As the year 2013 is coming to an end, I’ve really started reflecting back on everything I have gone through this year. To say 2013 was a crazy year would be an understatement. As you can tell from my past blogs, this hasn’t exactly been the easiest year for me. But to be honest, I wouldn’t change one God damn thing.
This post isn’t going to be about me listing everything I’ve been through this year. In fact, this post is much different from any blog post I have written. As many of you know, I went through the worst possible break-up I could have ever imagined earlier this year. Yes, I’m sure it could have been far worse, but being broken up with on top of moving to a new city alone was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Curse you, timing…
First off, writing has always been my escape. With writing, I feel as though I can spill my deepest thoughts into a sacred journal where nobody can judge what I’m thinking. Writing has truly become my passion. The first couple days after my breakup, my mother told me to write a note to “him” telling him how bad he had hurt me, but he would never see this note. After I sent it to her, she was speechless. “WOW. JUST WOW.” was the text message I received back from her. Writing this note was the therapy I needed. I didn’t even need to think when I wrote it. I just let my inner-most thoughts bleed onto the paper. After I finished, I reread what I had just written and felt so empowered. That said, with a brand new year quickly creeping up on the horizon, I feel it is finally time to rid myself of the immense distaste I have toward the man who broke my heart, not by writing a hatred note to him, but by writing a “Thank You” note to him. So here goes…
To the man who broke my heart,
It has been almost 7 months since the day you showed up at my house and told me it was over. For months, I went over every single fight, tear shed and moment of upset throughout our relationship thinking “what if” I had done this differently? Would he still be with me now? Now, I realize I wouldn’t have done one thing differently. It is because of you that I know how to love. As humans, our emotions can both tear us down and lift us up. You sent me through a wave of feelings I didn’t even know I had. Thank you for bringing out every single raw emotion in me because now I know that when I love, I give all of me. I don’t hold back any part of me. And I love that about myself. And thank you for stepping out of the way, so that some day, someone so very special will love that about me as well.
After this breakup, I was lost. I thought I lost all of myself. I was in a very dark place. I always knew I had the greatest support system in the world, but my friends and family brought me back to life. I can’t thank you enough for showing me what amazing people I have in my life and to never take the people who care about me for granted. It is because of you that I will always put the ones who care about me first.
Being in this relationship has also taught me something else that I truly love about myself. When I want something, I will do whatever it takes to get it. I do not give up. I chased you for over a year and never once gave up. Although I never once had you, I still continue to stand. I truly do want to thank you for bringing out a strength in me I never knew I had and for making me go the distance and pushing me to my limits for the person I loved more than anything. However, they say you never have to chase what wants to stay. So thank you for making me realize that I should never chase somebody who doesn’t want to be with me because I am worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. There will be somebody someday who I will never have to chase.
When I received a phone call from my boss telling me I got my first “big girl” job, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. It was only about two weeks after the breakup, so this amazing news came to me at the perfect time. However, I was heartbroken. You were the first person I wanted to tell. I depended on you to make me feel good about myself and to lift me up. But now because of you, I have learned how to find that happiness within myself. I have learned how to become independent and to find peace with my solitude. Moving to one of the biggest cities in the country is scary enough. But living by myself was horrifying. Now there are times when I stop and think to myself, “I am so happy with my life right now.” So thank you so much for freeing me of these imaginary chains I had put on and forcing me to be content with myself. I now look forward to my “me time.” I am not afraid to be alone, because being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.
I have heard many people say, “You can’t love somebody until you learn to love yourself.” Now I firmly believe that. So, last but certainly most important, thank you for showing me how to love myself. Thank you for making me realize how important it is to respect myself and all I have to offer. The qualities I possess are qualities that you have so willingly given up, and again, thank you for stepping aside and letting so many other people realize that. I truly love the person I have become, inside and out. Thank you for letting so many new beautiful people come into my life and stay because they want to stay.
It is because of you, I have LIVED this year. I have gone through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have felt every emotion. I have given my heart fully in exchange for nothing in return, and I still stand with strength and pride. I am truly happy…
But to end this note, I want to thank you for making me realize, just now, after writing to you and rereading this over and over again, that it wasn’t you who got me through this year. It was me. It was my strength. It was my heart. It was my bravery. It was all me.