Monthly Archives: March 2016

The Bachelor Flips a Coin & Pops The Question – Season Finale Recap

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In the sweetest, most romantic Bachelor proposal of all time, Ben Higgins chose his forever soulmate after playing a riveting game of Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo and gets down on one knee and confesses his love to Lauren after telling Jojo he also kind of loved her in the same hour, making Ben the only exception to not receiving enough attention as an only child.

As if we already lost hope in Ben after going balls to the wall with the “I love you” card last week to everyone and their mothers, and probs the producers and half Jamaica’s population, Chris Harrison gave us even less hope for mankind when he revealed that this would be the most dramatic season finale of The Bachelor, LIKE EVER. You know, like the how one woman would get rejected after being led on and then one lives happily ever after. GASP.

Producers also thought they were outsmarting everyone when they told Ben’s pastor they’d get him laid if he showed up to sway Ben into a surprise marriage ceremony with the winner in front of a romantic live studio audience probs for budgeting purposes.

Meanwhile, back at Jamaica Sandals resort, we catch up with Lauren and Jojo, who to nobody’s surprise, were both staring out at nothing just in time for cameras to catch the groundbreaking moments.

Lolo: “I can’t believe this weekend is finally here. Ben told me he loves me, and I can’t wait to be his wife. I’m just so excited. And like so nervous. But so excited.”

Jojo: “I can’t believe this weekend is finally here. Ben told me he loves me, and I can’t wait to be his wife. I’m just so excited. And like so nervous. But so excited.”

But most importantly, we learn that Lauren’s signature waddle has reached a record-breaking constipation level and I’m legit starting to worry for her.

Ben, on the other hand, is busy scheming up the least criminalistic way to brainwash the girls into a new life in Utah because the amount of times he’s told us he wants to sister-wife-up both of them is actually terrifying.

Ben: “I’m so scared I’m gonna make a mistake this week.”
K, but you’re kind of too late for that.

Ben’s parents arrive in Jamaica after making a stop for some grade-A ganja when he gives mom and dad ALL the crucial 411 on Lauren, so they’re prepped before her arrival.
“You’re gonna be meeting Lauren today. What I love most about her is that she seems nice, but she really loves Warsaw.” Oh, the YMCA date? Ok.

Ben greets Lauren, who arrives with a massive bouquet of flowers that screams, “Can I please kiss your ass?” and I can’t decide who’s shorts are shorter here between the two.
Lauren’s meet-the-parents date couldn’t have been more boring if it tried. Ben tries to validate telling two women he loves them by throwing Lauren under the bus right away and is all, “On our first date, Lauren creepily said she wanted to meet you guys, how fucked up is that?”

Then she and Ben’s mom have some sacred hand-holding bonding sesh and Lauren gets really deep: “Ever since day one, I’ve trusted Ben wholeheartedly and I don’t know why.”
Lauren’s mom: “Same.”

Lauren then starts making all the sense when she bribes mom with some crap about looking at the world differently after being on three dates with her son, even though she hasn’t had actual contact with the real world in like 3 months.

She also reveals that she thinks she’s fully ready to marry Ben and gets the sweetest blessing back from mom.
Mom: Reaaallly? You suuure?

After Lolo leaves, Ben breaks the news to his parents: “I’m in love with two women… and I told them both.”
Ben’s parents, reaching for the weed: We had ONE job.

Ben: Do you have advice for me for loving two women?
Mom: Nice try, bro.

Jojo arrives to the house next with a sad bouquet producers hand-picked but that’s ok because pretty sure Ben’s parents are planning on adopting Jojo as we speak because she literally slayed the parental showdown.

Dad: “So what’s up with this fascination with Ben?” As if he genuinely doesn’t know, and we’ve finally solved the mystery why Ben feels so ‘unlovable.’ Jojo excitedly tells mom that Ben said he loves her and would never tell anyone else that and mom returned a painful smile like, “Aww at least you’re pretty.”

Mom had no problem telling all of America she’s hardcore #TeamJojo and I wish I could see Lauren’s reaction watching this back. Ben and Jojo leave the house where Ben continues to dig his own grave: “Marriage is for sure at the end of this. You know how i feel about you seriously chill.”

Ben’s boat date with Lauren was so boring that it could’ve been turned on mute the entire time because there were like 4 words spoken. He’s obvs realizing that a life with two girls is something only out of a porno or Utah or whatever, but attempts to reassure Lauren that he feels “weird, crazy, good, it’s life.” Solid.

Ben and Lauren spent the evening portion of the date saying no words and awkwardly smelling each others’ faces while hugging on the couch… and now I’m beginning to wonder if you really can smell something in Ben’s breath (cc: Caila).

Ben begins his date with Jojo with an epic master plan: “I’m going to do my best to compare Jojo to Lauren today.” Let us know how that works out.

Ben and Jojo once again fornicate on the side of the road for 8 hours before driving to yet another waterfall because ABC used up the rest of their budget on prepping for a surprise wedding that nobody wants.

They jump in together, Ben pretty much cannonballing right on top of her. Since Jojo strategically uses the remainder of her date to actually use words and make Ben think, he’s all, “Words too big. Ben confused. Need more time.”

Jojo: I need him to give me a sign, or like a feelsky or something, and there was none of that.

Ben then makes everything worse by hardcore friend-zoneing Jojo and is all, “You’re just totally like my best friend.”

The night portion of their date helped Jojo’s cause no better at all when they attempted to sneak into the bathroom, still fully mic-ed, where Ben’s all, “I’m on the bathroom floor telling you I love you… I didn’t even do this for Lauren when I told her the same thing!”

The next day, Ben goes to pick up his “customized” engagement ring at Neil Lane’s classy pop-up shop, acting like he’s already made up his mind, when Neil tries to grill him on the special girl.

Neil: So tell me about her!
Ben: Which one?

Not only does Neil Lane suck at being a therapist, but he also sucks at being a human for allowing Ben to choose a ring that looks like a high school graduation ring that you wear like never.

Ben, thinking stuff to himself: “I can’t imagine what they’re going through. It must suck to be them.” Do tell us more stuff to make America fall for you!

Proposal day arrives and for some reason that nobody understands, Jojo is more confident than ever before that Ben will be proposing to her after their god-awful date.

Unfortunately Jojo and her killer cleavage are the first out of the helicopter, and we all know what that means, but at least producers gave her the better outfit so Ben would regret every decision he’s ever made as she walks away.

Ben, who’s still playing a “Best 2 out of 3” coin toss as Jojo walks up, has a shit poker face and twists the knife by letting her completely finish her proposal to him when he starts his sentence with, “Um…” and that of course ended awesome. He rambled some BS along the lines of, “I loved our helicopter rides together. I found love with you. I found it with somebody else more. But my feelings haven’t changed for you.”
Jojo: The fugg kinda weed you smoking dude?!

Jojo books it for the car and Ben throws himself a pity party of one by saying he doesn’t deserve Jojo and this is the first time America was in full agreement with him. He then takes off his jacket and is sweating perfusely because he remembers he suddenly forgot to get a restraining order on Jojo’s brothers after the shit show that just went down.

After Ben takes a breather and sucks down a SnackPack, courtesy of mom, he calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage and acting super surprised dad gave his blessing, Ben does some embarrassing victory hop air pound by himself, and Jojo’s all, “I’m good now.”

Ben and Lauren’s conversation upon her arrival is something like this:
“You look good.”
“No yoooou look good.”
“Stahp it, no you do!”
“I know.”

Ben strategically thought out a well-rehearsed proposal speech that wouldn’t specify to either girl: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you. On the face. Marry me?” Lauren can’t stop laughing probs because Ben’s speech and if you wanna know what being engaged to Ben feels like, “It feels so good. Like so good.”

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Last night’s After The Final Rose was about as useful as Lauren’s airplane safety procedure skits and tbh, even those are more thrilling.

Chris Harrison is the actual idiot boy who cried wolf after promising a bunch of drama and shocking announcements and all that really happened was Ben blabbing on about this being the craziest experience ever, not regretting having semi-consensual sex with 3 people in 3 days and being so relieved his fiancee still approves of him being unsure on the day of their engagement.

Jojo first came out looking like an actual smoke show and Ben’s mom is sitting backstage patting herself on the back like “Sucks to suck Benny boy.” But really though, I spent the entire ATFR hour chugging wine and staring at Jojo’s boobs, so the bulk of their conversation was a blur, but that says something when I still didn’t miss anything.

Chris Harrison: Jojo, how have you coped from being dumped on live television?
Jojo: “Well Chris, it really helped me to watch everything back and see that Ben was a miserable load of shit after I left.”

Meanwhile Pastor Dan is in the back angrily pacing back and forth and flipping through his bible, about to hit up the strip club if this shit doesn’t escalate stat.

Jojo handles the entire thing like a champ and Ben’s all “It sucks that a piece of my life is like now gone.” Ugh, we’re so sad for you.

Chris Harrison, master of stirring the pot: “But like to some degree, you still love Jojo, right?”
Ben: Tell me Chris, how’s your love life going?

Ben quickly tucked his boner up into his waistband just in time for his new wifey to come out. Lauren is, to nobody’s surprise, wearing white lace because ABC is still pathetically trying everything they can to kill like 12 birds with one stone and not have to pay for a lavish wedding next year.

Ben and Lauren: “It’s crazy being engaged. We’re so in love. It’s just so crazy. This experience has been so crazy.”

They also reveal that one of their secret hiding places only had a bed and a couch and that they sat and stared at each other for 3 days straight, which means that Ben is like a boring potato in the sack or he just didn’t want Pastor Bill to shun him.

Chris Harrison obviously figured Caila would be taken much more seriously on Bachelor in Paradise so Jojo is the new Bachelorette yaaaaaassssassassassssss!!!

Ben, shitting himself: THAAAAA FUUUUUUCKKK!?????!!!!!

Counting down the days until May when Jojo makes Ben even more jealous on Bachelorette, but really I just can’t wait to see more of drunken Lace in the third person make out with Jorge the bartender on Bach in Paradise.

Season 20, OUT.

The Bachelor Is Jamaican Me CRAZY And I Can’t EVEN – Episode 9 Recap

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Last night on The Bachelor Ben confirmed what society already assumed (or maybe I’m just bitter), that the male species is dumb as crap and only thinks with their heads, and I’m not talking about the heads that are visible. This caused America to wish they all had as much access to weed as the girls did in Jamaica because shit got ugly and we all couldn’t seem to find our chill fast enough, seeing that Ben lent out “I love you’s” almost as many times as he lent out his peepee.

The week leading up to the fantasy suite dates was presumably a prep week as the girls took full advantage of a 3-for-1 Brazilian wax Groupon deal and set aside a few hours out of the days to strengthen up their kegels.

Ben, on the other hand, arrives in Jamaica ready as he’ll ever be, where we first see him doing his fake pondering life stint while rambling some BS about how he’s so lucky that he won’t be judged for having sex with three girls in three nights. He also looks like he was styled by a blind Gap employee, and somewhere in a faraway land, we hear the faint screams of Damian from Mean Girls yelling at his TV screen, “I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.”

The intros to all three of the girls could not have made the winner more obvious, and also made sure to remind America about Caila’s Stage 5 Clinger grasp on Ben and Jojo’s weird obsessive brothers, who are probs killing themselves over the thought of Ben and Jojo Ja-makin’ babies in the fantasy suite.

Ben reveals that Caila is his deepest relationship, and the last time America was this confused was when Ben Flajnik was elected Bachelor.

Caila obvs smoked a fat Jamaican blunt before her date because this is the first time we’ve ever seen her without a smile straight out of The Shining. The awkward silence caused Bachelor Nation to channel Jojo’s mom right from the start, AKA chug profusely. Caila and ben take a ride down a river on a boat made of sticks, and the eerie vibes mixed with a horror movie soundtrack made it perfectly clear this date would end in shit.

However, the date picks back up when they stop for some jerk chicken at a super sketch river hut that probs also deals the best weed, but I’m actually not even kidding because I did this exact river thing in Jamaica and it was the best meal I had.

At this point, things couldn’t possibly get worse, but somehow they did. Ben’s mind was clearly made up after he realized he was more turned on by the jerk chicken than by Caila, but since there’s an opp for sex at the end of this date, he stuck it out (pun intended).

Later that night, the weed wore off and Caila snapped out of it, revealing that she’s had doubts in every relationship she’s been in, except the one with Ben AKA where he’s openly dating two other women.

Caila: I love you.
Ben: Can’t we just go back to playing the quiet game?

After Ben attempts to reassure her with a pity kiss, Caila was all, “Ben didn’t even have to say anything back, I could just sense it in his breath.” Nah, that was probs whiskey.

Ben: “This is what I’ve been waiting for!” AKA the green light to get in her pants and so she’d stop talking. Ben then whips out his penis date card, which says the same painstakingly repetitive words as the last 20 seasons: “You thirsty? Here’s the key.”

Caila: I absolutely think we should take advantage of me this opportunity.

Neither of them seemed to give a flying fuck what the place looked like and headed straight for the bed. The next morning it was Caila’s turn to indulge in an all-you-can-eat-buffet, after Ben seemingly got enough the night before.

The goodbye was the worst thing ever after Caila word-vomitted another “I love you” and Ben’s awk smile will haunt us for life.

Lauren’s date was an actual snoozefest only because she might as well have arrived in a white dress and a veil, and we wouldn’t even be surprised. But instead, she arrived on the dock walking like she hasn’t taken a shit in a week.

Ben and Lauren take a boat to super-secret part of the island that reminded us of the place where Olivia was left to rot and I’m beginning to think that producers are realizing they can get mad discounts on dates if they put the couple to work (cc: Amanda’s ratchet McDonald’s labor date).

Lauren: “There’s just something about the water and sun.” Because those are rarities you can’t find anywhere else.

The two arrive on a deserted part of the island, where they’re greeted by a random British guy with a box of sea turtles.

Lauren: If you’re from Jamaica, why are you white?

Ben literally says that he and Lauren are “helping sea turtles survive and that’s a very important thing” because this is obvs a 3-person job. He also gets super deep and says that “his day is filled with cuteness” and he’s so google-eyed, it’s gross.

Immediately after they set the baby sea turtles free, (BCUZ IF THEY DIDN’T WHO WOULD?!), Ben and Lauren celebrate by running into the water to make out, probs stepping on like half the turtles in their path.

Ben then tells Lauren he’s too good for her and she’s all, “And?” The rest of the date is super scandalous when Lauren tells Ben she loves him and he breaks the rules and tells it to her back and their deep meaningful post-love convo consists purely of, “OMG we love each other. Hehe. Haha.”

Lauren: Should we-
Ben: YES.

They have adorably boring PG missionary sex while staring into each other’s eyes the rest of the night and spend the remainder of the night naming their future children after Ben’s great-grandma he still calls every day.

They wake up and Ben was the first to use the sappy pet name card, like a 1950’s sitcom couple.
Lauren: “I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.” YEAH, WE BET YOU DO.

Jojo’s date came as no shock considering the previews blatantly revealed that Ben would be telling two women he loved them and obviously Caila was SOL. Jojo didn’t even need the fantasy suite as she jumped on Ben at first sight and they dry humped for like 5 min. She stupidly brought up their nightmare of a hometown date, but all ben thought about was the fact that her brothers get to watch him bang her at the end of this date, so like he wins.

They take a helicopter ride around the island and have a really thoughtful conversation.
Jojo: Jamaica’s so nice.
Ben: It is.

They jump into a waterfall and I can only imagine the pain of Jojo’s tiny string bikini riding all the way up her ass. Her makeup is still somehow flawless as she tells Ben she loves him and Ben’s all, “Samesies.”

Jojo: THE FUCK?!
America: Samesies.

Apparently the thought of loving two women doesn’t scare Ben and he’s now pretty much almost as hated as Juan Pablo.

Jojo says yes to the fantasy suite and Ben’s like, “THREE FOR THREE, MUTHA FUCKAAAA.”

They spend the rest of the night consummating their secondhand love inside their private jacuzzi, and the only thing Jojo will be taking away from this date is a gnarly yeast infection.

Producers are just as royally fucked as Ben in this episode when they’re all, “Hey Caila, Ben has something he reaaalllly needs to tell you. It’s urgent!” What’s worse is that producers then make it seem like Caila’s about to walk in on Ben and Jojo mid-bang. SIKE.

Caila runs around the premises with a possessed child’s smile, and is all, “I FINNNNDD YOU.”

After she scares Ben not one bit, the breakup was equally as painful as this backstabbing setup was. Ben pretty much tells Caila she’s wifey material, but that he thinks two other women here are naked wifey material.

Caila called his ass out with a huge smile on her face saying this shit sounds like a line, probably because it was, as producers were feeding the entire thing to Ben on cue cards. Before Caila left she even jumped back out of the car to twist the knife even further and ask what exactly went wrong.

Ben: “I know I have to get down on one knee at the end of this, but you didn’t even get down on two.”

But it’s ok because Caila can go back home to add “pretty crying” and “smiling while crying” to her resume and become America’s favorite next week during Women Tell All when she makes Ben look like a dumb shit.

Only Lauren and Jojo show up at the rose ceremony, when Lauren tattles to Chris Harrison that Ben broke the rules and he gave a face like, “Yep and that dipshit’s paycheck is bout to be slashed!”

Lauren and Jojo are trying desperately to find something to say because God forbid they ask each other, “How was your night?” Ben calls Jojo’s name first, so that def means she performed the best, right?

Ben toasted to the three of them, pretty much hinting that he desperately wants a sister wives bond with the two of them at the end of this, which isn’t surprising considering they’re all like blood brothers after this weekend.

I’m so excited for After The Final Rose episode, when Ben gets engaged to Lauren, and she’ll get a free pass after every fight, saying, “WELL YOU SAID I LOVE YOU TO ANOTHER WOMAN.”

But mostly I’m excited for next week’s Women Tell All episode because I miss Olivia, Lace and Jubes more than life.