This week’s ep of The Bachelor took the girls to yet another romantic US destination to the home of outdated voodoo, 3-for-1 nipple pasties and heavy, heavy drinking AKA New Orleans. It’s also been further confirmed that Nick thinks with his D and only his D, and we even received a bonus therapy lecture about ‘maturity’ and ’emotional intelligence’ going hand in hand, further confirming that nobody on this show contains either.
The rose ceremony continues with Corinne and Taylor still yet to come to an agreement about the fancy term for ‘idiot’. The conversation literally goes full circle like 12 times:
Corinne: You’re rude and you have a stank face and you’re just not nice.
Taylor: You’re not stupid, you just lack emotional intelligence.
Corinne: You need to say hi to people in the morning.
Taylor: The foundation of love is built on more than just whipped cream and lies.
I’ve literally given drunken driving directions to my Uber driver that have made more sense than this shit.
Corinne’s confessionals are giving me all the life:
“WHAT’S THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR INTELLIGENCE BITCHHHH.”
“WHO’S THE DUMB ONE NOW BITCH”
“THIS BITCH IS DONE. #WINNING BITCH”
Producers: Say bitch one more t—.
Naturally, Corinne does the mature thing and blabs to Nick about how batshit crazy Taylor is. Nick, living for the drama, pretends to give two shits and manages to shut her up by saying 5 words.
Nick: This just really shows me how mature you handle things.
Astrid and Sarah go home this week because they’re borderline normal humans. I’m surprised more didn’t voluntarily leave due to the fact that they were able to see their own breath in the frigid Wisconsin winter. I smell a lawsuit, ABC.
The girls arrive in New Orleans and Rachel gets the one-on-one date. Her and Nick genuinely seem to have a lot of chemistry and also mad rhythm, when they crash a second line parade, and there is actually zero sarcasm in that statement. They also spend the day sucking down aphrodisiac oysters before magically stumbling into a bar where a ‘famous artist’ just happens to be performing, free of charge.
^^^ actual sarcasm in that statement.
Money is seemingly tight in production, so they stick a dinner setting in the middle of a creepy Mardi Gras float warehouse and conversation takes a dark turn when Nick talks about his 4-peat rejection and Rachel recalls her last memory of New Orleans during that one time she attended a funeral that changed her life.
Nick: “That’s crazy.”
-Shit people say when tuned out of a convo 10 min ago.
Nick: So your dad, do I really have to call him Sir? Can’t I call him whatever you call him? What do you call him?
The group date contestants get called, shockingly leaving out Corinne and Taylor to battle it out on the dreaded 2-on-1 date. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
Raven: “This is scary – I feel like they’ll fight to the death…”
-Quote from a girl who nearly murdered her boyfriend
The date is held at a haunted plantation home in the heart of Nola, when they’re greeted by the houses’s keeper named Boo, who’s hopped up on crystal meth and may have skipped a shower like four years in a row. Literally just picture a person you’d think works and actually lives on a terrifying old haunted plantation with a dead 8-year-old and that’s Boo.
He shows the group around, eventually leading them into my worst nightmare of a room filled with dolls and one specific doll locked in a glass case that belonged to Mae, who now haunts the plantation. You really can’t make this shit up.
Boo: Here lies doll. Don’t touch doll. If you touch doll, here lies you.
Jasmine, thinking this whole thing is bullshit, is all of us:
The girls pull out a Ouija board and begin playing with it while Boo and production are having a field day screwing with everyone. Nick, Raven and Whitney set off to find Mae when they realize the doll is SUDDENLY GONE, THE LIGHTS SHUT OFF AND THE CHANDELIER FELL FROM THE CEILING.
Jasmine: Chill the fuck out, Marge is dead.
Girls: THEN WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS.
Back at the house Corinne preps for Doomsday ’17 by chugging champagne, taking a bubble bath, and ordering like four carts worth of room service, and never have I witnessed a more perfect date on this show. Taylor becomes in tune with her inner emotional intelligence and sniffs a bottle of incense. No other explanation needed.
Back at the haunted mansion, the girls get some one-on-one time with Nick and things were going smooth until That’s So Raven dropped another gem on Nick: “I think I fell in love with you when I heard you sing ‘Little Mermaid.'”
Nick, perfectly dodging said statement: What, it’s a good song.
The-two-on-one date day is here and Corinne has a few potential final words for her fellow viewers: “Make America Corinne again!”
-Things emotional intelligent ppl say.
They take a boat through a swamp, ending up on a jungle island inhabited by dried up bones, Kathy Bates, and her AHS Roanoke tribe.
Corinne’s actual valid date questions, past & present:
What is the point of us shoveling poop?
Why are we on this island where something got eaten?
Why has Nick not put out yet?
Who in their actual right mind would ever take mental health advice from Taylor?
Taylor gets a Tarot card reading, and Corinne spends potentially what could be the last conversation to persuade Nick into keeping her, tattling on Taylor for being an ‘big mean swamp monster.’ – Her words, not mine.
Corinne: She emotionally attacked me!
Nick: How’d that make you feel?
Corinne: Emotionally attacked.
Recap of Taylor’s reading from Tarot card reader, who’s probably one of ABC’s production assistants tbh.
-There’s a woman here who is trying to tear you down in the house.
-She is hurtful and nasty.
-You are naturally intuitive, emotionally intuitive, emotive, emotionally intelligent, intelligently intuitive, intuitively selective, selectively aware, and like a water sign.
Corinne, using her reading wisely, gets straight to the point: How do you make a voodoo doll to look like a specific person – hypothetically speaking, a tan, dark-haired skinny bitch?
The best part of this whole episode comes when Corinne and Taylor are left alone to rip on each other’s self-proclaimed job titles.
Corinne: There’s no way you’re a mental health counselor – I can’t believe people actually take advice from you.
Taylor: There’s no fucking way you run a multi-million dollar company.
Nick shockingly gives Corinne the rose bcuz ratings. I love when ABC just leaves people stranded in all different tundras: tropical island, abandoned desert, swamp jungle.
Corinne and Nick jet out to leave Taylor stranded in the jungle to soak in Patchouli oil with the witches, but it’s ok because she eventually returns home from the jungle with a souvenir fertility vase from the Ndebele Tribe.
Tribe: Does that mean anything to you?
But for real, we’re all really just here to watch Alexis and Nick in action.
She faced her fear of Nicholas Cage, so who DA REAL winner this week?
*slow claps until next week*