Nick Viall is back on the saddle for what America can only hope is his last attempt at finding love on national television after being canned like 12 other times… but for real, I was actually starting to miss spending every week with him for the past two years.
The night many have been waiting for for the sole purpose of having an excuse to drink wine on a Monday again has finally arrived. Honestly though, I don’t even feel that bad for Nick because if he doesn’t come out of this with a girl on his fourth attempt at conquering a reality television love, he’ll prob be able to submit himself into the Guinness Book of World Records… or just rehab.
Nick is screwed from the get-go when his so-called ‘pals’ from the previous seasons of The Bachelor literally shit all over him directly to his face. After pretty much admitting he has no hope, Chris Soules: Super Successful Bachelor Enthusiast, gifts Nick with a “Bachelor” survival kit courtesy of Target’s travel toiletries section. Ben Higgins tells Nick in preacher-tone that Nick isn’t as shady as he used to be, but still kinda a d-bag, because he’s clearly the center of all reason, considering the monstrosity of a show that is Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever Whatever.
Nick’s intro is filmed mostly shirtless in Chicago and in the shower, and I can’t decide if I’m more concerned that he’s incapable of saying the word “BASSHHHELOR” or that Jillian’s black censor box was bigger than his…
But the whole reason why we’re here is to watch 30 of America’s most eligible bachelorettes make us feel like we’re at least slightly normal while they attempt to make only themselves believe that Nick is the SOLE reason why they’re here… because every girl dreams of marrying a 3-time reality TV rejectee.
So here are the eight profiled women, not in order of Can-I-Just-Die-Now:
Rachel (Civil Defense Litigator and only one of age to rent a car): She gets the first impression rose so she’s safe for at least half the season. But the bummer about seemingly normal girls on The Bachelor is that they automatically get tossed into the ‘K so what the hell is wrong with you?’ category. In due time…
Vanessa (Special-ed teacher/actual angel): Is every man’s fantasy for multiple reasons: She speaks like 15 languages and also rocks the shit out of that Spiderman dress she wore.
Corinne (Owner of platinum vajine & actual in-house slave): Quickly claims her throne as this season’s Regina George when she Veruca Salt’s daddy into giving her his multi-million dollar company. She’s more oblivious than a cucumber and also apparently isn’t capable of cutting one herself. Just no.
Raven (By far the best dressed in Arkansas): May have needed subtitles to comprehend, but she lives by family, faith and football and making America great again.
Danielle L. (Probably another business owner): I literally remember nothing about her except that she brought her A-game, her D-cups and could SLAY in a Pantene commercial.
Danielle M. (Neonatal nurse from Nashville): Cute but far too normal and boring for Bachelor standards. Better luck with Prince Farming.
Alexis (Marine life challenged, grade-A nut job): My favorite act of the night by far, but mostly because of Katy Perry’s Left Shark with heels pairing. This also undoubtedly earns her at least a few more weeks, and the fact that she got blackout wasted and actually got in the pool AND got a rose makes her an all-around MVP.
Liz (ghost from Nick’s fuckboy past): In case it wasn’t clear, Liz had sex with Nick. Liz rejected Nick when he asked her for the pity phone number after said bone sesh. Liz thinks she has an easy ‘in’ because Nick might remember her. Nick whips out reverse fuckboy psychology on Liz saying she could’ve reached out if she were actually interested. Liz will still become Instagram famous after she’s canned next week.
“Nick doesn’t remember me, but I’m totally ok with it because MYSTERY.”
-A really sad untrue quote.
Animals seemed to be a popular choice last night when one girl rode in on a camel. The entire house seemed envious of the entrance, but it wasn’t until sweet Lacey opened her mouth, and everything went south. “I heard you like a good hump.” In her defense, it’s probably not entirely false.
A few other noteworthy mentions go out to Josephine, who presented Nick with a raw uncooked hot dog inside a book, and word-vomitted the line, “You’re a weiner in my book.” To make matters worse, she also made a straight man deep-throat dick-shaped food on national television.
Jamie used her septum nose ring as a prop to kick off her line, “I’ve got balls, just like you!” which immediately confused all of America because she may actually have a pair of testicles.
Another contestant was a mental health professional who put her heard-earned degree to good use by looking for love on the one show guaranteed to make every woman develop some type of mental illness over time.
Taylor relayed the message to Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit, and Lauren attempted to win his heart over by saying that his last name was atrocious, but that it’s totally ok because together their two last names, Viall and Hussy, formed a ‘disgusting slut.’
The rose ceremony couldn’t have been more uneventful and predictable. Corinne and her sexual aggression went in for the awkward makeout, sending her farther down the shit list. The entire rose ceremony consisted of Liz regretting giving Nick a mediocre handy 9 months ago, and Kristina, who nobody cares about, crying because she somehow became so invested in Nick within 2 hours and probably won’t get a rose.
But shocker, she did which means RIP next week, Kris.