Last night on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her producer-picked squad travel to the city of “Good Airs”, Argentina, where Jojo apparently can’t think of a better place to fall in love, only because producers told her to say that. By this week, we still barely know who Derek is, but that he’s fun to look at, and that Lord Farquad is hard to look at if you don’t have spectacles.
Wells gets the one-on-one date and is shockingly enough the only person Jojo hasn’t kissed, seeing that girl lays her lips on anything with a soft-serve cone cut with shaved sides.
Wells is flipping a bitch and sweating profusely, because they obviously lack everything from a short conversation to a human connection.
The deep convo while walking to the date:
Jojo: “It’s raining.”
Wells: “Yeah. It’s raining.”
They get to a water show/performing arts center, where people are swimming in a suspended pool of water. Before the anticipated kiss, they awkwardly cheek kiss and I’d rather drown myself in that shallow pool than endure the awkwardness once again.
Wells spends 5 min. making excuses for every possible missed opportunity and finally grows a pair and is all, “Let’s try it out I guess?”
IT’S A FUCKING KISS, WELLS, NOT ANAL BEADS.
They finally kiss and Jojo lets out something like “FUCKING FINALLY”. Then they’re forced to sit through an equally awkward dinner when Jojo asks about Wells’ past relationships and he starts sweating, talking about his ex whom he claims the two ended up being better as best friends, which translates to, “She only ever thought of me as a friend.”
Jojo quickly sticks Wells back in friend zone territory, when he goes home, and she books it to the club where everyone is rolling balls around her while she waits for the molly to kick in. All we get to see is her standing in the middle of the dance floor smiling, but what producers didn’t show was her “White Chicks” rave choreo and the Argentinian orgy she brought home.
JK. The next date is a group date with like 6 guys and James Taylor is hardcore boy-crushing all the other dudes.
James Taylor: “What am I doing here? These guys are really cool dudes.”
Jojo to the whole town: “These are all my boyfriends!”
The whole town: OK, whore…
They play soccer and Jordan scores a soccer goal and does an embarrassing touchdown victory dance he was never able to do standing on the sidelines in the NFL.
Jojo: “ONG, you’re stomach’s so hard.”
Jordan: “If you like that, you should see my ————”
Producers paid off the goalie so that James Taylor could score a goal and an annoying pity kiss. But then, still obvs threatened, shit talks Jordan for 15 min straight due to a poker altercation between the two. James has nothing interesting to say about himself, so he goes straight for the Jordan take down and also “Can I just kiss you?” Smooth.
Jojo brings Jordan out to set the record straight for the 12th time, and Jordan says it’s all a lie, so Jojo instantly falls in love again. The tension between Jordan and James reaches an all-time Jordan’s pants tight, when he aggressively swirls his wine, and I can’t decide if I’m more nervous for a bitch fight to break out or for the wine to be wasted.
Jordan: “Whatever you have against me dominated my whole one-on-one time with Jojo.”
James: “OMG SAME.”
Jojo’s all ‘fuck this’ and goes outside to get beaver bashed by Luke for a solid 20 min, and he earns himself the group date rose for not being a little bitch, but mostly for the exceptional foreplay.
Then comes the two-on-one date between Derek and Chase, which is the most entertaining. Chase bitches out Derek for not being serious about this. The three of them walk into a tango lesson when Chase proves to us that his dancing skills are about as solid as James Taylor’s poems.
Derek’s having a blast while Chase is bitching the entire time. The dinner comes and Jojo hits it off with Derek and questions why Chase has been acting like a bitch, but she picks Chase over Derek, because decent guys and The Bachelor franchise just don’t mix.
The dramatic Spanish music plays for Jojo and Chase and is also served as a soundtrack for Derek’s confessional in the car ride home, where he goes all Yoda on America.
“Derek I am. Derek imperfect.”
He’ll probs be engaged in like 3 months to his high school girlfriend. Isn’t that how this franchise works?
At the cocktail party, Jordan pulls out all the safe words, like ‘engaged’, ‘future’ and ‘do life with you’… you know, like a prison sentence. But Jojo is back at it again, in love. The rest of the group proves what actual douche bags they really are:
-Luke has a burning question he needs to get off his chest: “I want to ask you something… so where we going next week?”
-Alex spends his time bitching about not getting enough attention.
“I’m just feeling overlooked.”
-James Taylor still feels like chopped meat, “so I’m deciding to be the man and stay the course,” whatever the hell that means.
Jojo is down to one rose, when she pulls Chris Harrison aside saying she ‘can’t do this’, so he brings out an extra rose, and between Lord Farquad and male Taylor Swift, they both get to stay another week, only to both be eliminated next week, but hey… free vacation.
Alex: “This is some pity ass rose shit.”
I wish they would just hire Chad to do commentary.