Monthly Archives: May 2016

The Bachelorette Almost ‘Meats’ Her Match – Episode 2 Recap

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Last night on The Bachelorette, things got real heated and not because of the firemen. We finally learned who the season’s super villain and future Bachelor in Paradise contestant will be, and also we now know that being a ‘meat head’ actually consists of gorging a shit load of meat.

It all started with the guys hearing a loud explosion outside of the mansion, where they run outside to a perfectly good limo being burned to the ground and Jojo is nowhere to be found.

Guys: “Damn, I sure hope she’s not in there.” – qualities of a really protective potential husband.

Then Jojo appears looking like she just walked out of a Hooters Girl calendar because her BOOBS just won The Bachelorette. “If you prove you’re willing to risk your life for me, I’ll prove that I can maneuver a fully loaded hose for you.”

A few of the guys go on a group date to a fireman obstacle course where they compete to “save Jojo’s life.” Wells is sucking ass beacuse his outfit weighs more than him, but Jojo’s eating that shit up and so is he because he just earned himself a sympathy vote and more time with Jojo, while the rest of the guys are literally about to die.

Wells, thinking he nailed this pun: “Every time I talk to you I feel like I’m gonna faint.”
Jojo: “Yeah, clearly.”

Grant, who’s job is an actual firefighter, is throwing a bitch fit because they’re making him work while he’s on vacation. “This is some babyback bullshit.”

The challenge comes down to Grant, Luke the farmer and Wells. We obvi know Wells is toast, and it would be humiliating for Grant to lose to Luke, who’s never been a firefighter, so Grant rescues Jojo from the fake burning building. Luke, upset, said his time with Jojo completely went up in flames and thank god that was the last of the fire puns. Grant gets his alone time with Jojo and so does Luke, who both end up kissing her, but Wells still wins the group date rose, proving that the entire challenge was about as pointless as Chris Harrison’s “This is the final rose tonight” spiel.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the guys are participating in the sausage fest of the century, singing about falling for the same girl they all met one time. Chad refuses to participate on the ridiculousness and decides to partake in an even more toolish activity, doing pullups with his suitcase full of roids attached to him and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more douchey in my life.

Another date card appears and the first one-on-one date went to Derek, and all of America pulled a Chad and was all, “Derek… never even heard of you.” They take a plane to San Francisco where they make all these decisions together, when in reality, making decisions together couldn’t be more opposite.

“Where do you want to go to dinner?”
“I don’t care.”
“How about –”
“No.”

The whole time, Derek and Jojo bond over not being over their exes.

“It’s really hard for me to open up to anyone.” – someone who clearly picked the wrong show.

Back at home, another date card arrives, and to everyone surprise, it’s another group date. The 6 biggest tools in the house conveniently find themselves at ESPN Network, when Jordan’s shitting his pants seeing that he just got fired from the NFL.

The broadcast dudes put the guys through a series of challenges that showcase their inner douchebaggery and ironically, Jordan’s touchdown victory dance was the worst. The rest of the date consisted of awful pick up lines and the guys being forced to bullshit answers about what they love the most about a girl they’ve barely met.

James Taylor, who has no idea what a Super Bowl even is, sings his way through the audition, while all the other guys kiss as and rattle off any BS they can think of about thinking Jojo is the one. Chad has no shame and spends the entire time shitting on all the other guys and not falling for the whole “act like you’re falling for her” stint, but producers are eating it up.

“Why would I make stuff up about a girl I barely know?” – The most logical asshole statement to ever be spoken on The Bachelorette.

Chad: “You’re being a little naggy over here.”
Jojo: I just really appreciate Chad’s honesty.

Uhm, what?

Everyone, clearly threatened by The Chad, throws him under the bus, making him look like the ultimate victim, but Chad ends up being ranked 2nd of all the guys, proving that the nice guys really do finish last.

During the cocktail hour leading up to the rose ceremony, Jojo spends time with James Taylor who reads her a poem, and we all know what happens to guys that read them poems. Also I can’t get handle the “please let this be over” forced smile as they’re reading said poem.

Alex then takes her to a random chair big enough for an actual elephant to sit on, and he needs a ladder to climb up, making him look even shorter than he already is… good one, producers.

Chad is shitting on everyone, saying exactly what America is thinking. “You don’t go from 6’4 to 5’4. And Nick is just fucking weird.”

Erectile Dysfunctionist: “If Chad gets a rose, I’ll rethink my whole life” – something he said in 100% seriousness.

Chad then becomes an actual Stage 5 Clinger creep and attempts to steal Jojo from everyone when finally, she’s all, “Back the fuck up, bro.”

Other guys are getting weirdly crafty with their one-on-one time, using any possible household items they can think of considering they’re prisoners for the next 8 weeks, when one guy whips out fake soap snow, and another even helps Jojo toilet-paper the Bachelor mansion, and producers are all, “Let ’em do it, this shit’s coming out of her paycheck.”

Some of the other guys are planning their attack on Chad, when Alex ends up confronting him, saying he’s scaring Jojo away.

Chad: “It’s like if the care bears surrounded you and told you they were going to kick your ass.” – I mean, he’s not wrong.

Chad gets an unnecessary amount of camera time as we watch him deep throat the entire sandwich meat inventory for like five minutes. He and Canadian are forming some sort of creepy alliance, which isn’t too surprising at this point.

Jojo’s pre-elimination speech began with, “I just want to find love like my ex did with his other girlfriend at the time, but since none of you morons are him, I guess you’ll do for now.”

Chad as each guy gets called: “She’s only keeping Alex because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people.” – Accurate.
Chad: “Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is.” – More accurate.

Jojo ends up dumping three guys including the hipster, who isn’t even phased, Will, who nobody knows and Bachelor Superfan James, who should be ashamed to call himself a superfan after not even knowing how to successfully win the show.

Can’t wait for even more of the Chad shit show next week!

The Bachelorette Season 12 Premiere: Where Have All The Normal Men Gone?

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ER MAH GERD you guys, it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

The Bachelorette premiered tonight, and we couldn’t wait to watch Jojo finally get her revenge on Ben who fucked her over on national television, but also because all of America was just relieved that it wasn’t Caila…

But let’s be real: We’re all really just here to watch the handful of drunken idiots make us feel better about our own questionable life choices, our career paths (“Bachelorette Superfan”… why can’t I get paid for that?) and to see which previous Bachelor contestant will make a comeback cameo because they’ve run out of overpriced clothing items and tummy-flattening shit to advertise on their Instagram.

Tonight kicked off on a really high note as ABC sorted through every single scene from last season that made America despise Ben Higgins after his blindsiding bullshit game. Back at home, Jojo’s mom is 4 bottles deep of red wine as she watches her daughter’s perfect boobs being stared at like two pieces of rare meat by 26 men, and her brothers are still secretly plotting the death of Jojo’s potential new reality show husband.

The entire first five minutes features Jojo realizing things and getting knocked over by a wave when the ‘pondering life’ stint completely backfires. She then arrives back at the Bachelor mansion where she’s greeted by her Bachelorette alumn pals, Ali, who’s Bachelor relationship lasted all of 4 minutes, Kaitlyn, who banged like half the guys on her season and Desiree who settled for her second choice. Good one, ABC.

The conversations were about as shallow as Ali admitted she was during her season (poor Roberto).
All the girls: “How excited are you?”
Jojo: “I’m so excited, but I’m like so nervous too, were you guys nervous too?”
Girls: “Yeah but we were sooo excited.”

Ali starts off by basically admitting she was a shallow bitch and choosing Roberto solely based off looks, and then pulls a Taylor Swift and gives solid advice: “If you really like someone, ignore them the entire first week.”
Jojo: Really, so tell me more about your successful relationship, Ali.

Kaitlyn admits she regrets boning Nick during her season, but we all know that’s a complete lie.
Des barely says a word because she’s trying to stay on Jojo’s good side to get that bridal dress design commission from her.

The first 8 guys are introduced, and the only thing we’ve come to realize is that rating obviously suck giant balls this season:

Grant: The firefighter who’s probs featured in the 2015 firefighter calendar in the sale bin by the checkout stand at Ross. “I want Jojo to light my fire.” Ok.

Jordan: Aaron Rodgers’ brother who will forever be remembered as ‘Aaron Rodgers’ brother and who’s sob story about being in his older brother’s shadow for the last 27 has already gotten old because there’s nothing more that he loves than feeding off his brother’s fame.

Alex: A marine dude who has ‘No Ragrets’ about his sick bicep tribal tattoo and who I probs swiped left to on Tinder down in San Clemente.

James: A ‘secret Bachelor fan’ who’s confused about his sexuality and doesn’t want to admit he’s trying to sell knives to make a living. His bio video featured shots of him shirtless, working out and accepting a rose from himself in the mirror. I’ll just stop there.

Evan: An ex-pastor, who ironically enough wasn’t allowed to get it up as a pastor, so now he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist… Hoping he can help me with my lack of an erection right about now.

Ali: A bartender living in Santa Monica bitching about how his siblings are successful and he’s not. He says what every bartender says and dreams of mooching off of his rich wife while getting away with surfing and getting people drunk for a living.

Christian: Some guy who works out and has a geeky tech job who grew up half black in a racist family. Isn’t Jojo’s family enough of a shit show?

Luke: Innocent farmer from a small Texas town, and we all know what happens to guys in small towns on this show. RIP, Luke.

Everyone else either seems to be from California or Texas, and looks like they were pulled last minute from a shitty LA speed dating round, so basically I’m screwed.

The guys arrive in the limo, and I now know the reason why I’m still single. The night continues to spiral into even more of a joke as producers decide which dude had the most pathetic sob story, so to nobody’s surprise, Aaron Rogers’ brother is the first out. Next is Grant, who decides that it’s a fantastic idea to bring up Jojo’s ex boyfriend and is all, “Hey Jojo, remember that time when Ben fucked you over last month? I’ll try not to do that.”

Robby comes out carrying a bottle of wine for the sole purpose of winning Jojo’s mom’s heart by participating in an epic chug sesh with Jojo, and I think I just found my soulmate. Will mixed up his cue cards (on purpose?), and his joke was a good thought but sucked.

The guitar dude came out playing his guitar and made up a song for Jojo that I can’t remember any of the words to. Then the Canadian, who’s job is a literal ‘Canadian’, and has obviously has been living under a rock or who was hit over the head with a rock, refers to the “Damn Daniel” joke that he proceeds to use about 12 times throughout the night.

Prince Ali Ababwa doesn’t stand a chance, but mumbled off some cute but forgettable ‘I’m so excited, you’re so pretty’ crap. Then we have the Asian Scottish kilt dude who blatantly made a point to tell Jojo he has a huge dick. TBH, a guy who wears a skirt and makes it a point to reference dick size in the first minute of meeting his potential wife is obvi lackin’ what he should be packin’.

Then we have even more guys who’s entrances were more painful than the thought of poking my own eyes out with a pencil. Out came the dude who arrived as a full-on Santa Claus, and not even a sexy Santa Claus, and probably rented the sweaty outfit from a wanted pedophile escapist. Then there’s the guy who gave Jojo a pair of actual blue balls, the guy who did the splits making all of America wondering whether or not his balls were still in tact, motorcycle dude, a hipster who arrived high off his ass not even knowing what show he’s on, a guy who dressed a real live horse up as a unicorn and the guy who somehow got away with bringing along an actual a cappella group. What happened with just saying hi?

Jojo, relieved that the shitstorm is over and pissed at ABC who’s responsible for this crap selection of epic douchery, gets immediately snatched away by the marine dude, who’s automatically the most hated guy in the house, but mostly because he has nothing to say, so naturally, he attempts to allude to the only other thing he’s good at: pushups.

After talking to a bunch of randoms, she pretty much says all the guys suck ass, but then Aaron Rogers’ brother swoops in and the rest of the show becomes the Jordan and Jojo show. The ‘Damn Daniel’ dude rips on everyone saying they’re all trying too hard, right before he takes Jojo aside to try and explain the entire ‘Damn Daniel’ joke for a solid 10 minutes that was like so February.

The serenading a cappella group guy is still lugging around his team of Pitch Perfect rejects while the Canadian obviously needed more attention and quickly made his mark as the first drunken ass hole of the season to stumble into the pool, earning himself a producer pity rose.

The rest of the night was the most confusing, unnecessary attempt at trying to boost rating I’ve ever witnessed in my 10 years of watching this series. Everyone becomes hammered and barges in on Jojo during her confession crap, and then we spend 5 minutes listening to why it’s not ok to poke a guy’s belly button, which I find hilariously ironic that the erectile dysfunction dude was the unfortunate finger banging victim.

Luke needed a tactic to get back in the game so he gifted Jojo with a pair of cowboy boots from his own suitcase after wiping off all the cow crap, but was too little too late when Aaron Rogers’ brother got the first impression rose, because DUH, and now everyone else is busy hating on him, including his ex girlfriend, who’s been ripping him a new one all over social media tonight.

But big dick Jon did a great job in reminding everyone that the first impression rose means nothing because of that time Olivia got it, and then was left on an island… and that was the last of big dick John.

The rose ceremony was an even worse attempt at boosting ratings because Jake Palsjalsdjflk, AKA Jojo’s ‘long-time friend’ and one of the dickest Bachelors of ALL time, stops by to tell Jojo that he just wants her to find love, only because his public raging fight with his ex Vienna has stopped getting YouTube views.

Jojo finally eliminates 6 of the 26 suitors, including skirt-wearing John, drunken Nick and four others nobody cares about. As the guys left, their goodbyes were something along the lines of Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation: “Bye, good luck, suck my dick, suck his dick, suck your dick.”

Until next time.