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The Bachelor Season 21 Premiere: Fourth Time’s a Charm?

Nick Viall is back on the saddle for what America can only hope is his last attempt at finding love on national television after being canned like 12 other times… but for real, I was actually starting to miss spending every week with him for the past two years.

The night many have been waiting for for the sole purpose of having an excuse to drink wine on a Monday again has finally arrived. Honestly though, I don’t even feel that bad for Nick because if he doesn’t come out of this with a girl on his fourth attempt at conquering a reality television love, he’ll prob be able to submit himself into the Guinness Book of World Records… or just rehab.

Nick is screwed from the get-go when his so-called ‘pals’ from the previous seasons of The Bachelor literally shit all over him directly to his face. After pretty much admitting he has no hope, Chris Soules: Super Successful Bachelor Enthusiast, gifts Nick with a “Bachelor” survival kit courtesy of Target’s travel toiletries section. Ben Higgins tells Nick in preacher-tone that Nick isn’t as shady as he used to be, but still kinda a d-bag, because he’s clearly the center of all reason, considering the monstrosity of a show that is Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever Whatever.

Nick’s intro is filmed mostly shirtless in Chicago and in the shower, and I can’t decide if I’m more concerned that he’s incapable of saying the word “BASSHHHELOR” or that Jillian’s black censor box was bigger than his…

But the whole reason why we’re here is to watch 30 of America’s most eligible bachelorettes make us feel like we’re at least slightly normal while they attempt to make only themselves believe that Nick is the SOLE reason why they’re here… because every girl dreams of marrying a 3-time reality TV rejectee.

So here are the eight profiled women, not in order of Can-I-Just-Die-Now:

Rachel (Civil Defense Litigator and only one of age to rent a car): She gets the first impression rose so she’s safe for at least half the season. But the bummer about seemingly normal girls on The Bachelor is that they automatically get tossed into the ‘K so what the hell is wrong with you?’ category. In due time…

Vanessa (Special-ed teacher/actual angel): Is every man’s fantasy for multiple reasons: She speaks like 15 languages and also rocks the shit out of that Spiderman dress she wore.

Corinne (Owner of platinum vajine & actual in-house slave): Quickly claims her throne as this season’s Regina George when she Veruca Salt’s daddy into giving her his multi-million dollar company. She’s more oblivious than a cucumber and also apparently isn’t capable of cutting one herself. Just no.

Raven (By far the best dressed in Arkansas): May have needed subtitles to comprehend, but she lives by family, faith and football and making America great again.

Danielle L. (Probably another business owner): I literally remember nothing about her except that she brought her A-game, her D-cups and could SLAY in a Pantene commercial.

Danielle M. (Neonatal nurse from Nashville): Cute but far too normal and boring for Bachelor standards. Better luck with Prince Farming.

Alexis (Marine life challenged, grade-A nut job): My favorite act of the night by far, but mostly because of Katy Perry’s Left Shark with heels pairing. This also undoubtedly earns her at least a few more weeks, and the fact that she got blackout wasted and actually got in the pool AND got a rose makes her an all-around MVP.

Liz (ghost from Nick’s fuckboy past): In case it wasn’t clear, Liz had sex with Nick. Liz rejected Nick when he asked her for the pity phone number after said bone sesh. Liz thinks she has an easy ‘in’ because Nick might remember her. Nick whips out reverse fuckboy psychology on Liz saying she could’ve reached out if she were actually interested. Liz will still become Instagram famous after she’s canned next week.

“Nick doesn’t remember me, but I’m totally ok with it because MYSTERY.”
-A really sad untrue quote.

Animals seemed to be a popular choice last night when one girl rode in on a camel. The entire house seemed envious of the entrance, but it wasn’t until sweet Lacey opened her mouth, and everything went south. “I heard you like a good hump.” In her defense, it’s probably not entirely false.

A few other noteworthy mentions go out to Josephine, who presented Nick with a raw uncooked hot dog inside a book, and word-vomitted the line, “You’re a weiner in my book.” To make matters worse, she also made a straight man deep-throat dick-shaped food on national television.

Jamie used her septum nose ring as a prop to kick off her line, “I’ve got balls, just like you!” which immediately confused all of America because she may actually have a pair of testicles.

Another contestant was a mental health professional who put her heard-earned degree to good use by looking for love on the one show guaranteed to make every woman develop some type of mental illness over time.

Taylor relayed the message to Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit, and Lauren attempted to win his heart over by saying that his last name was atrocious, but that it’s totally ok because together their two last names, Viall and Hussy, formed a ‘disgusting slut.’

The rose ceremony couldn’t have been more uneventful and predictable. Corinne and her sexual aggression went in for the awkward makeout, sending her farther down the shit list. The entire rose ceremony consisted of Liz regretting giving Nick a mediocre handy 9 months ago, and Kristina, who nobody cares about, crying because she somehow became so invested in Nick within 2 hours and probably won’t get a rose.

But shocker, she did which means RIP next week, Kris.

The Bachelorette REALLY, LIKE REALLY Wants To Meet Aaron Rodgers – Episode 7 Recap

Does anyone else think hometown dates are the absolute most boring week of the entire Bachelor franchise since Jojo’s mom set the bar real high with her wine bottle guzzling stint? Because this week, Jojo met all 4 of her guys’ families that looked exactly alike and said the exact same things each time.

I really don’t even need to recap all four dates, because I could sum up each one of the guys’ hometown visits in like four lines:
Jojo: I’m so excited, but so nervous.
GUY: Don’t worry, they’ll probably love you, you know, like I do.
*Jojo gets obliterated with all four moms*
Jojo to all moms: I have these red flags about your son, but what do you think?
Moms: When my son says he loves someone, it’s not just for the fame.
Jojo: I feel so much better now!

But I’m not going to stop there, because I’m really passionate about this show, and I whole-heartedly believe in true reality love ending up in sponsored Instagram post careers. #GOALS.

First up was Chase’s date, which should not have gone first, because it literally brought all of Americas’ moods to shit. There was obviously a whole mess of unfinished family crap dad and Chase didn’t have time to resolve prior to the show, but producers were all, ‘YASSS RATINGS.’

Chase brings Jojo to his own house which was most likely a vacant model home used in Colorado’s finest real estate market, and clearly unfinished because where are the stair railings…?

Chase’s dad comes over and in the most awkward encounter ever, the two blatantly disregard the fact that this is THE BACHELORETTE and NOT DR. PHIL, when Chase questions dad why his parents’ marriage failed when he was 8 years old, because where else than on reality television will you ever get good solid answers?

Chase’s dad said more words in his 3 minutes of camera time than Chase has the past 6 weeks, but that’s ok because his mom had a lot of solid things to say about Jojo:
Mom: “Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.” – things that are important when looking for ‘The One.’

Chase breaks down crying in front of his mom, when she’s all, “Sack up. Crying is not our style.” Clearly we don’t need Dr. Phil to find the root of Chase’ inability to open up now…

Next is Jordan’s hometown date in either Chico or Chino, I can’t remember, but they’re both places nobody from California ever wants to live.

Jordan takes Jojo to his high school, because it’s evident those were his ‘glory days’. His coaches still miraculously know who he is, but only because ABC paid them to stick his photos on their wall, to cover up the protege that is his NFL brother.

Jordan: You’re like the first girl I’ve brought home.
All of America:

Kristen Bell BULLSHIT gif Imgur

Jojo: K so your brother Aaron won’t be here right?
JOJO LET IT GO. YOU DON’T GET TO MEET AARON AND YOU DON’T GET TO BE OLIVIA MUNN’S BEST FRIEND.

Jojo tries to pry the fabricated Aaron drama out of Jordan’s non-famous brother Luke, and it obviously goes nowhere. The whole family has some weird thing against Aaron Rogers, so WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

Jordan’s mom is getting all Grandmother Willow and super down for this whole ‘let’s make another son famous’ scheme, and is all “THIS IS YOUR DESTINY. THIIIISSS IS YOUR JOURNEY.”

Nothing changes at the end of Jojo’s hometown with Jordan, beacuse she’s just as insecure as she was with him on night one, but it’s nothing that an “I love you” can’t fix, right?

Shit hits the fan on Robby’s date, when all of America let out a unanimous “THE FUCK?” when Jojo revealed she has the best emotional connection with Robby? Hmm, she must be blinded by his white pants.

Jojo and Robby arrive at his house with a whole entire Santa’s sleigh full of shitty Hallmark gifts. Jojo gets wasted with Robby’s mom and grills her on his past relationship with his girlfriend OF 4 YEARS THAT ENDED 3 MONTHS AGO.

I’m no math whiz, but the show lasts a total of 8 weeks, which comes out to 2 months, which if they broke up 3 months ago, Robby was single for ONE MONTH, which comes out to one pathetic loser with too much hair gel.

Jojo confronts Robby about it, and he tries to play the victim by adding in ‘we broke up and then she slapped me.’ BIG WHOOP ROBBY, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DUMP SOMEONE TO GET LAID ON NATIONAL TV.

Producers plan the same boring horse date for Luke, probably because riding a horse is the only thing he knows how to converse over. The only interaction Luke has ever brought to the table is a solid game of tonsil hockey.

Luke continues to tell Jojo he has all these surprises for her probably because producers have yet to tell him what they’re actually doing.
Jojo is shocked, but more like a ‘Christmas morning bowling ball gift’ kinda shock to see that Luke invited the whole fucking town of Texas to their date.

Luke: “In this town, we’re all family. Y’all.”

Luke takes all the credit for producer’s intricate heart-shaped flower garden, and they make out and ride off into the sunset. But seeing that Luke probably won’t break Jojo’s heart, she doesn’t see the excitement.

The rose ceremony was held in a random airplane hangar, probably the one that they’re about to fly out of to the next destination. Producers promised Luke he’d be in the running for the next Bachelor if he embarrassed himself by pulling Jojo aside and telling her he loves her.

Tears. Fake “I love you’s. EPIC cliff hanger. Awesome.

The Bachelorette Does Questionable Things With a Horse – Episode 7 Recap

Last night on The Bachelorette, we were promised that this week was going to be “HUGE” by Jojo, when really, the outcome was obvious two weeks ago after she handed out two pity roses to both Lord Farquad and Shrek the friendly giant, only to cut them both this week. GASP.

Chris Harrison starts off by blabbing some BS that I didn’t really listen to about Jojo having a really hard time choosing who’s going to meet her family… maybe because she’s dating like 6 guys.

Chris: “Jojo’s so torn between which guys her brothers won’t want to go straight OJ Simpson on next weekend, so bear with her, but you’d probs be better off getting the fuck outta here.”

Alex gets the one-on-one date of this week, because the producers are sick of hearing him constantly bitching, and it was evident he was getting the boot right off the bat after he stuck Pringles in his mouth, acting like a fucking duck. #FriendZone

He then tries some freestyle rap about him and Jojo hitting up a liquor store, or a “Lick-Oh Sto”. They arrive at some ranch where the gauchos actually laugh in his face, probs because he’s lacking like 3 feet. Alex and Jojo change into gaucho-inspired clothing, but instead Alex steps out looking like the wicked witch’s munchkin.

The rest of the guys, along with the hotel slippers Robby jacked, take a summer camp bus to their next hotel, where they also sing idiot raps about Alex, which is actually kinda funny. I wonder if they all think about the fact that they’ve all felt up the same girl…

Jojo: “I’m so glad I had this one-on-one date with Alex, because it reassured me that we have absolutely nothing in common, except our height.”

Meanwhile, PETA is shitting their pants after the real gaucho practically performs a live sex show with the horse. The poor horse is pinned to the ground when Alex and Jojo lay on top of it and start making out.

Alex: Yo soy tu goocho.
Jojo: I’m not going anywhere near your fucking goocho.

But really though, gaucho man has more chemistry with the horse than Alex and Jojo.

During dinner, Alex, who’s never even had a solo date with Jojo, pulls the “I love you” card because obvi he’s in the shitter at this point.

Alex: I’m falling in love with you.
Jojo: I’m good, thanks.

Alex doesn’t even look her in the eyes after saying goodbye, but tbh Jojo gives zero fucks.

Jordan gets the next one-on-one date, so we can watch them bone against a wall the entire time. They go to a vineyard, where they squish a bucket of grapes with their bare feet, skipping like 12 steps and 4 years in the fermentation process, and eventually ‘cheers’ over a glass of squashed grape juice mixed with sweaty sock residue.

After going to second base in a random jacuzzi, Jojo and Jordan talk about who she would meet if she were to go home to his family.

Jordan: You’ll meet my older brother Luke, and my mom, and my da-
Jojo: K, but like what about your rich NFL brother?

Jordan talks mad shit on Aaron Rogers on live television, saying that he doesn’t get along with the family, also leaving no subtlety in the ‘jealousy’ department.

“I could’ve kept playing, but I felt like football didn’t define me” – says every guy ever who gets sacked from the NFL.

Something’s telling me it was Jordan who fucked their relationship up.

Jordan also pulls the love card at dinner, and Jojo wets her pants on the spot.

Three guys get a group date with a rose on the date, so James Taylor, Chase and Robby meet in Jojo’s hotel to eat junk food and play truth or dare because ABC was probs sued for the disturbing horse-fucking date.

James Taylor tries to amp up his sex appeal by deep-throating a plateful of fries, only it backfires when he projectile voms all over the bathroom.

The slumber party-turned massage party quickly escalates to three dudes and Jojo laying on a bed together. Sick.

James Taylor tries the whole ‘get ahead by throwing everyone else down’ act by saying that Robby looked at another girl the other day, which probs means that James Taylor masturbates to his mother.

JUST BECAUSE HE’S ON THE JOJO DIET, DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN’T LOOK AT THE BRAZILIAN MENU, JAMES TAYLOR. LET HIM LIVE.

Robby reassures Jojo that he’s actually a shady fuck and that he’ll probably cheat on her because he promised his ex half his paycheck.

James: Why aren’t you attracted to me?
Jojo: I’m just not into guys that could potentially love me forever and not cheat on me.

To nobody’s surprise, Jojo gives Robby the rose, because he reassured her that he’s totally in this by saying, “I’m totally in this.”

I honestly think I fell asleep during Jojo’s one-on-one date with Luke, but it had something to do with horses and shooting things. They probably made out and she was also reassured by him with some sappy BS.

During the rose ceremony, Jojo tries to ease the tension, claiming that she totes remembers this ceremony when she was fighting for Ben’s heart.

Jojo: I remember this day because it was the day before my brothers fucked this whole thing up for me. Good luck.

America was TOTALLY speechless when Jojo dropped the two people we NEVER EVEN SAW COMING. We’ve officially learned that Jojo’s type is tight pants with a questionable career choice and a side of douche bag.

Best of luck James Taylor, keep doing what you’re doing… those poems ain’t gonna Bumble bio themselves.

Jojo, Meet Luke’s Tongue – Episode 6 Recap

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Last night on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her producer-picked squad travel to the city of “Good Airs”, Argentina, where Jojo apparently can’t think of a better place to fall in love, only because producers told her to say that. By this week, we still barely know who Derek is, but that he’s fun to look at, and that Lord Farquad is hard to look at if you don’t have spectacles.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and is shockingly enough the only person Jojo hasn’t kissed, seeing that girl lays her lips on anything with a soft-serve cone cut with shaved sides.

Wells is flipping a bitch and sweating profusely, because they obviously lack everything from a short conversation to a human connection.

The deep convo while walking to the date:
Jojo: “It’s raining.”
Wells: “Yeah. It’s raining.”

3-october-3

They get to a water show/performing arts center, where people are swimming in a suspended pool of water. Before the anticipated kiss, they awkwardly cheek kiss and I’d rather drown myself in that shallow pool than endure the awkwardness once again.

Wells spends 5 min. making excuses for every possible missed opportunity and finally grows a pair and is all, “Let’s try it out I guess?”
IT’S A FUCKING KISS, WELLS, NOT ANAL BEADS.

They finally kiss and Jojo lets out something like “FUCKING FINALLY”. Then they’re forced to sit through an equally awkward dinner when Jojo asks about Wells’ past relationships and he starts sweating, talking about his ex whom he claims the two ended up being better as best friends, which translates to, “She only ever thought of me as a friend.”

Jojo quickly sticks Wells back in friend zone territory, when he goes home, and she books it to the club where everyone is rolling balls around her while she waits for the molly to kick in. All we get to see is her standing in the middle of the dance floor smiling, but what producers didn’t show was her “White Chicks” rave choreo and the Argentinian orgy she brought home.

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JK. The next date is a group date with like 6 guys and James Taylor is hardcore boy-crushing all the other dudes.
James Taylor: “What am I doing here? These guys are really cool dudes.”

Jojo to the whole town: “These are all my boyfriends!”
The whole town: OK, whore…

They play soccer and Jordan scores a soccer goal and does an embarrassing touchdown victory dance he was never able to do standing on the sidelines in the NFL.
Jojo: “ONG, you’re stomach’s so hard.”
Jordan: “If you like that, you should see my ————”

Producers paid off the goalie so that James Taylor could score a goal and an annoying pity kiss. But then, still obvs threatened, shit talks Jordan for 15 min straight due to a poker altercation between the two. James has nothing interesting to say about himself, so he goes straight for the Jordan take down and also “Can I just kiss you?” Smooth.

Jojo brings Jordan out to set the record straight for the 12th time, and Jordan says it’s all a lie, so Jojo instantly falls in love again. The tension between Jordan and James reaches an all-time Jordan’s pants tight, when he aggressively swirls his wine, and I can’t decide if I’m more nervous for a bitch fight to break out or for the wine to be wasted.

Jordan: “Whatever you have against me dominated my whole one-on-one time with Jojo.”
James: “OMG SAME.”

Jojo’s all ‘fuck this’ and goes outside to get beaver bashed by Luke for a solid 20 min, and he earns himself the group date rose for not being a little bitch, but mostly for the exceptional foreplay.

Then comes the two-on-one date between Derek and Chase, which is the most entertaining. Chase bitches out Derek for not being serious about this. The three of them walk into a tango lesson when Chase proves to us that his dancing skills are about as solid as James Taylor’s poems.

Derek’s having a blast while Chase is bitching the entire time. The dinner comes and Jojo hits it off with Derek and questions why Chase has been acting like a bitch, but she picks Chase over Derek, because decent guys and The Bachelor franchise just don’t mix.

The dramatic Spanish music plays for Jojo and Chase and is also served as a soundtrack for Derek’s confessional in the car ride home, where he goes all Yoda on America.
“Derek I am. Derek imperfect.”

He’ll probs be engaged in like 3 months to his high school girlfriend. Isn’t that how this franchise works?

At the cocktail party, Jordan pulls out all the safe words, like ‘engaged’, ‘future’ and ‘do life with you’… you know, like a prison sentence. But Jojo is back at it again, in love. The rest of the group proves what actual douche bags they really are:

-Luke has a burning question he needs to get off his chest: “I want to ask you something… so where we going next week?”

-Alex spends his time bitching about not getting enough attention.
“I’m just feeling overlooked.”
Yeah, clearly.

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-James Taylor still feels like chopped meat, “so I’m deciding to be the man and stay the course,” whatever the hell that means.

Jojo is down to one rose, when she pulls Chris Harrison aside saying she ‘can’t do this’, so he brings out an extra rose, and between Lord Farquad and male Taylor Swift, they both get to stay another week, only to both be eliminated next week, but hey… free vacation.

Alex: “This is some pity ass rose shit.”
Pretty much.

I wish they would just hire Chad to do commentary.

The Chad May Be Gone, But He’ll Forever Live On – Episode 5 Recap

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So I’ve come back from a Bachelorette break, and this craphole of a season just goes to show that I literally did not miss one thing because what I’ve learned from the past two episodes is that Jojo (AKA producers) still has the dick doctor, the basement serial killer Canadian and bacne-Chad thinking they stand a chance, and that Jordan still thinks he’s hot shit for being a benchwarmer even though it’s clear he’s gonna get laid in the coming weeks. ABC, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FINDING THESE PEOPLE, CRAIGSLIST? MEGAN’S LAW?

Jojo’s presence (with the exception of her boobs) apparently hasn’t been given a crap about since the last three episodes seeing that Chad has officially run out of his daily roid dosage and become the ultimate shitstorm carrying the ratings and that he’s capable of deep throating an entire yam. See? All caught up now.

The ep starts off where it left off in Pennsylvania in a town that was so desperately publicized by ABC because it’s not even good enough to be a drive-through town. Chad gets the ‘Olivia’ by Jojo on the two-on-one and left in a deserted forest at night, where footage of him wandering through the forest will probs be saved for the next shitty J. Lo horror film.

At the house, Alex arrives back from the date, clearly more stoked about Chad leaving than that other thing called Jojo, and it’s like the scene in Wizard of Oz where they’re cheering on the munchkin that slayed the witch. The guys’ bromance heats up as they kiss each others’ asses and sing “Ding! Dong! The Chad is dead!” They even host a burial for Chad using his penis-enhancing powder, courtesy of Evan.

Chad to all the guys: When this show’s over, I’ll fuckin’ find you and hunt you down.
Chad to all of America: She thinks I’m too intense, or something.

Evan: AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.
Chad: You’re rich, don’t you own dick companies?

The rose ceremony only gets worse when all the guys turn into a pack of hormonal seventh grade girls and start picking on each other. Chase somehow pulls giant blow-up balls out of his ass and makes Jojo get in one while wearing a floor-length ball gown. The only thing that would’ve made this better would be them going full-force toward each other, and she goes flying across the patio.

One guy: Jojo, I wrote you a poem.
Jojo: K can we hurry this up?

While all the guys are bitching about each other and losing at life, Jordan and Jojo are having sex on the other side of the wall. Smooth.

We say goodbye to some guy I don’t know and Damn Daniel the Canadian, who thinks that if this competition were based off looks, he’d still be there. Clearly he’s never watched The Bachelor before.

Daniel: “My body had nothing to do with this.” – It actually had everything to do with this.

Next stop is Punta de aeiojfjse in Uruguay, which looks like a city you’d see wells as the main water source and a mad trafficking problem. But nothing is worse than hearing a bunch of white guys (and Grant) trying to pronounce “Uruguay” for 2 hours straight.

To nobody’s surprise, Jordan gets the one-on-one date and they spend the whole day giving the yacht driver a soft core porn show, but then Jojo grills his ass at dinner, and he responds by chugging his drink while shitting his pants.

Jojo: “I randomly ran into your ex that talked the most shit on you, and I heard you were a cheat-”
Jordan: “No I didn’t.”
Jojo: I’m just so glad everything with Jordan is cleared up now.

Meanwhile, the guys are back home getting haircuts, courtesy of Vinny the barber, who ironically has the worst haircut of the group. They coincidentally come across American gossip magazines in Uruguay that reveal that Jojo is still seeing her ex. WHO LET THESE PEOPLE NEAR A MAGAZINE?! THIS IS BULLSHIT, ABC.

Jojo is on Cloud 9 after clearing everything up with Jordan, when the producer’s are all, “Chad’s gone now, so let’s just fuck with her.”

Guys to each other: That’s some shady shit she’s pulling. I’m rethinking everything.
Guys to Jojo when she confronts them: I can’t believe he would do that. you’re totally here for the right reasons.

Jojo takes the group date to the desert where Lace was abandoned two seasons ago and they go sandboarding. Derek, who crept up out of nowhere, gets the group rose and Alex goes into major bitch mode for no reason. Derek calls them out for being a bunch of cliquey bitches and Alex’s Napolean Complex reaches an all-time high at like 5 feet.

Alex calls Derek a ‘little bitch’ and should probably be careful tossing around the term ‘little’ when talking to all of America.

Jojo takes Robbie on the next one-on-one date where they grab some tacos that are banned by the FDA, right before the food cart stranger asks them if they’re getting married.

Robbie: BRB, I’ma go jump off that cliff.

Robbie, who’s obviously done his Jojo research, knows that the way to her heart is to pull the “I love you” card EVEN AFTER THE FIRST TIME YOU HANG OUT WITH HER.

Robbie: Jojo, I know that I’ve fallen in love with you.
Jojo: I love you too, Jordan.

Later on, Chris Harrison arrives at the rose ceremony and is all, “The cocktail party has been cancelled on account of Jojo not wanting to be put through another shitty poetry reading or crappy guitar serenade.”

We said goodbye to Grant the fireman and Evan AKA Todd from Wedding Crashers when he was all, “THAT PAINTING WAS A GIFT JOJO.” The real MVPs yet again, were Jojo’s boobs, who showed more face than Vinny the barber, who somehow cried hysterically after also being eliminated tonight.

I already miss Chad, but I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise.