Last night on The Bachelorette, things got real heated and not because of the firemen. We finally learned who the season’s super villain and future Bachelor in Paradise contestant will be, and also we now know that being a ‘meat head’ actually consists of gorging a shit load of meat.
It all started with the guys hearing a loud explosion outside of the mansion, where they run outside to a perfectly good limo being burned to the ground and Jojo is nowhere to be found.
Guys: “Damn, I sure hope she’s not in there.” – qualities of a really protective potential husband.
Then Jojo appears looking like she just walked out of a Hooters Girl calendar because her BOOBS just won The Bachelorette. “If you prove you’re willing to risk your life for me, I’ll prove that I can maneuver a fully loaded hose for you.”
A few of the guys go on a group date to a fireman obstacle course where they compete to “save Jojo’s life.” Wells is sucking ass beacuse his outfit weighs more than him, but Jojo’s eating that shit up and so is he because he just earned himself a sympathy vote and more time with Jojo, while the rest of the guys are literally about to die.
Wells, thinking he nailed this pun: “Every time I talk to you I feel like I’m gonna faint.”
Jojo: “Yeah, clearly.”
Grant, who’s job is an actual firefighter, is throwing a bitch fit because they’re making him work while he’s on vacation. “This is some babyback bullshit.”
The challenge comes down to Grant, Luke the farmer and Wells. We obvi know Wells is toast, and it would be humiliating for Grant to lose to Luke, who’s never been a firefighter, so Grant rescues Jojo from the fake burning building. Luke, upset, said his time with Jojo completely went up in flames and thank god that was the last of the fire puns. Grant gets his alone time with Jojo and so does Luke, who both end up kissing her, but Wells still wins the group date rose, proving that the entire challenge was about as pointless as Chris Harrison’s “This is the final rose tonight” spiel.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the guys are participating in the sausage fest of the century, singing about falling for the same girl they all met one time. Chad refuses to participate on the ridiculousness and decides to partake in an even more toolish activity, doing pullups with his suitcase full of roids attached to him and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more douchey in my life.
Another date card appears and the first one-on-one date went to Derek, and all of America pulled a Chad and was all, “Derek… never even heard of you.” They take a plane to San Francisco where they make all these decisions together, when in reality, making decisions together couldn’t be more opposite.
“Where do you want to go to dinner?”
“I don’t care.”
“How about –”
The whole time, Derek and Jojo bond over not being over their exes.
“It’s really hard for me to open up to anyone.” – someone who clearly picked the wrong show.
Back at home, another date card arrives, and to everyone surprise, it’s another group date. The 6 biggest tools in the house conveniently find themselves at ESPN Network, when Jordan’s shitting his pants seeing that he just got fired from the NFL.
The broadcast dudes put the guys through a series of challenges that showcase their inner douchebaggery and ironically, Jordan’s touchdown victory dance was the worst. The rest of the date consisted of awful pick up lines and the guys being forced to bullshit answers about what they love the most about a girl they’ve barely met.
James Taylor, who has no idea what a Super Bowl even is, sings his way through the audition, while all the other guys kiss as and rattle off any BS they can think of about thinking Jojo is the one. Chad has no shame and spends the entire time shitting on all the other guys and not falling for the whole “act like you’re falling for her” stint, but producers are eating it up.
“Why would I make stuff up about a girl I barely know?” – The most logical asshole statement to ever be spoken on The Bachelorette.
Chad: “You’re being a little naggy over here.”
Jojo: I just really appreciate Chad’s honesty.
Everyone, clearly threatened by The Chad, throws him under the bus, making him look like the ultimate victim, but Chad ends up being ranked 2nd of all the guys, proving that the nice guys really do finish last.
During the cocktail hour leading up to the rose ceremony, Jojo spends time with James Taylor who reads her a poem, and we all know what happens to guys that read them poems. Also I can’t get handle the “please let this be over” forced smile as they’re reading said poem.
Alex then takes her to a random chair big enough for an actual elephant to sit on, and he needs a ladder to climb up, making him look even shorter than he already is… good one, producers.
Chad is shitting on everyone, saying exactly what America is thinking. “You don’t go from 6’4 to 5’4. And Nick is just fucking weird.”
Erectile Dysfunctionist: “If Chad gets a rose, I’ll rethink my whole life” – something he said in 100% seriousness.
Chad then becomes an actual Stage 5 Clinger creep and attempts to steal Jojo from everyone when finally, she’s all, “Back the fuck up, bro.”
Other guys are getting weirdly crafty with their one-on-one time, using any possible household items they can think of considering they’re prisoners for the next 8 weeks, when one guy whips out fake soap snow, and another even helps Jojo toilet-paper the Bachelor mansion, and producers are all, “Let ’em do it, this shit’s coming out of her paycheck.”
Some of the other guys are planning their attack on Chad, when Alex ends up confronting him, saying he’s scaring Jojo away.
Chad: “It’s like if the care bears surrounded you and told you they were going to kick your ass.” – I mean, he’s not wrong.
Chad gets an unnecessary amount of camera time as we watch him deep throat the entire sandwich meat inventory for like five minutes. He and Canadian are forming some sort of creepy alliance, which isn’t too surprising at this point.
Jojo’s pre-elimination speech began with, “I just want to find love like my ex did with his other girlfriend at the time, but since none of you morons are him, I guess you’ll do for now.”
Chad as each guy gets called: “She’s only keeping Alex because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people.” – Accurate.
Chad: “Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is.” – More accurate.
Jojo ends up dumping three guys including the hipster, who isn’t even phased, Will, who nobody knows and Bachelor Superfan James, who should be ashamed to call himself a superfan after not even knowing how to successfully win the show.
Can’t wait for even more of the Chad shit show next week!