In the sweetest, most romantic Bachelor proposal of all time, Ben Higgins chose his forever soulmate after playing a riveting game of Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo and gets down on one knee and confesses his love to Lauren after telling Jojo he also kind of loved her in the same hour, making Ben the only exception to not receiving enough attention as an only child.
As if we already lost hope in Ben after going balls to the wall with the “I love you” card last week to everyone and their mothers, and probs the producers and half Jamaica’s population, Chris Harrison gave us even less hope for mankind when he revealed that this would be the most dramatic season finale of The Bachelor, LIKE EVER. You know, like the how one woman would get rejected after being led on and then one lives happily ever after. GASP.
Producers also thought they were outsmarting everyone when they told Ben’s pastor they’d get him laid if he showed up to sway Ben into a surprise marriage ceremony with the winner in front of a romantic live studio audience probs for budgeting purposes.
Meanwhile, back at Jamaica Sandals resort, we catch up with Lauren and Jojo, who to nobody’s surprise, were both staring out at nothing just in time for cameras to catch the groundbreaking moments.
Lolo: “I can’t believe this weekend is finally here. Ben told me he loves me, and I can’t wait to be his wife. I’m just so excited. And like so nervous. But so excited.”
Jojo: “I can’t believe this weekend is finally here. Ben told me he loves me, and I can’t wait to be his wife. I’m just so excited. And like so nervous. But so excited.”
But most importantly, we learn that Lauren’s signature waddle has reached a record-breaking constipation level and I’m legit starting to worry for her.
Ben, on the other hand, is busy scheming up the least criminalistic way to brainwash the girls into a new life in Utah because the amount of times he’s told us he wants to sister-wife-up both of them is actually terrifying.
Ben: “I’m so scared I’m gonna make a mistake this week.”
K, but you’re kind of too late for that.
Ben’s parents arrive in Jamaica after making a stop for some grade-A ganja when he gives mom and dad ALL the crucial 411 on Lauren, so they’re prepped before her arrival.
“You’re gonna be meeting Lauren today. What I love most about her is that she seems nice, but she really loves Warsaw.” Oh, the YMCA date? Ok.
Ben greets Lauren, who arrives with a massive bouquet of flowers that screams, “Can I please kiss your ass?” and I can’t decide who’s shorts are shorter here between the two.
Lauren’s meet-the-parents date couldn’t have been more boring if it tried. Ben tries to validate telling two women he loves them by throwing Lauren under the bus right away and is all, “On our first date, Lauren creepily said she wanted to meet you guys, how fucked up is that?”
Then she and Ben’s mom have some sacred hand-holding bonding sesh and Lauren gets really deep: “Ever since day one, I’ve trusted Ben wholeheartedly and I don’t know why.”
Lauren’s mom: “Same.”
Lauren then starts making all the sense when she bribes mom with some crap about looking at the world differently after being on three dates with her son, even though she hasn’t had actual contact with the real world in like 3 months.
She also reveals that she thinks she’s fully ready to marry Ben and gets the sweetest blessing back from mom.
Mom: Reaaallly? You suuure?
After Lolo leaves, Ben breaks the news to his parents: “I’m in love with two women… and I told them both.”
Ben’s parents, reaching for the weed: We had ONE job.
Ben: Do you have advice for me for loving two women?
Mom: Nice try, bro.
Jojo arrives to the house next with a sad bouquet producers hand-picked but that’s ok because pretty sure Ben’s parents are planning on adopting Jojo as we speak because she literally slayed the parental showdown.
Dad: “So what’s up with this fascination with Ben?” As if he genuinely doesn’t know, and we’ve finally solved the mystery why Ben feels so ‘unlovable.’ Jojo excitedly tells mom that Ben said he loves her and would never tell anyone else that and mom returned a painful smile like, “Aww at least you’re pretty.”
Mom had no problem telling all of America she’s hardcore #TeamJojo and I wish I could see Lauren’s reaction watching this back. Ben and Jojo leave the house where Ben continues to dig his own grave: “Marriage is for sure at the end of this. You know how i feel about you seriously chill.”
Ben’s boat date with Lauren was so boring that it could’ve been turned on mute the entire time because there were like 4 words spoken. He’s obvs realizing that a life with two girls is something only out of a porno or Utah or whatever, but attempts to reassure Lauren that he feels “weird, crazy, good, it’s life.” Solid.
Ben and Lauren spent the evening portion of the date saying no words and awkwardly smelling each others’ faces while hugging on the couch… and now I’m beginning to wonder if you really can smell something in Ben’s breath (cc: Caila).
Ben begins his date with Jojo with an epic master plan: “I’m going to do my best to compare Jojo to Lauren today.” Let us know how that works out.
Ben and Jojo once again fornicate on the side of the road for 8 hours before driving to yet another waterfall because ABC used up the rest of their budget on prepping for a surprise wedding that nobody wants.
They jump in together, Ben pretty much cannonballing right on top of her. Since Jojo strategically uses the remainder of her date to actually use words and make Ben think, he’s all, “Words too big. Ben confused. Need more time.”
Jojo: I need him to give me a sign, or like a feelsky or something, and there was none of that.
Ben then makes everything worse by hardcore friend-zoneing Jojo and is all, “You’re just totally like my best friend.”
The night portion of their date helped Jojo’s cause no better at all when they attempted to sneak into the bathroom, still fully mic-ed, where Ben’s all, “I’m on the bathroom floor telling you I love you… I didn’t even do this for Lauren when I told her the same thing!”
The next day, Ben goes to pick up his “customized” engagement ring at Neil Lane’s classy pop-up shop, acting like he’s already made up his mind, when Neil tries to grill him on the special girl.
Neil: So tell me about her!
Ben: Which one?
Not only does Neil Lane suck at being a therapist, but he also sucks at being a human for allowing Ben to choose a ring that looks like a high school graduation ring that you wear like never.
Ben, thinking stuff to himself: “I can’t imagine what they’re going through. It must suck to be them.” Do tell us more stuff to make America fall for you!
Proposal day arrives and for some reason that nobody understands, Jojo is more confident than ever before that Ben will be proposing to her after their god-awful date.
Unfortunately Jojo and her killer cleavage are the first out of the helicopter, and we all know what that means, but at least producers gave her the better outfit so Ben would regret every decision he’s ever made as she walks away.
Ben, who’s still playing a “Best 2 out of 3” coin toss as Jojo walks up, has a shit poker face and twists the knife by letting her completely finish her proposal to him when he starts his sentence with, “Um…” and that of course ended awesome. He rambled some BS along the lines of, “I loved our helicopter rides together. I found love with you. I found it with somebody else more. But my feelings haven’t changed for you.”
Jojo: The fugg kinda weed you smoking dude?!
Jojo books it for the car and Ben throws himself a pity party of one by saying he doesn’t deserve Jojo and this is the first time America was in full agreement with him. He then takes off his jacket and is sweating perfusely because he remembers he suddenly forgot to get a restraining order on Jojo’s brothers after the shit show that just went down.
After Ben takes a breather and sucks down a SnackPack, courtesy of mom, he calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage and acting super surprised dad gave his blessing, Ben does some embarrassing victory hop air pound by himself, and Jojo’s all, “I’m good now.”
Ben and Lauren’s conversation upon her arrival is something like this:
“You look good.”
“No yoooou look good.”
“Stahp it, no you do!”
Ben strategically thought out a well-rehearsed proposal speech that wouldn’t specify to either girl: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you. On the face. Marry me?” Lauren can’t stop laughing probs because Ben’s speech and if you wanna know what being engaged to Ben feels like, “It feels so good. Like so good.”
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Last night’s After The Final Rose was about as useful as Lauren’s airplane safety procedure skits and tbh, even those are more thrilling.
Chris Harrison is the actual idiot boy who cried wolf after promising a bunch of drama and shocking announcements and all that really happened was Ben blabbing on about this being the craziest experience ever, not regretting having semi-consensual sex with 3 people in 3 days and being so relieved his fiancee still approves of him being unsure on the day of their engagement.
Jojo first came out looking like an actual smoke show and Ben’s mom is sitting backstage patting herself on the back like “Sucks to suck Benny boy.” But really though, I spent the entire ATFR hour chugging wine and staring at Jojo’s boobs, so the bulk of their conversation was a blur, but that says something when I still didn’t miss anything.
Chris Harrison: Jojo, how have you coped from being dumped on live television?
Jojo: “Well Chris, it really helped me to watch everything back and see that Ben was a miserable load of shit after I left.”
Meanwhile Pastor Dan is in the back angrily pacing back and forth and flipping through his bible, about to hit up the strip club if this shit doesn’t escalate stat.
Jojo handles the entire thing like a champ and Ben’s all “It sucks that a piece of my life is like now gone.” Ugh, we’re so sad for you.
Chris Harrison, master of stirring the pot: “But like to some degree, you still love Jojo, right?”
Ben: Tell me Chris, how’s your love life going?
Ben quickly tucked his boner up into his waistband just in time for his new wifey to come out. Lauren is, to nobody’s surprise, wearing white lace because ABC is still pathetically trying everything they can to kill like 12 birds with one stone and not have to pay for a lavish wedding next year.
Ben and Lauren: “It’s crazy being engaged. We’re so in love. It’s just so crazy. This experience has been so crazy.”
They also reveal that one of their secret hiding places only had a bed and a couch and that they sat and stared at each other for 3 days straight, which means that Ben is like a boring potato in the sack or he just didn’t want Pastor Bill to shun him.
Chris Harrison obviously figured Caila would be taken much more seriously on Bachelor in Paradise so Jojo is the new Bachelorette yaaaaaassssassassassssss!!!
Ben, shitting himself: THAAAAA FUUUUUUCKKK!?????!!!!!
Counting down the days until May when Jojo makes Ben even more jealous on Bachelorette, but really I just can’t wait to see more of drunken Lace in the third person make out with Jorge the bartender on Bach in Paradise.
Season 20, OUT.