Does anyone else think hometown dates are the absolute most boring week of the entire Bachelor franchise since Jojo’s mom set the bar real high with her wine bottle guzzling stint? Because this week, Jojo met all 4 of her guys’ families that looked exactly alike and said the exact same things each time.
I really don’t even need to recap all four dates, because I could sum up each one of the guys’ hometown visits in like four lines:
Jojo: I’m so excited, but so nervous.
GUY: Don’t worry, they’ll probably love you, you know, like I do.
*Jojo gets obliterated with all four moms*
Jojo to all moms: I have these red flags about your son, but what do you think?
Moms: When my son says he loves someone, it’s not just for the fame.
Jojo: I feel so much better now!
But I’m not going to stop there, because I’m really passionate about this show, and I whole-heartedly believe in true reality love ending up in sponsored Instagram post careers. #GOALS.
First up was Chase’s date, which should not have gone first, because it literally brought all of Americas’ moods to shit. There was obviously a whole mess of unfinished family crap dad and Chase didn’t have time to resolve prior to the show, but producers were all, ‘YASSS RATINGS.’
Chase brings Jojo to his own house which was most likely a vacant model home used in Colorado’s finest real estate market, and clearly unfinished because where are the stair railings…?
Chase’s dad comes over and in the most awkward encounter ever, the two blatantly disregard the fact that this is THE BACHELORETTE and NOT DR. PHIL, when Chase questions dad why his parents’ marriage failed when he was 8 years old, because where else than on reality television will you ever get good solid answers?
Chase’s dad said more words in his 3 minutes of camera time than Chase has the past 6 weeks, but that’s ok because his mom had a lot of solid things to say about Jojo:
Mom: “Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.” – things that are important when looking for ‘The One.’
Chase breaks down crying in front of his mom, when she’s all, “Sack up. Crying is not our style.” Clearly we don’t need Dr. Phil to find the root of Chase’ inability to open up now…
Next is Jordan’s hometown date in either Chico or Chino, I can’t remember, but they’re both places nobody from California ever wants to live.
Jordan takes Jojo to his high school, because it’s evident those were his ‘glory days’. His coaches still miraculously know who he is, but only because ABC paid them to stick his photos on their wall, to cover up the protege that is his NFL brother.
Jordan: You’re like the first girl I’ve brought home.
All of America:
Jojo: K so your brother Aaron won’t be here right?
JOJO LET IT GO. YOU DON’T GET TO MEET AARON AND YOU DON’T GET TO BE OLIVIA MUNN’S BEST FRIEND.
Jojo tries to pry the fabricated Aaron drama out of Jordan’s non-famous brother Luke, and it obviously goes nowhere. The whole family has some weird thing against Aaron Rogers, so WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.
Jordan’s mom is getting all Grandmother Willow and super down for this whole ‘let’s make another son famous’ scheme, and is all “THIS IS YOUR DESTINY. THIIIISSS IS YOUR JOURNEY.”
Nothing changes at the end of Jojo’s hometown with Jordan, beacuse she’s just as insecure as she was with him on night one, but it’s nothing that an “I love you” can’t fix, right?
Shit hits the fan on Robby’s date, when all of America let out a unanimous “THE FUCK?” when Jojo revealed she has the best emotional connection with Robby? Hmm, she must be blinded by his white pants.
Jojo and Robby arrive at his house with a whole entire Santa’s sleigh full of shitty Hallmark gifts. Jojo gets wasted with Robby’s mom and grills her on his past relationship with his girlfriend OF 4 YEARS THAT ENDED 3 MONTHS AGO.
I’m no math whiz, but the show lasts a total of 8 weeks, which comes out to 2 months, which if they broke up 3 months ago, Robby was single for ONE MONTH, which comes out to one pathetic loser with too much hair gel.
Jojo confronts Robby about it, and he tries to play the victim by adding in ‘we broke up and then she slapped me.’ BIG WHOOP ROBBY, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DUMP SOMEONE TO GET LAID ON NATIONAL TV.
Producers plan the same boring horse date for Luke, probably because riding a horse is the only thing he knows how to converse over. The only interaction Luke has ever brought to the table is a solid game of tonsil hockey.
Luke continues to tell Jojo he has all these surprises for her probably because producers have yet to tell him what they’re actually doing.
Jojo is shocked, but more like a ‘Christmas morning bowling ball gift’ kinda shock to see that Luke invited the whole fucking town of Texas to their date.
Luke: “In this town, we’re all family. Y’all.”
Luke takes all the credit for producer’s intricate heart-shaped flower garden, and they make out and ride off into the sunset. But seeing that Luke probably won’t break Jojo’s heart, she doesn’t see the excitement.
The rose ceremony was held in a random airplane hangar, probably the one that they’re about to fly out of to the next destination. Producers promised Luke he’d be in the running for the next Bachelor if he embarrassed himself by pulling Jojo aside and telling her he loves her.
Tears. Fake “I love you’s. EPIC cliff hanger. Awesome.
