Monthly Archives: July 2016

The Bachelorette REALLY, LIKE REALLY Wants To Meet Aaron Rodgers – Episode 7 Recap

Does anyone else think hometown dates are the absolute most boring week of the entire Bachelor franchise since Jojo’s mom set the bar real high with her wine bottle guzzling stint? Because this week, Jojo met all 4 of her guys’ families that looked exactly alike and said the exact same things each time.

I really don’t even need to recap all four dates, because I could sum up each one of the guys’ hometown visits in like four lines:
Jojo: I’m so excited, but so nervous.
GUY: Don’t worry, they’ll probably love you, you know, like I do.
*Jojo gets obliterated with all four moms*
Jojo to all moms: I have these red flags about your son, but what do you think?
Moms: When my son says he loves someone, it’s not just for the fame.
Jojo: I feel so much better now!

But I’m not going to stop there, because I’m really passionate about this show, and I whole-heartedly believe in true reality love ending up in sponsored Instagram post careers. #GOALS.

First up was Chase’s date, which should not have gone first, because it literally brought all of Americas’ moods to shit. There was obviously a whole mess of unfinished family crap dad and Chase didn’t have time to resolve prior to the show, but producers were all, ‘YASSS RATINGS.’

Chase brings Jojo to his own house which was most likely a vacant model home used in Colorado’s finest real estate market, and clearly unfinished because where are the stair railings…?

Chase’s dad comes over and in the most awkward encounter ever, the two blatantly disregard the fact that this is THE BACHELORETTE and NOT DR. PHIL, when Chase questions dad why his parents’ marriage failed when he was 8 years old, because where else than on reality television will you ever get good solid answers?

Chase’s dad said more words in his 3 minutes of camera time than Chase has the past 6 weeks, but that’s ok because his mom had a lot of solid things to say about Jojo:
Mom: “Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.” – things that are important when looking for ‘The One.’

Chase breaks down crying in front of his mom, when she’s all, “Sack up. Crying is not our style.” Clearly we don’t need Dr. Phil to find the root of Chase’ inability to open up now…

Next is Jordan’s hometown date in either Chico or Chino, I can’t remember, but they’re both places nobody from California ever wants to live.

Jordan takes Jojo to his high school, because it’s evident those were his ‘glory days’. His coaches still miraculously know who he is, but only because ABC paid them to stick his photos on their wall, to cover up the protege that is his NFL brother.

Jordan: You’re like the first girl I’ve brought home.
All of America:

Kristen Bell BULLSHIT gif Imgur

Jojo: K so your brother Aaron won’t be here right?
JOJO LET IT GO. YOU DON’T GET TO MEET AARON AND YOU DON’T GET TO BE OLIVIA MUNN’S BEST FRIEND.

Jojo tries to pry the fabricated Aaron drama out of Jordan’s non-famous brother Luke, and it obviously goes nowhere. The whole family has some weird thing against Aaron Rogers, so WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

Jordan’s mom is getting all Grandmother Willow and super down for this whole ‘let’s make another son famous’ scheme, and is all “THIS IS YOUR DESTINY. THIIIISSS IS YOUR JOURNEY.”

Nothing changes at the end of Jojo’s hometown with Jordan, beacuse she’s just as insecure as she was with him on night one, but it’s nothing that an “I love you” can’t fix, right?

Shit hits the fan on Robby’s date, when all of America let out a unanimous “THE FUCK?” when Jojo revealed she has the best emotional connection with Robby? Hmm, she must be blinded by his white pants.

Jojo and Robby arrive at his house with a whole entire Santa’s sleigh full of shitty Hallmark gifts. Jojo gets wasted with Robby’s mom and grills her on his past relationship with his girlfriend OF 4 YEARS THAT ENDED 3 MONTHS AGO.

I’m no math whiz, but the show lasts a total of 8 weeks, which comes out to 2 months, which if they broke up 3 months ago, Robby was single for ONE MONTH, which comes out to one pathetic loser with too much hair gel.

Jojo confronts Robby about it, and he tries to play the victim by adding in ‘we broke up and then she slapped me.’ BIG WHOOP ROBBY, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DUMP SOMEONE TO GET LAID ON NATIONAL TV.

Producers plan the same boring horse date for Luke, probably because riding a horse is the only thing he knows how to converse over. The only interaction Luke has ever brought to the table is a solid game of tonsil hockey.

Luke continues to tell Jojo he has all these surprises for her probably because producers have yet to tell him what they’re actually doing.
Jojo is shocked, but more like a ‘Christmas morning bowling ball gift’ kinda shock to see that Luke invited the whole fucking town of Texas to their date.

Luke: “In this town, we’re all family. Y’all.”

Luke takes all the credit for producer’s intricate heart-shaped flower garden, and they make out and ride off into the sunset. But seeing that Luke probably won’t break Jojo’s heart, she doesn’t see the excitement.

The rose ceremony was held in a random airplane hangar, probably the one that they’re about to fly out of to the next destination. Producers promised Luke he’d be in the running for the next Bachelor if he embarrassed himself by pulling Jojo aside and telling her he loves her.

Tears. Fake “I love you’s. EPIC cliff hanger. Awesome.

The Bachelorette Does Questionable Things With a Horse – Episode 7 Recap

Last night on The Bachelorette, we were promised that this week was going to be “HUGE” by Jojo, when really, the outcome was obvious two weeks ago after she handed out two pity roses to both Lord Farquad and Shrek the friendly giant, only to cut them both this week. GASP.

Chris Harrison starts off by blabbing some BS that I didn’t really listen to about Jojo having a really hard time choosing who’s going to meet her family… maybe because she’s dating like 6 guys.

Chris: “Jojo’s so torn between which guys her brothers won’t want to go straight OJ Simpson on next weekend, so bear with her, but you’d probs be better off getting the fuck outta here.”

Alex gets the one-on-one date of this week, because the producers are sick of hearing him constantly bitching, and it was evident he was getting the boot right off the bat after he stuck Pringles in his mouth, acting like a fucking duck. #FriendZone

He then tries some freestyle rap about him and Jojo hitting up a liquor store, or a “Lick-Oh Sto”. They arrive at some ranch where the gauchos actually laugh in his face, probs because he’s lacking like 3 feet. Alex and Jojo change into gaucho-inspired clothing, but instead Alex steps out looking like the wicked witch’s munchkin.

The rest of the guys, along with the hotel slippers Robby jacked, take a summer camp bus to their next hotel, where they also sing idiot raps about Alex, which is actually kinda funny. I wonder if they all think about the fact that they’ve all felt up the same girl…

Jojo: “I’m so glad I had this one-on-one date with Alex, because it reassured me that we have absolutely nothing in common, except our height.”

Meanwhile, PETA is shitting their pants after the real gaucho practically performs a live sex show with the horse. The poor horse is pinned to the ground when Alex and Jojo lay on top of it and start making out.

Alex: Yo soy tu goocho.
Jojo: I’m not going anywhere near your fucking goocho.

But really though, gaucho man has more chemistry with the horse than Alex and Jojo.

During dinner, Alex, who’s never even had a solo date with Jojo, pulls the “I love you” card because obvi he’s in the shitter at this point.

Alex: I’m falling in love with you.
Jojo: I’m good, thanks.

Alex doesn’t even look her in the eyes after saying goodbye, but tbh Jojo gives zero fucks.

Jordan gets the next one-on-one date, so we can watch them bone against a wall the entire time. They go to a vineyard, where they squish a bucket of grapes with their bare feet, skipping like 12 steps and 4 years in the fermentation process, and eventually ‘cheers’ over a glass of squashed grape juice mixed with sweaty sock residue.

After going to second base in a random jacuzzi, Jojo and Jordan talk about who she would meet if she were to go home to his family.

Jordan: You’ll meet my older brother Luke, and my mom, and my da-
Jojo: K, but like what about your rich NFL brother?

Jordan talks mad shit on Aaron Rogers on live television, saying that he doesn’t get along with the family, also leaving no subtlety in the ‘jealousy’ department.

“I could’ve kept playing, but I felt like football didn’t define me” – says every guy ever who gets sacked from the NFL.

Something’s telling me it was Jordan who fucked their relationship up.

Jordan also pulls the love card at dinner, and Jojo wets her pants on the spot.

Three guys get a group date with a rose on the date, so James Taylor, Chase and Robby meet in Jojo’s hotel to eat junk food and play truth or dare because ABC was probs sued for the disturbing horse-fucking date.

James Taylor tries to amp up his sex appeal by deep-throating a plateful of fries, only it backfires when he projectile voms all over the bathroom.

The slumber party-turned massage party quickly escalates to three dudes and Jojo laying on a bed together. Sick.

James Taylor tries the whole ‘get ahead by throwing everyone else down’ act by saying that Robby looked at another girl the other day, which probs means that James Taylor masturbates to his mother.

JUST BECAUSE HE’S ON THE JOJO DIET, DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN’T LOOK AT THE BRAZILIAN MENU, JAMES TAYLOR. LET HIM LIVE.

Robby reassures Jojo that he’s actually a shady fuck and that he’ll probably cheat on her because he promised his ex half his paycheck.

James: Why aren’t you attracted to me?
Jojo: I’m just not into guys that could potentially love me forever and not cheat on me.

To nobody’s surprise, Jojo gives Robby the rose, because he reassured her that he’s totally in this by saying, “I’m totally in this.”

I honestly think I fell asleep during Jojo’s one-on-one date with Luke, but it had something to do with horses and shooting things. They probably made out and she was also reassured by him with some sappy BS.

During the rose ceremony, Jojo tries to ease the tension, claiming that she totes remembers this ceremony when she was fighting for Ben’s heart.

Jojo: I remember this day because it was the day before my brothers fucked this whole thing up for me. Good luck.

America was TOTALLY speechless when Jojo dropped the two people we NEVER EVEN SAW COMING. We’ve officially learned that Jojo’s type is tight pants with a questionable career choice and a side of douche bag.

Best of luck James Taylor, keep doing what you’re doing… those poems ain’t gonna Bumble bio themselves.