Monthly Archives: June 2016

Jojo, Meet Luke’s Tongue – Episode 6 Recap

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Last night on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her producer-picked squad travel to the city of “Good Airs”, Argentina, where Jojo apparently can’t think of a better place to fall in love, only because producers told her to say that. By this week, we still barely know who Derek is, but that he’s fun to look at, and that Lord Farquad is hard to look at if you don’t have spectacles.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and is shockingly enough the only person Jojo hasn’t kissed, seeing that girl lays her lips on anything with a soft-serve cone cut with shaved sides.

Wells is flipping a bitch and sweating profusely, because they obviously lack everything from a short conversation to a human connection.

The deep convo while walking to the date:
Jojo: “It’s raining.”
Wells: “Yeah. It’s raining.”

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They get to a water show/performing arts center, where people are swimming in a suspended pool of water. Before the anticipated kiss, they awkwardly cheek kiss and I’d rather drown myself in that shallow pool than endure the awkwardness once again.

Wells spends 5 min. making excuses for every possible missed opportunity and finally grows a pair and is all, “Let’s try it out I guess?”
IT’S A FUCKING KISS, WELLS, NOT ANAL BEADS.

They finally kiss and Jojo lets out something like “FUCKING FINALLY”. Then they’re forced to sit through an equally awkward dinner when Jojo asks about Wells’ past relationships and he starts sweating, talking about his ex whom he claims the two ended up being better as best friends, which translates to, “She only ever thought of me as a friend.”

Jojo quickly sticks Wells back in friend zone territory, when he goes home, and she books it to the club where everyone is rolling balls around her while she waits for the molly to kick in. All we get to see is her standing in the middle of the dance floor smiling, but what producers didn’t show was her “White Chicks” rave choreo and the Argentinian orgy she brought home.

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JK. The next date is a group date with like 6 guys and James Taylor is hardcore boy-crushing all the other dudes.
James Taylor: “What am I doing here? These guys are really cool dudes.”

Jojo to the whole town: “These are all my boyfriends!”
The whole town: OK, whore…

They play soccer and Jordan scores a soccer goal and does an embarrassing touchdown victory dance he was never able to do standing on the sidelines in the NFL.
Jojo: “ONG, you’re stomach’s so hard.”
Jordan: “If you like that, you should see my ————”

Producers paid off the goalie so that James Taylor could score a goal and an annoying pity kiss. But then, still obvs threatened, shit talks Jordan for 15 min straight due to a poker altercation between the two. James has nothing interesting to say about himself, so he goes straight for the Jordan take down and also “Can I just kiss you?” Smooth.

Jojo brings Jordan out to set the record straight for the 12th time, and Jordan says it’s all a lie, so Jojo instantly falls in love again. The tension between Jordan and James reaches an all-time Jordan’s pants tight, when he aggressively swirls his wine, and I can’t decide if I’m more nervous for a bitch fight to break out or for the wine to be wasted.

Jordan: “Whatever you have against me dominated my whole one-on-one time with Jojo.”
James: “OMG SAME.”

Jojo’s all ‘fuck this’ and goes outside to get beaver bashed by Luke for a solid 20 min, and he earns himself the group date rose for not being a little bitch, but mostly for the exceptional foreplay.

Then comes the two-on-one date between Derek and Chase, which is the most entertaining. Chase bitches out Derek for not being serious about this. The three of them walk into a tango lesson when Chase proves to us that his dancing skills are about as solid as James Taylor’s poems.

Derek’s having a blast while Chase is bitching the entire time. The dinner comes and Jojo hits it off with Derek and questions why Chase has been acting like a bitch, but she picks Chase over Derek, because decent guys and The Bachelor franchise just don’t mix.

The dramatic Spanish music plays for Jojo and Chase and is also served as a soundtrack for Derek’s confessional in the car ride home, where he goes all Yoda on America.
“Derek I am. Derek imperfect.”

He’ll probs be engaged in like 3 months to his high school girlfriend. Isn’t that how this franchise works?

At the cocktail party, Jordan pulls out all the safe words, like ‘engaged’, ‘future’ and ‘do life with you’… you know, like a prison sentence. But Jojo is back at it again, in love. The rest of the group proves what actual douche bags they really are:

-Luke has a burning question he needs to get off his chest: “I want to ask you something… so where we going next week?”

-Alex spends his time bitching about not getting enough attention.
“I’m just feeling overlooked.”
Yeah, clearly.

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-James Taylor still feels like chopped meat, “so I’m deciding to be the man and stay the course,” whatever the hell that means.

Jojo is down to one rose, when she pulls Chris Harrison aside saying she ‘can’t do this’, so he brings out an extra rose, and between Lord Farquad and male Taylor Swift, they both get to stay another week, only to both be eliminated next week, but hey… free vacation.

Alex: “This is some pity ass rose shit.”
Pretty much.

I wish they would just hire Chad to do commentary.

The Chad May Be Gone, But He’ll Forever Live On – Episode 5 Recap

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So I’ve come back from a Bachelorette break, and this craphole of a season just goes to show that I literally did not miss one thing because what I’ve learned from the past two episodes is that Jojo (AKA producers) still has the dick doctor, the basement serial killer Canadian and bacne-Chad thinking they stand a chance, and that Jordan still thinks he’s hot shit for being a benchwarmer even though it’s clear he’s gonna get laid in the coming weeks. ABC, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FINDING THESE PEOPLE, CRAIGSLIST? MEGAN’S LAW?

Jojo’s presence (with the exception of her boobs) apparently hasn’t been given a crap about since the last three episodes seeing that Chad has officially run out of his daily roid dosage and become the ultimate shitstorm carrying the ratings and that he’s capable of deep throating an entire yam. See? All caught up now.

The ep starts off where it left off in Pennsylvania in a town that was so desperately publicized by ABC because it’s not even good enough to be a drive-through town. Chad gets the ‘Olivia’ by Jojo on the two-on-one and left in a deserted forest at night, where footage of him wandering through the forest will probs be saved for the next shitty J. Lo horror film.

At the house, Alex arrives back from the date, clearly more stoked about Chad leaving than that other thing called Jojo, and it’s like the scene in Wizard of Oz where they’re cheering on the munchkin that slayed the witch. The guys’ bromance heats up as they kiss each others’ asses and sing “Ding! Dong! The Chad is dead!” They even host a burial for Chad using his penis-enhancing powder, courtesy of Evan.

Chad to all the guys: When this show’s over, I’ll fuckin’ find you and hunt you down.
Chad to all of America: She thinks I’m too intense, or something.

Evan: AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.
Chad: You’re rich, don’t you own dick companies?

The rose ceremony only gets worse when all the guys turn into a pack of hormonal seventh grade girls and start picking on each other. Chase somehow pulls giant blow-up balls out of his ass and makes Jojo get in one while wearing a floor-length ball gown. The only thing that would’ve made this better would be them going full-force toward each other, and she goes flying across the patio.

One guy: Jojo, I wrote you a poem.
Jojo: K can we hurry this up?

While all the guys are bitching about each other and losing at life, Jordan and Jojo are having sex on the other side of the wall. Smooth.

We say goodbye to some guy I don’t know and Damn Daniel the Canadian, who thinks that if this competition were based off looks, he’d still be there. Clearly he’s never watched The Bachelor before.

Daniel: “My body had nothing to do with this.” – It actually had everything to do with this.

Next stop is Punta de aeiojfjse in Uruguay, which looks like a city you’d see wells as the main water source and a mad trafficking problem. But nothing is worse than hearing a bunch of white guys (and Grant) trying to pronounce “Uruguay” for 2 hours straight.

To nobody’s surprise, Jordan gets the one-on-one date and they spend the whole day giving the yacht driver a soft core porn show, but then Jojo grills his ass at dinner, and he responds by chugging his drink while shitting his pants.

Jojo: “I randomly ran into your ex that talked the most shit on you, and I heard you were a cheat-”
Jordan: “No I didn’t.”
Jojo: I’m just so glad everything with Jordan is cleared up now.

Meanwhile, the guys are back home getting haircuts, courtesy of Vinny the barber, who ironically has the worst haircut of the group. They coincidentally come across American gossip magazines in Uruguay that reveal that Jojo is still seeing her ex. WHO LET THESE PEOPLE NEAR A MAGAZINE?! THIS IS BULLSHIT, ABC.

Jojo is on Cloud 9 after clearing everything up with Jordan, when the producer’s are all, “Chad’s gone now, so let’s just fuck with her.”

Guys to each other: That’s some shady shit she’s pulling. I’m rethinking everything.
Guys to Jojo when she confronts them: I can’t believe he would do that. you’re totally here for the right reasons.

Jojo takes the group date to the desert where Lace was abandoned two seasons ago and they go sandboarding. Derek, who crept up out of nowhere, gets the group rose and Alex goes into major bitch mode for no reason. Derek calls them out for being a bunch of cliquey bitches and Alex’s Napolean Complex reaches an all-time high at like 5 feet.

Alex calls Derek a ‘little bitch’ and should probably be careful tossing around the term ‘little’ when talking to all of America.

Jojo takes Robbie on the next one-on-one date where they grab some tacos that are banned by the FDA, right before the food cart stranger asks them if they’re getting married.

Robbie: BRB, I’ma go jump off that cliff.

Robbie, who’s obviously done his Jojo research, knows that the way to her heart is to pull the “I love you” card EVEN AFTER THE FIRST TIME YOU HANG OUT WITH HER.

Robbie: Jojo, I know that I’ve fallen in love with you.
Jojo: I love you too, Jordan.

Later on, Chris Harrison arrives at the rose ceremony and is all, “The cocktail party has been cancelled on account of Jojo not wanting to be put through another shitty poetry reading or crappy guitar serenade.”

We said goodbye to Grant the fireman and Evan AKA Todd from Wedding Crashers when he was all, “THAT PAINTING WAS A GIFT JOJO.” The real MVPs yet again, were Jojo’s boobs, who showed more face than Vinny the barber, who somehow cried hysterically after also being eliminated tonight.

I already miss Chad, but I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise.