he has no hope, Chris Soules: Super Successful Bachelor Enthusiast, gifts Nick with a “Bachelor” survival kit courtesy of Target’s travel toiletries section. Ben Higgins tells Nick in preacher-tone that Nick isn’t as shady as he used to be, but still kinda a d-bag, because he’s clearly the center of all reason, considering the monstrosity of a show that is Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever Whatever.

Nick’s intro is filmed mostly shirtless in Chicago and in the shower, and I can’t decide if I’m more concerned that he’s incapable of saying the word “BASSHHHELOR” or that Jillian’s black censor box was bigger than his…

But the whole reason why we’re here is to watch 30 of America’s most eligible bachelorettes make us feel like we’re at least slightly normal while they attempt to make only themselves believe that Nick is the SOLE reason why they’re here… because every girl dreams of marrying a 3-time reality TV rejectee.

So here are the eight profiled women, not in order of Can-I-Just-Die-Now:

Rachel (Civil Defense Litigator and only one of age to rent a car): She gets the first impression rose so she’s safe for at least half the season. But the bummer about seemingly normal girls on The Bachelor is that they automatically get tossed into the ‘K so what the hell is wrong with you?’ category. In due time…

Vanessa (Special-ed teacher/actual angel): Is every man’s fantasy for multiple reasons: She speaks like 15 languages and also rocks the shit out of that Spiderman dress she wore.

Corinne (Owner of platinum vajine & actual in-house slave): Quickly claims her throne as this season’s Regina George when she Veruca Salt’s daddy into giving her his multi-million dollar company. She’s more oblivious than a cucumber and also apparently isn’t capable of cutting one herself. Just no.

Raven (By far the best dressed in Arkansas): May have needed subtitles to comprehend, but she lives by family, faith and football and making America great again.

Danielle L. (Probably another business owner): I literally remember nothing about her except that she brought her A-game, her D-cups and could SLAY in a Pantene commercial.

Danielle M. (Neonatal nurse from Nashville): Cute but far too normal and boring for Bachelor standards. Better luck with Prince Farming.

Alexis (Marine life challenged, grade-A nut job): My favorite act of the night by far, but mostly because of Katy Perry’s Left Shark with heels pairing. This also undoubtedly earns her at least a few more weeks, and the fact that she got blackout wasted and actually got in the pool AND got a rose makes her an all-around MVP.

Liz (ghost from Nick’s fuckboy past): In case it wasn’t clear, Liz had sex with Nick. Liz rejected Nick when he asked her for the pity phone number after said bone sesh. Liz thinks she has an easy ‘in’ because Nick might remember her. Nick whips out reverse fuckboy psychology on Liz saying she could’ve reached out if she were actually interested. Liz will still become Instagram famous after she’s canned next week.

“Nick doesn’t remember me, but I’m totally ok with it because MYSTERY.”
-A really sad untrue quote.

Animals seemed to be a popular choice last night when one girl rode in on a camel. The entire house seemed envious of the entrance, but it wasn’t until sweet Lacey opened her mouth, and everything went south. “I heard you like a good hump.” In her defense, it’s probably not entirely false.

A few other noteworthy mentions go out to Josephine, who presented Nick with a raw uncooked hot dog inside a book, and word-vomitted the line, “You’re a weiner in my book.” To make matters worse, she also made a straight man deep-throat dick-shaped food on national television.

Jamie used her septum nose ring as a prop to kick off her line, “I’ve got balls, just like you!” which immediately confused all of America because she may actually have a pair of testicles.

Another contestant was a mental health professional who put her heard-earned degree to good use by looking for love on the one show guaranteed to make every woman develop some type of mental illness over time.

Taylor relayed the message to Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit, and Lauren attempted to win his heart over by saying that his last name was atrocious, but that it’s totally ok because together their two last names, Viall and Hussy, formed a ‘disgusting slut.’

The rose ceremony couldn’t have been more uneventful and predictable. Corinne and her sexual aggression went in for the awkward makeout, sending her farther down the shit list. The entire rose ceremony consisted of Liz regretting giving Nick a mediocre handy 9 months ago, and Kristina, who nobody cares about, crying because she somehow became so invested in Nick within 2 hours and probably won’t get a rose.

But shocker, she did which means RIP next week, Kris.