Monthly Archives: February 2016

The Bachelor Meets The Parents And Shit Hits The Fan – Episode 8 Recap

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Tonight on The Bachelor, Ben visited the four remaining girls’ hometowns and quickly came to realize that compared to some of these families, Olivia isn’t so batshit crazy after all, but most importantly, Ben realized that his newest form of birth control will forever be abstinence.

The episode kicks off in the REAL hood, Orange County, where we see Ben sitting on Laguna Beach’s most well known tourist trap, AKA where natives never step foot and half my high school lost their virginity. Before Ben and Amanda’s C-grade phony beach trot toward each other, the camera pans to Ben, who obvi needed some alone time to sit on a rock and gaze out into California’s finest layer of summer smog.

When it all came down to it, this date was crucial because it would either make or break Amanda and Ben since he’s about to meet her children from her previous husband whom she, along with all of America, now has no problem publicly shitting all over. Amanda starts off by giving Ben a little insight into her daughters and their hobbies before the happy family of four hits the beach.
Amanda: “My kids are just like me; they love the chase. I mean, they love when guys chase them. I mean, they love playing tag.”

Her oldest daughter genuinely seemed to like Ben, probs cause producers bribed her with candy or a Furby or whatever. Meanwhile, Ben’s relationship with the youngest daughter goes to shit before it even begins. “Can I have a high five?”
Youngest: No.
Ben: “What abou-”
Youngest: No.

The car ride home was most likely the breaking point as America began to double up on their birth control doses with the help of shrieking cries either coming from Amanda’s daughter or from Ben… hard to say at this point.

We get to Amanda’s house where the daughters, who had previously conspired together to break Ben and Amanda up, had it with the camera time and were ready for bed. Ben followed Amanda upstairs to assist her in putting her kid to sleep, but really to just watch in horror, and we eventually see Ben stumble back down the hallway looking like he had just walked in on his parents boning.

Amanda’s dad was quick to notice his unmistakable deer-in-the-headlights facial expression and Mom also wasn’t having it: “This whole process is fucked up but like I’m sick of babysitting.”

Ben’s date with Amanda’s kids came to an end and Amanda confessed her love for Ben to the cameras, and also threw in that if she was dumped by him, she’d be devastated, which is technically producers’ way of saying, “Yo Bach nation, get the tissues ready.”

Meanwhile, the buldge in Ben’s short-shorts has completely dissipated and he leaves, also kicking himself for all those times in college he didn’t use a condom.

Lauren B.’s date couldn’t have gone any more perfect, because duh, and I’m beginning to think this is like some sort of obvious foreshadowing for what’s to come. Ben meets her in Portland, the land of the roses, even though there’s not a single rose in sight, but who cares, because there ARE food trucks in sight.

They spend the day feeding each other the fattiest foods that were probs rejected by the FDA and making out in a whiskey library, but now I know what Heaven looks like. Plus, a little liquid courage before meeting the parents never hurt NO ONE, amiright?!

Ben: Are you nervous?
Lauren: “There’s still a lot of unknown, like the whole ‘me knowing you’ thing.”

Lauren’s family, who hailed all the way from WhoVille, is talking mad shit on this whole process (who would do such a thing?) minutes before she arrives, but really though, where was this conversation before she even left?

Lauren’s sister does her best mean attempt at grilling Ben, but it comes out as adorable as a puppy attempting to run for the first time.

Sister: How do we know that this is the real thing?
Ben and his Oscar-winning sob immediately managed to avoid the entire awkward sitch and all was right in the world.

Lauren’s dad: How are you coping, you know, with sucking face with 25 girls all the time?
Ben: It’s really overwhelming, but Lauren knows how to ease the stress.

Lauren drunkenly admitted that Ben was her person, but not actually to Ben. But since we’ve all known that Lauren is the winner since like 5 years ago, the rest of the date had no drama, no shockers and no substance.

Caila’s date was like fingernails on a chalkboard, but I mean, it’s good reality TV I guess. We first see Caila who’s cracked out of her mind, running up to Ben as if she had just opened her dream sorority bid, which she probs did like yesterday.

Caila: This is the bench where I dumped my ex like 7 weeks ago for you.

She then show’s Ben around her town, and Ben’s not impressed because Warsaw and its booshie McDonald’s restaurant chain is just no comparison.
Ben: Hometown? I thought you were like a drifter or some shit.

Caila then takes Ben to a creepy toy factory where her dad works, because all potential boyfriends only dream of getting off in their girlfriend’s dad’s place of work.
Caila: All I know about you is your favorite color, so I thought we could color stuff blue.
Ben: You just get me.

Caila also admits on camera that she wants to bone Ben in her front yard, in her fake toy house, in her real house, JUST WHEREVER. Her family is not amused from the start, and obviously have never interacted with humans before because shit gets awkward from the get go.

Caila’s mom: “Ben, have you ever met Filipinos before?” As if they’re an endangered species.
She also admits that they eat with their hands.
Ben: But you do other things with your hands too, right?

Caila’s dad cracks off about the awesomeness that being Filipino is, even though he couldn’t be more white, and continues with the borderline offensive comments that we secretly all wish we could ask: “Tell me, what’s it like being famous for doing jack shit?”

Dad also asks Ben what it’s like dating his daughter as if he was genuinely interested in how in the actual fuck he puts up with her.
Ben: She’s like a Tickle-Me-Elmo with no “off switch” but after popping the first few pills, you don’t even notice it.

Caila asks her mom, who looked into her crystal ball if she thinks Ben is in love with her.
Caila’s mom: Are the cameras rolling? Then YES!

Caila, like the other two girls, didn’t end up dropping the “L” bomb, but pulled out the waterworks and somehow managed to convince her parents that this is it, and that Ben is it, and that it’s game over. Ok.

Then came Jojo’s hometown date, which couldn’t have gone any worse from the start, but it was awesome. She arrives at a random stranger’s house to a bouquet of red roses (didn’t see that one coming, ABC) and a note. Props to the writers of this show who strategically etched the note out as if it were written by Ben, because it was actually from Chad AKA Jojo’s ex boyfriend, who we’ve come to learn that he’s either a creepy-as-fuhhh-stalker-ex or that producers bribed him with a Mexican vacation to act like he gives a shit that his ex is comically attempting to find love on The Bachelor.

Jojo, who was shocked to her core, calls Chad while Ben is in the driveway, where he’s reading from a cheesy-ass soap opera script.
Chad: Since you were on this show, I now know what love is, because I haven’t seen you for so long.

After telling Chad to fuck off but also to call her when she returns home, Jojo greets Ben with mascara eye goop tears and suddenly Olivia’s breath doesn’t seem so bad.
Jojo: I wish you would’ve given me these flowers but whatever.

Ben sees zero competition with Chad, and this weirdly didn’t even phase him, so the two rush off to her home, where he’s blindsided by Jojo’s loud obnoxious family and even worse, her two weird incestual brothers who want to have sex with her more than Ben does.

One brother begins grilling the shit out of Ben, when really he has no room to talk because pretty sure he was on Eva Longoria’s short-lived dating reality show, “Ready For Love?” but whatever. Ben is literally crapping his pants, because all he can come up with is the “she’s just really great” crap he rehearsed which isn’t sitting well with the brother, who even called him out on his “coached” answers.

Brother: “I’d love to say you’re cool, but I just can’t.”
Ben: Who’s the one boning your sister? Yeah.

Things continue to spiral downward when the brother continues tag-teaming Ben with his silent hype man brother, saying he’s brainwashing their sister, when they’re in the other room forcing false accusations down Jojo’s throat: “We know he doesn’t even like you as much as you like him.” The ultimate brainwash.

Meanwhile mom can’t handle the Dallas shitstorm that’s going down in her kitchen, and with no time to search for a glass, begins deep-throating the bottle of champagne, quickly becoming America’s spirit animal. She’s also the only person on Ben’s side, but probs cause she pulled a Wedding Crashers Kitty-Cat move and seduced him when cameras weren’t rolling.

Ben brings all four girls back to the rose ceremony even though the whole “insta-dad” thing sounds about as awful as marrying into any of the other families, but reality TV is his only source of income at the moment, so really he has no other option.

All the girls aggressively admit they’d marry Ben, but have yet to pull the I love you card, and America is undoubtedly baffled (or not even phased). Ben’s toast speech went something like, “This week was by far the worst week yet, and thanks to your families, I’ve checked myself into a psychiatric ward on the weekends. Cheers.”

The episode ends when Ben dumps Amanda, and her kids are at home high-fiving each other. Amanda handles the situation so well to the point where Ben has nothing to say after meeting her kids then dumping her. Ben cries even more than Amanda and her daughters but it’s ok because next week he gets to think long and hard about it while fornicating three girls in 72 hours in the fantasy suites. YAAAAASSSSS.

Caution: The Bachelor Turns Into One Giant Sobfest: Episode 7 Recap

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Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor was a complete and utter shit show due to the fact hometown dates were right around the corner and the girls’ menstrual cycles have all synced together to produce one giant sobfest, which in turn gave America a raging headache. The girls were already on edge due to the fact that they somehow have to convince their families they found love after 2 dates, but to make matters worse, the group traveled all the way to Warsaw, Indiana, which was almost as bad as the culture shock that was Arlington, Iowa… and look how Prince Farming ended up.

Ben is weirdly obsessed with his hometown and spent a good portion of the episode driving around and boating down a river filled with cow crap, reminiscing on the simpler times when he didn’t have to deal with 20 chicks not ok with him dating 20 chicks.

Ben greeted the girls from his boat, when Caila attempted to stop it with her 90-pound frame. That’s really all that needs to be said about that. Ben drives the girls to their home for the weekend, which was nice and open space and all, but the girls couldn’t escape even if they wanted, because WARSAW.

Even more super logical decisions follow when instead of a date card for the first date, Ben gets to ask one girl out in front of all the others. BRB while the other five launch themselves off a cliff. Ben chooses Lauren, real shocker. She attempts to do some major damage control after Hurricane Leah came inches away from fucking up their beautiful reality relationship.

The two drove around Ben’s town and Lauren was thanking the gods above that Ben now lives in Denver. Meanwhile the ABC Network was celebrating with Cook’s champagne for saving a shit ton of money on dates and travel expenses this week. “Jokes on you bitches!”
Ben: This is the movie theater where I first copped a feel when I was 19.

They then stopped at Ben’s all-time FAVE place in Warsaw: The Youth Center, to visit Ben’s old coworkers who never made it out of Warsaw. And because what else do you do in Warsaw.

The fate of Ben and Lauren’s kiss is pretty much in the hands of a 10-year-old and his half-court shot, which he somehow managed to make on the first try. Good one, ABC.

Ben and Lauren got their kiss and boned on the gym floor in front of innocent Warsaw children, and the kids were all: “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.” THE FUQ, ABC?! Since ratings dramatically decreased after Olivia, Lace and Leah’s unfortunate exits, some pro basketball players came in, but thankfully they were still in production’s budget, because who are they?

Ben and Lauren ended their date mending all of Leah’s damage and Ben was all: “What was Leah smoking and where can I get some?” He apparently knows the real Lauren after two dates and she’s amazing. They celebrated their new bond at a local dive bar (remember, ABC’s budget) and moral of the story is that Ben and Lauren are adorbs and will have prettier babies than he and Olivia.

The next one-on-one went to Jojo and the two had to drive almost three hours out of Warsaw, to get to Wrigley field, because MIDDLE OF BUTTPLUG nowhere. Ben not-so-subtly gave the baseball date to Jojo and not Becca because “home runs” and virgins don’t mix. The two slipped their way into “Mr. and Mrs. Higgins” jerseys and Jojo was all, “PUMP THE FUGGIN BRAKES, BRO.”

Ben spent a large portion of the date dozing off while Jojo cried about having past trust issues, because nothing says “trust” like agreeing to come on a show where a guy dates 25 girls at once.

Ben: Why are you so scared that I’m dating 5 other women?

*For the record, I actually really like Jojo, but GIRL YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING YOURSELF INTO.

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are at home popping Pamprin and sulking in their tears, making each other more miserable by the second. Becca, trying to bring the group down was all, “Yo Lauren, I know you had a great day, but shouldn’t you feel as shitty as we do right now?”

The girls’ conversations throughout the rest of the episode went something like this: “I’m really nervous for this week. I’m so scared. I’m terrified for what’s going to happen. I’m just so nervous.”

The next date was the peak of the shit storm this week, after a group date turns into a one-on-one right in front of all the girls’ eyes. Caila, Amanda and Becca had to pretend like they’re having a blast flying a kite in the middle of a random field and rowing a boat down a swampy river. Becca made it clear this week that she gave zero fucks about Chris Soules after seeming perfectly fine when he chose to propose to Whitney, because she’s throwing an epic bitch fit over Ben right now, and I can’t decide what she needs more: A Xanax or to get laid.

After talking to each girl for 3 minutes each, Ben gives the rose to Amanda and was all, “Sorry girls, you’re on your own. If you pass the cow with the spots, you’ve gone too far.”

Caila is bawling because she thinks she’s not what Ben’s looking for, but dropped a major bomb on him last week that she’ll probs break his heart. K.

Ben and Amanda class it up on a McDonald’s date, and to make matters worse, Ben forces Amanda to actually slave away in a McDonald’s kitchen, and she’s all, “I’d rather be covered in my kids’ vom.” The date ended at a Warsaw carnival, where we learned that Ben is weirdly like the Pope of his town. Needless to say, Becca and Caila actually got the better end of the deal.

Ben then invites the twin on a one-on-one date to his parents’ home because he desperately needs someone else to validate that proposing to someone young enough to be his baby sister is WRONG.

Ben: Let me show you my bedroom, but first I need permission before I bring a girl upstairs… YO MOM.
Twin: This ain’t how we do it in Vegas.

Ben’s parents wanted to get to know Emily and she got about as deep as a California rain puddle. “I love movies. I could watch them all day. And I hate vegetables.” Not sure if the true parental win-over was twin revealing her big aspirations in life of wanting to be an NFL cheerleader, or telling them she’s always wanted to be a teen mom. UGH, now I think I need a Xanax.

The two hop back into the boat, which is just as painful to watch, as twin is naively on Cloud 9 and all Ben can think about is being tucked in by mom with warm milk and cookies after tonight.
Ben: Emily’s cool and all, but I’d rather keep her in my life as a Hakkasan club contact.

Tears were shed, equally as deep as CA rain, and Em got back to Vegas just in time for pool party season. However, I’ve gotta give her mad props for the maturity she showed AFTER it was too late.

The rose ceremony wasn’t as shocking as it was to America as it was to Becca. Ben let her go and after she called him out saying “WTF”, he made her feel so much better by admitting he pretty much decided it wasn’t her just seconds ago, while standing there looking at his selection that night. White lies are a thing for a reason, Ben.

But it’s ok because Becca’s currently rollin’ in the dough advertising clothing companies on Instagram, and we get to wait another week to watch Amanda’s kids drive Ben batshit. CAN’T. WAIT.

The Bachelor Causes Major Drams in the Bahams: Episode 6 Recap

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This week’s episode was fantastic but also couldn’t have sucked more. Besides the fact that America was already on edge and wanted to rip Chris Harrison’s testicles out for starting the “To Be Continued” bullshit early on in the season, half the girls got booted in the best ways possible, but from here on out, it’s about to be sloppy sobfest.

By now, we’ve become familiar with the predictable production enough to know that Ben was never going to take Olivia’s rose away, but hey, we’re all still here, so ABC is kinda winning. Producers caught up with Ben and were all, “Yo, sack up and keep her for one more round… if you do this for us, we’ll give you another shitty McDonald’s commercial.”

Olivia gets taken aside, thinking she’s about to get a ring, and the girls all begin talking about who tattled on her to Ben first.
Becca subtly declared who first broke the news to Ben: “Emily brought it up first!!!!”
Twin: “The fuggg bitch? How many seasons you been on?”

Ben, attempting to give a shit, asks Olivia wtf her deal is.
Olivia: “It’s just been hard to relate to these girls. They paint their nails. I like thinking. They don’t.”
Ben’s doing quick math of one more week’s paycheck in his head, and is like, “$$$$$.”

Ben’s cocktail party speech went something like this: “Thanks for being the women that you all are. Except for like 80% of you.”

Leah got a rose and Bachelor Nation let out a unanimous, “Huh?” but apparently the foreign nonverbal language between Ben and Olivia is seriously heating up and she’s probs getting off to the thought of herself getting a rose.

Jennifer got booted, but like, that’s fine. Ben then breaks it to the girls that they’re going to the Bahamas and they all shit their pants thinking about that time they misplaced their dignities in the Bahamas during Spring Break ’13.

Amanda: “This is like the most romantic place we’ve been.” But what about Vegas?

The first date card is for Caila, and she’s going deep sea fishing, you know, every girl’s dream date.
Ben: “I feel like our last date consisted of Kevin Hart and Ice Cube cock blocking me in a romantic hot tub store, and I just wasn’t able to finish.” Or something about unfinished business, but we caught your drift, Higgi.

Leah is getting more camera time than Olivia’s mouth, shockingly enough, but she starts crying about not getting noticed by Ben. TBH, if she were smart she would’ve spent the day out on the town downing overpriced Piña Coladas and no one would’ve noticed she even left.

Meanwhile, Ben and Caila look miserable while Caila stands on the edge of the boat inside a floatie attached to her fishing pole, which is probably the worst idea since creating a show about one dude dating 25 girls. But anyway, the date gets cut short when Caila gets yanked in the water by a giant squid and dies. JK.

Ben: “Caila is cool and all but sometimes she’s like a cheerleader on crack having an orgasm at Disneyland, and I need her to calm the eff down.”

Caila, with a huge smile on her face: “I feel like I love you, but I’m probs gonna break your heart.”
Ben: “Cool. Um, what?”
Caila: “Actually JK, this is the real deal.”
Ben: ***PHEW, I totally get her now.

The group date is an actual shit show probs ’cause Ben takes the girls to a deserted island to swim with wild pigs and feed them hot dogs, because ABC couldn’t afford a swimming with dolphins package.

Becca flailing a raw weiner in the air is like, “How do I maneuver this?”

Ben: “This is SOOO fun, the girls are having a blast.”
Girls: Fuck this shit.

The twin and Olivia are on heavy watch back at the hotel when twin has the nerve to call her sister again: “Guess where I am, bitch!?”
Twin: “IDC just don’t come home. Mom already turned your room into a gym.”

Leah is still crying on the pig date, and Ben successfully breaks the ice: “Do you like pigs?”

Leah made her memorable entrance and exit into Season 20 of The Bachelor during the cocktail party after she bitched about Ben not making an effort to get to know her, so naturally, she used all her time to trash talk Lauren B., making Olivia seem semi-tolerable for a hot sec.

Producers: “Can you randomly become the bitch, we’ll let you stay an extra day after you get booted this week.”

After the rose ceremony, Leah and her eyebrows try to sabotage Lauren B. once again by sneaking off into Ben’s hotel room, and all of America is ready with popcorn.
Ben: “The more Leah talks, the more I hate her.”

Leah: “I just feel like it’s SO right between us.”
Ben: “Go home, Linda.”

Leah: “He’s so confusing.” But actually he’s not.

The 2-on-1 date begins and Olivia’s head is up her own ass again and we get to endure the awkward car ride between the two who are chained down so they can’t rip each others’ weaves out before the date.
Liv: “Come at me bro.”

Ben takes them to a secluded island where the loser could be left to rot and nobody would know. Olivia talks out of her ass about the ongoing nonverbal love connection that Ben has been unaware of since day one. Since she has nothing more in common with him, her only possible way of staying one more episode is pulling out the love card.

Olivia: He pretty much just proposed to me.
Ben: “The boat is that way.”

Unfortunately Olivia’s cankles exceeded the boat’s weight capacity (again, SHE SAID IT, not me), so she watched Ben and twin sail off into the storm, and she and the pigs lived happily ever after.

Lauren H. ends up being the only one eliminated during the last rose ceremony, but at least she has Spanish modeling to fall back on. The episode ends with Ben standing on the edge of a cliff during a hurricane: “What if all this is for nothing?” If that’s the case, do us all a solid and plz tell us now. And don’t jump.

The Bachelor and his Bitches Take On Mexico: Episode 5 Recap

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Tonight on The Bachelor, Ben and his band of betches (I’m only jealous because I COULD’VE BEEN ONE OF THEM) booked it all the way down to Me-hi-co, because after last week’s episode of traveling to Vegas, the producers were all, “We need somewhere where the girls could really concentrate on being here for the right reasons and not for the drunken vaca.” And because we all know that really solid, lifelong decisions generally occur in Mexico.

By now, half of the girls, like Jennifer and Leah, are realizing that they can stealthily get by without anyone knowing who they are while snagging a free vacation out of this (smart bitches). The other half, like Olivia, her mouth and her cankles (she said it, NOT ME), would rather be hated by all of America than cut her Mexican vacation short.

Meanwhile the other twin who didn’t have photos of her ex at prom still hanging in her room is still putting her sister down. “Now that my side-piece sister’s not here, there’s nothing holding me back.” I mean, ouch. At least other twin is probs making bank as a Vegas escort.

The very first solo date went out to Amanda, and the date card conveniently wrote, “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket.” Ironically enough, Amanda DID put her actual eggs into one man’s basket, and now she’s on The Bachelor. Choose your date card quotes more wisely, Chris Harrison.

Olivia, wearing a cross around her neck, is judging the shit out of Amanda, calling her a Teen Mom, and thinks she knows Ben, like SO well. “I just don’t think he wants kids. We’d probs have the cutest babies, though.”

Ben kicked off his date with Amanda at 4:20 a.m., when every girl is at their prime of either covered in zit cream or covered in Taco Bell wrappers.
Ben: “I have no clue how she’s gonna react, but that’s half the fun.” If someone woke me up with a bright shining camera in my face at 4 a.m., I would most def book a flight home. But hey, nothing says quality bonding time like seeing your potential Cinderella rocking a slobbery Invisalign, an old fraternity dodgeball 2013 tee and the scent of Olivia’s dragon breath… but of course Amanda awakens from her esthetician slumber looking like actual Cinderella. #SheDidNotWakeUpLikeThis

Ben and Amanda’s date is a little cliche but mostly envied around ‘Merica, however, a hot air balloon ride around Mexico City ensures that homegirl can’t escape unless she plummets to her death, so there’s that.
The hot air balloon/random-picnic-in-a-field convo goes exactly as follows: “This is so crazy. This is amazing. The view is amazing. This is seriously so crazy.”

Amanda gets all sappy and opens up about her divorce and two kids, but hey, as a fellow Orange County native, I genuinely do feel for her and her really awesomely rose-winning sob story.

Next comes the group date and you could literally see the steam coming out of Olivia’s head when she got called in the group, leaving Lauren H. to get the other solo date. “I’m happy for Lauren H. and all, but I’m still plotting her death while she goes on her one-on-one.”

Vegas twin kicks off the group date with some epic white girl Spanish: “COMO SAY DEESAY.” The infatuation that Ben has with school and high school and sitting in a classroom is weird and probs comes from watching too much school-girl porn, but to each their own.

Jubilee calls out Ben’s ass HARDCORE as he tells every girl including her in Spanish that he is falling in love with them. “You said that to the last four girls.” I mean, homegirl’s got a point.

After school, the girls go on a cooking date, where SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH, Olivia snags Ben as his partner, but TBH, a cooking lesson followed by a Spanish lesson just screams, “I need a bish who can slay in the kitchen while I sit on my pretty ass and watch reruns of this episode, but also talk dirty Spanish to me after dinner.” Way to NOT be subtle, Ben. GOALS.

Jubilee is sitting in the corner pouting her ass off after losing to Olivia to become Ben’s cooking bitch, but somehow manages to make a meal worthy of being put in the restaurant.

Olivia, goddess of cooking, fed Ben crickets and Ben now regrets every decision he ever made in life. Ben then suggests they go try some fresh mint plants, probs because Olivia’s breath now smells like insects, or dragons or whatever.

One of the girls: “Ben’s like really good with the bread and cheese.” K, so what you’re saying is that he has the cooking capabilities of an 8-year-old chef. On second thought, a grilled cheese sounds amaze.

Jojo: “Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it.” YEAH, I BET HE DID.

Jubilee questions whether Ben even notices her existence. Pretty sure everyone knows you exist, Jubes. Then Ben takes Jubes aside when she pretty much swipes his hand away as he tries to hold hers, so that the other girls don’t get jealous. Girl, you’ve been on this show long enough to know by now that it’s every betch for herself. Jubie then tells Ben she feels overshadowed, and that’s probably because she is, “by all the Lauren B.’s and all the Becca’s.”
Ben: “Are you saying 15 other girls dating me is difficult for you?”
DUH.

Jubilee: “JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.”
Ben: NO.

Jubilee is sent home on the spot. The depression confession on the way home was the usual: “I feel so unloved.” Ten bucks says you don’t even know his middle name.
Producers: “Hey Ben, can you just sit down on the steps by yourself and mope like you give a crap?”

The rest of the party goes on and Jojo pulled an Olivia and swoops, but shockingly enough Ben still gave the rose to Olivia.
“I can’t believe Olivia just got a rose.” -All the other girls
“I def can.” -All of America

Ben then has another solo date with Lauren H. during Mexico City Fashion Week. Not much went down during this date except that Lauren walked her first fashion show looking like she had a giant shit in her pants (as would I) and Ben walked out looking like Zoolander had just stumbled out of a West Hollywood bar, but he’s never looked more attractive apparently.

The remainder of the date was literally like every other date, the girl pulls out the sob story and a rose magically appears, but props to Lauren for the perfect sob story: Fuckboy cheats on her with 3 girls, one being her friend, then she magically found strength on her birthday. Ok.

Then comes the cocktail party where Jojo openly admits that she’s only known Ben for a few weeks but she’s like in love with him, especially after he gave Olivia the rose over her.

Ben’s one-on-one time with Lauren B. went how it normally does where she once again steps over the line. “I can see a FULL LIFE WITH YOU. Like a LIFE LIFE. Which is terrifying.”
Ben probably agreed, tbh.

Then the drams FINALLY kicks in, which we’ve all been waiting for since last Monday. Olivia tells Amanda she feels like she’s in an episode of Teen Mom, and we suddenly get flashbacks of the mall watering hole scene in Mean Girls. The claws come out, and so do Olivia’s tears.
“I’m really gonna try harder to be nice,” but meanwhile in her confessional, she pretty much has sex with her rose and doesn’t give a flying FUH about the other girls.

Olivia then gives Ben a lame 25-cent vending machine ring to solidify all the fake-ness that’s occurring and he’s all, “What would Neil Lane do?”

Everyone is finally putting their big-girl-period-panties on and plotting against Olivia. The twin has Amanda’s back more than her own twin’s back, but in tears, has the balls to give her twin, who’s living it up at the Cosmo, a phone call to bitch about Liv.
Other twin: “Bish you fucked me over, deal with it.”

Chris Harrison then manages to piss off all of America with just three simple words:
TO BE CONTINUED…

Until next week.