On last night’s episode of The Bachelor, we learned that Nick is clearly as over this season as we were from day one after he showed no interest in any girl on literally every date he went on, so much so, that he took every opportunity to dump as many girls as the number of times he’s been dumped in Bachelor history, which in mathematical terms is like a shit ton.
Also RIP Shamu, you will be incredibly missed…
The ep kicked off when Taylor managed to escape Shutter Island and return back to New Orleans only to scour the city aimlessly until she conveniently walks into the exact location of Nick and Corinne’s dinner. Ok.
She interrupts them only to reiterate everything she’s already said to Nick about Corinne for the 38th time.
Taylor: REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES, Nick.
-Probably Taylor’s Twitter bio
Meanwhile, Corinne: What I learned today was that cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.
-I have no idea wtf that means, but it was petty and epic and everything I love about Corinne nonetheless.
The girls revisit Boo’s haunted mansion from last episode, where the rose ceremony is held. They’re all pumped to try and get some potential final words in with Nick before the fate of their Instagram sponsorship deals set in, when Chris Harrison delivers the fateful news:
Chris Harrison: Tonight, Nick has chosen to forgo your individual bullshit sob stories this evening, so let’s not be here longer than we have to.
We say goodbye to Josie & the Pussycats, Jaimi with the big balls and Shark Girl.
Nick to the girls: We’re about to travel to a place with luscious sandy beaches, clear blue water, crisp fresh air, and all-around romance!
*way to read off the cue cards…………….
Vanessa, on the other hand: Did you know that this is the 100th year that this island is in the U.S.’ possession?
Kristina gets this week’s one-on-one date, and at first I thought this was a one-way ticket home because she’s probably said 4 words and they seem to lack a connection in just about every category, but then she whips out the secret ingredient.
Kristina’s story in a nutshell: She was adopted from Russia after living in an orphanage for years because her mom kicked her out of the house after she told her not to eat food, and she went behind her mom’s back and ate lipstick because she was starving.
It’s actually a really touching story and this girl seems very genuine, and Nick would literally have to be a child of the Anti-Christ if he did not give her the rose.
Kristina: “I was told that my life in Russia is black and white, but when I move to America my life will be in color.”
*Thinking like 99% of America would have to respectfully disagree right now.
Thankfully Nick DID give her the rose, and she’s safe… until most likely next week.
I really can’t even comprehend what the fuck happened on the next group date that went from casual day drinking to torrential downpour in a matter of minutes. The girls’ periods have clearly synced up faster than my own damn Wifi, because they apparently all just realized on Week 6 of The Bachelor that this is a COMPETITIVE REALITY DATING SHOW.
*Side note and also my new mantra*: Don’t stop finding love until you find someone who looks at you the way Corinne looks at her nannies.
Actual representation of all 6 girls after five minutes into this date:
WTF WAS IN THOSE TEQUILA SHOTS, ABC? Also, Jasmine is exhibit A, B, C, and D: ALL OF THE ABOVE, as to why you should never combine tequila shots and sports with a competitive dating show.
Raven: If Jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip, because she’s turned all the way up.
-Currently cringing that that actual quote came out of someone’s mouth, but also I don’t disagree.
Jasmine: I’ve been to St. Thomas already, I don’t need to be here.
-Shit said by the underdogs.
Jasmine to Nick: It’s so unfair that I’m being overlooked. I KNOW YOU SEE ME. LOOK AT ME!
Jasmine: I want to throw your ass down and choke you… FUCK!
Nick: I appreciate you sharing, but after listening to your honesty, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. And also to stay 100 feet away from me at all times.
DEUCES, JAZZY B. SEE U IN PARADISE.
There were probably a total of 12 words spoken throughout the entirety of Whitney and “D-Lo’s” two-on-one date. Pretty sure half of America didn’t even know Whitney’s name until halfway through this date.
Nick to Whitney: You’re such a calming presence. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re pretty.
-Things people say when they actually don’t even know a person
Seeing that talking to a blank wall is more exhilarating than bearing any more awkward silence with Whitney, Nick dumps Whitney.
Whitney: You really think that Danielle is ready for a relationship?
Also girls at home: D-Lo isn’t even close to wanting an engagement right now.
Since when is everyone bagging on D-Lo? She has a house nickname!
Nick takes Danielle to dinner, and as if the horror music doesn’t give away her sudden death, this convo def does:
Danielle: Dancing is so fun.
Danielle: It seems like forever ago that we first met.
Nick: So crazy.
Danielle: It’s so insane.
Nick: So what qualities do you look for in a relationship?
Nick: If there’s anyone I wanted to see at the end of this, it was you. Can I walk you out?
Way to dump more salt in the wound, Nick.
Nick walks into the girls’ hotel room, hysterically crying because he’s scared this won’t work out with any of the 6 remaining girls, who are already feeling like shit after a horrendous group date:
None of the girls fall for his dramatic exit, until next week when Corinne and her platinum vagine strike again. #WrapItUp
I miss Alexis already…