Monthly Archives: May 2014

Decoding 21st Century Text-Ships (And Why They Seriously Suck)

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OK, so I lied. For those of you who have read my past blogs, in which I’ve stated that I will never talk about dating again, I was wrong, and I apologize. But when it’s necessary, it’s necessary. Trust me.

As a 20-something young woman living in the 21st century, dating is tough. Our relationships are solely based on if a guy likes our Instagram pictures, texts us with a kiss emoji or subtweets a sappy-ass love quote… then it’s official! Ugh, gag. I’d say I hate the way we young folks date, (and wish I lived in a time where a guy has to find your phone number via a large yellow manual and actually communicate with their vocal cords), but I truly don’t know otherwise. And since means of communication are only going to get more advanced and far less personal, I’ve decided it’s time to help a sista out and decode what guys’ true values are when it comes to text-ships.

For the oldies (sorry, Mom and Dad) who don’t know the true meaning of a text-ship, I’ll Urban Dictionary this nonsense for you:

Text-ship (n.)
A blossoming relationship over text messages. Not yet a full blown relationship but heading in that direction.

There you have it. Text-ships are the backbone of relationships nowadays. If you’re not texting each other what you’re doing, who you’re with or what you’re thinking about (while adding emojis), you’re not a true couple. That’s all there is to it and it ain’t going back to the old-fashioned way any time soon! So it’s time to unleash my inner Carrie Bradshaw (which is seriously exploding with so many questions of uncertainty right now), and reveal what guys are really looking for in a text-ship. Here goes!

Ladies, I know you’re all with me on this one. What the hell is proper texting ettiquete when texting a potential S.O. (for those newbs, like Mom and Dad, S.O. is short for ‘significant other’)?

After coming out of multiple failed relationships, there is an undocumented list of things that society frowns upon when it comes to girls and text-ship ettiquete (in which I’ve vowed never to do again… until now):
-Don’t text back too fast, or you’ll come off needy.
-Don’t text an entire novel, or you’ll come off needy.
-Don’t be the first to initiate a conversation, or you’ll come off needy.
-Don’t be the first person to ask to hang out, or you’ll come off needy.

…to name only a few.

Where we learned not to do this is beyond me. We are biologically brain-washed to believe that a guy literally has to get on his knees and kiss the ground we walk on before we can give in because WE ARE THE INDEPENDENT WOMEN OF THE CENTURY. Um, no. That’s where society is wrong. I’m pretty sick of playing the game. Yes, I’m only 23 years old, but I’m over it. Why can’t we all just be straight forward with each other? If I like a guy and I sense that he generally feels the same way, I’m going to ask him to hang out. What do I have to lose? Why is that SO frowned upon?

So I decided to do some hefty research and actually ask real guys what their thoughts were on the matter. I tried asking my guy friends who were in relationships, single or simply “playin’ the game.” What I got was a good amount of insight, and an even bigger reality check. Here are the questions I asked and the answers I received:

When you first get a girl’s number, and you guys start texting, do you like it when:
-She texts you back fast?

Guy 1: I like when she texts me back fast. If she takes an hour to text back and decides to continue a conversation and continues to do that I will stop texting her.
Guy 2: It doesn’t matter how fast a girl texts back. Life comes first.
Guy 3: Sometimes yes and sometimes no, it depends on the content.

-She texts you in great detail?
Guy 1: I like a girl that can keep a conversation going, so one word answers aren’t going to keep me interested.
Guy 2: Detail just depends on what the topic is.
Guy 3: Only if I ask for great detail (i.e. want to know more about her).

-She is open from the start?
Guy 1: Being open from the start is fine, but I don’t mind if she plays her game and tries to hold some cards close to her chest.
Guy 2: Being open is crucial. It’s too hard to always think of a response to a text when the girl gives you nothing to work with. It also gives the idea that they’re just not that interested.
Guy 3: On certain things, yes. I wouldn’t want her to tell me her whole life story just yet.

When your conversation stops (Say you both say goodnight), and she texts you first the next day, are you turned off that she texted you first to start a conversation (seeming needy)?
Guy 1: I think more girls should take the initiative and text first in the morning. If I’m interested in her, waking up to a text from her is going to put a smile on my face.
Guy 2: It doesn’t really matter who texts first in the morning, more of how quick you’re expecting a response. Once again, life comes first.
Guy 3: No, it’s nice to wake up to a “good morning” text.

How soon after you’re in a text-ship do you think it’s appropriate to ask to hang out?
Guy 1: If I’m in a text-ship with someone, then we are going to hang out within the week of us texting.
Guy 2: Depending on how long the “text-ship” has been going on for, it’s pretty easy to figure out when the right time is.
Guy 3: About one or two weeks.

Is it weird if a girl asks you to hang out when you’re in a text-ship?
Guy 1: I usually ask the girl to hang out, but if she asks me and I’m interested, then that doesn’t turn me off at all.
Guy 2: It’s not weird at all if a girl asks first, it’s 2014 for Christ’s sake! The old school mentality that the guy has to initiate everything first is just archaic.
Guy 3: I don’t think its weird at all if a girl asks first!

Do guys want the chase as much as girls? (Ex: If he asks to hang out, gets her to, maybe they kiss, will he be over it)?
Guy 1: We always love a chase, that’s just human nature. As soon as someone feels like they can have you anytime, the chase becomes over and either you are both at a point where you don’t need the chase anymore, or one of you is further along, and the game is over and people move on. Some men chase until sex but I wouldn’t say any man chases just to get a kiss and then they are done.
Guy 2: As far as the chase goes, I think all of that is just the movies affecting how people go about relationships. If you like someone and it appears that they like you, just be straight forward about it. It will save a lot of time and stress trying to decode the subtleties of texts.
Guy 3: To certain extent, yes, but not so much as girls, I would think. If he likes the girl, he’s not going to be over it. As far as conversation goes, I like when a girl pursues me and wants to talk to me.

If a girl you really liked played hard to get a lot, would that turn you off or make you want to keep pursuing her?
Guy 1: You can play hard to get, but after a while it gets to a point where I’d much rather skip the games, but I know that will never happen so just don’t play too hard to get to a point where it seems like you aren’t into that person. Also, don’t be too easy because it makes us feel like you are too easy in general.
Guy 2: It’s not that hard to figure out if a girls into you or not. And if she can only text a couple times of day because she is busy, understand that! (That works both ways) I know a lot of guys who love the girl who just worships the ground they walk on and wants them to text them every 10 minutes but those are the guys that are just super insecure and don’t like an independent girl.
Guy 3: I am turned off by girls playing hard to get. It’s just annoying and confusing. The guy and the girl should initiate interaction equally, that way they both feel wanted.

The verdict:

Yes, I know it depends on the guy, as well as the attraction level between the couple, but if a guy likes you, the games won’t matter. Trust me, I’ve tried attempting the “Independent Woman” status, that I don’t need a man to make me happy and that I can do this all on my own. Deep down, I know I can. And most of the time, guys get that. What makes us strong independent women is going after what we want and what we believe in. You heard it from the guys, ladies: They will think we’re just as “independent” and know what we want when WE take the initiative once in a while! So don’t be afraid: What do you have to lose?
On the contrary, I’ve been that girl that pours her heart out, goes the extra mile and tries so hard to make a relationship work. But what I’ve gained from my experiences, as well as these interviews, is confidence. We simply have to be smart about who we give ourselves to.

If a guy isn’t giving you the time of day, take your independence and confidence that you have hidden deep down inside of you, hike up your big-girl panties and screw him (not literally, unless that’s your tactic)! There will be that one person that sweeps you off your feet and makes all those times you wore your heart in bright red on your sleeve so beyond worth it!

My moral of the story is to quit the game playing. Be you. Be confrontational. Be fearless. Open your heart up. Communicate. Because you only have this chance. Today. Right now. What do you have to lose?