I Give It A Month – The Bachelor Finale & After The Final Rose Recap

It’s about damn time that Chris Harrison was finally even the slightest bit truthful when he mentioned that last night, on the 21st season, 15th year, and 3987734th episode featuring Nick Viall of The Bachelor, the most dramatic and shocking thing ever would happen, and that thing is that somebody in their right mind actually said yes to Nick Viall. *gasp*

Even Chris Harrison couldn’t pass up an opportunity to sock Nick where it hurts one last time, kicking off the entire finale with “WILL NICK FINALLY BE SUCCESSFUL ON HIS DESPERATE SEARCH FOR LOVE?” You know he damn well voluntarily wrote his own script too.

Anyway, in the start of the ep, we’re treated to one of the final sights of Nick frolicking through the streets of Finland, just as Raven did post-climax:

Raven and Nick pay a visit to his family once again following their unannounced soccer game run-in on week three, which also happens to be the first time Raven Freudian slipped the first “I love you”. Nick’s parents look like they want to fucking shoot themselves the entire time, but then again, nobody forced them to be here a third time.

More than ever before, we see that Nick is a spitting image of his father, as he was gifted with the impressive genetic ability to mumble a bunch of shit under his breath without anyone actually knowing what he just said, and also his incessant release of unnecessary sobs at any given moment.

Nick’s dad to Raven: This process has been excruciating and tbh fucking embarrassing for us all.

Dad clearly isn’t dicking around this time when he grills Raven on how she thinks Nick actually feels: “So what did Nick say when you told him you loved him?”
Raven: “Nothing, but I honestly prefer that he didn’t say it and still hasn’t.”
-Shit you will never hear come out of a woman’s mouth

The only person Raven seems to be vibing with at all that night with was Nick’s 12-year-old sister/Viall family empress, Bella.
Raven: If anyone can vouch for me tonight, it’s def Bella.
Ray’s first mistake was unabashedly leaving her fate in the hands of a prepubescent child who’s only problem in life is turning in her girl scout cookie money in time.

Vanessa’s date with the family unsurprisingly resulted in nothing but absolute misery and seemed to be a premonition of what’s to come in any sort of future Nick and Vanessa may have together: Refusing to sacrifice Sunday lunch, hesitation about marriage and tears.

Vanessa goes into unnecessary detail about the time she vommed all over Nick on their first date which miraculously turned into love at first yack AKA shit that’s only semi-believable in a college frat house.
Mom: Nick, this is where you chime in.
Nick: Yeah, I mean I had fun.
-hard-hitting romance.

V then spits off all the things she doesn’t like about Nick to the family, causing them all to spiral into a vortex of sudden uncontrollable sobs, so it’s evident at this point that Nick chooses her at the end of this due to his consistency in solid decision-making.

Nick’s hesitation with Vanessa reaches an all-time FUCKING DUH, so naturally the next best thing is to get a second opinion. Clearly ABC is running out of date ideas in Finland when they stumble into a forest to get fertility advice from Finnish St. Nick, who stalked them from the forest harder than I stalk my ex’s girlfriend.
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OH HELL NO.

I’ve never seen Vanessa so happy in the entire season of The Bachelor than the moment she unveiled her weird fucking obsession with Santa Claus.

Zero questions are answered resulting in a total waste of 20 minutes that we’ll never get back, and the only gift that was handed down by rapey Santa was a fertility wood carving of ‘Niko and Venla’ from the Undebeli Tribe.

“It’s nice to hear that Santa sees a future between us.”
-an actual thing said by a full grown adult.

Raven and Nick spend their final date ice skating and the only thing more shocking than nobody falling through the frozen pond was that unlike the entirety of Vanessa’s date, nobody fucking cried. Nick seems to genuinely enjoy himself with Raven, which means Vanessa is the obvious winner.

Raven: So do your parents like me?
Nick: It would have to take a lot for them not to like you.
-an unconvincing swerve for ‘they actually don’t give a fuck about you’

Then out of nowhere, Nick dodges any further interrogation from Raven by presenting her with three puppies as a means to ease the pain of the breakup that’s about to ensue.

If Raven were smart:

Neil Lane, who is now on a first and last name, PIN number and SSN basis with Nick, whips out his assortment of heinous chunky Super Bowl champ last season rings. Nick acting like he’s completely clueless about ring cuts by now, fools nobody.

The rose ceremony, to nobody’s surprise, is only proof that Nick lives for the drams and will probably end up on Bachelor in Paradise this season, seeing that a future with Vanessa is similar to voluntarily sprinkling gasoline on an open flame.

Raven handles her rejection like a fucking boss, giving Nick the silent treatment while thinking about the next Mumu swim suit sale in preparation for Paradise. He walks her out sans winter coat as fast as he can, prob to avoid the possibility of a Christian Louboutin-shaped gash in his head.

Little does Nick know, this will be the last time he has any sort of control in his relationship with Vanessa until it goes to shit after his elimination on week three of Dancing With the Stars.

Vanessa’s speech to Nick makes me want to stick my fingers down my throat when she says she never thought Nick would notice a girl like her, which is almost as infuriating as a girl half my size saying she really wants to lose three pounds.

Nick finally proposes in what is the most anticlimactic season finale yet, and now I have NOTHING TO LIVE FOR UNTIL TWO MORE MONTHS.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

The finale of The Bachelor was apparently so god awful that they were forced to bring Rachel out and start her season of The Bachelorette in the same night.

Raven makes her grand return after 4 weeks on the breakup diet, a tanning membership and (possible nose job?) only awaiting the day she gets penetrated by Chad in Paradise, when she relays her final words to Nick which were the icing on top of an epic burn: “I’m just glad you didn’t get rejected a 12th time!”

Nick and Vanessa did their best to persuade Bachelor nation into thinking they could even tolerate sitting next to each other for a full hour. Even Raven looked happier being dumped than Vanessa did being engaged.

The look of true infatuation:

V finally reveals that she is working toward moving into U.S. territory, because true love is supporting your soon-to-not-be husband in his next pathetic attempt at reality television.

Rachel then comes out looking HOT AS FUHHHH and Chris Harrison uses this to his full advantage.

Chris: Soooo you excited to meet your potential men?
Rachel: OMG I CAN’T WAI——
Chris: GOOD, CAUSE IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW…….

Little does Rachel know, she would be greeted with four of her potential suitors who’s pickup lines aren’t even good enough to be featured on Tinder, and also borderline offensive. Seriously producers, have you not ANY respect for the one woman who seems to want to take this crap seriously? On the other hand, let the shit show begin.

Demario: Front-runner of the four men, which still isn’t saying much. Also freaked the fuck out of the world when he presented Rachel with a ring that’s most definitely not Neil Lane, and tickets to elope in Vegas. So extra, but impromptu plane tix and a ring = money?

Blake: The next Chad who charms Rachel with the ‘you smell good’ line and tells her he ‘wasn’t planning on this’, which is just as believable as the time I tried to tell people ‘my friends made me audition for The Bachelor’. He ends his first impression with a painful side hug that sticks him in forever friend-zone territory.

Dean: Calling it now – this dude has a girl back home that he promised he would come back to and share his earnings with after the show. Said girlfriend also appears mid-season to warn Rachel of said douchebaggery, causing Dean’s extinction.
*Also Dean used the term ‘I’m ready to go Black and never go back’ which means that his group of all-white friends definitely paid him to say that.

Eric: Gives Rachel a geography lesson of their current whearabouts: “Me from Baltimore. You from Texas. We both here now. It’s a miracle season. What am I?” I don’t even know what the fuck that was supposed to mean, but saved face with an epic dance so I’m holding out hope for Eric.

If these four are any indication of what to expect next season, then we’re in for a treat.

Don’t miss me too much.

Raven Got Her Groove Back – The Bachelor Recap Episode 10

I know last week I bitched about producers gyping us with a bullshit one-hour episode, but after hour 2.5 last night, I was genuinely thinking about taking a sharpened pencil to my eyeball. But GUESS WHO GOT HER GROOVE BACK?! I honestly think I’m more satisfied hearing that Raven was finally satisfied than I will be to see who wins this whole thing.

Really the only question anyone even cared about knowing the answer to was whether or not Raven would achieve precious orgasm, and seeing that she’s never really been one to beat around the bush (no pun intended) when it comes to rattling off personal info we really could’ve gone without hearing, we knew she wouldn’t let us down.

Producers clearly didn’t waste any time in egging on the whole “Climaxgate” as Raven and Nick wake up in a tiny igloo-shaped cabin that fit a bed, and ONLY a bed.

Raven to her close secret confidants AKA the cameras: “Nick is prettttty good at what he does. Safe to say I’m pretty satisfied this morning.”

I feel like since she’s gotten so good at faking orgasms with her drunk ex for two years, she’s now completely incapable of differentiating fabricated and factual completion.

We then get to witness the most classy walk of shame as Raven parades around Finland making snow angels and kissing reindeer. Honestly, I would’ve believed that Raven had an actual orgasm if she left the hotel wearing last night’s gown, one less shoe and accidental volumized second-day curls:
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Rachel arrives to what she’ll soon find out is ironically the most miserable white-person activity ever: cross-country skiing.

Rachel, probably:

Nick then admits that he’s falling for Rachel, which 1. is against all rules of Bachelor verbalism and 2. is a serious dick move considering all of America knows he’s about to dump her. She spends the morning DGAFing hardcore in a penguin onesie after putting on just as fake of a satisfied face as she did as with Nick the night before.

Rachel watching Nick walk away thinking about dating 30 guys next month:

Vanessa prances up to Nick like ‘bishhh I got this in the bag.‘ Oh but if you thought shedding 12 pounds of sweat in four layers of clothing while cross-country skiing was horrendous, try dunking in an ice bath three times, you know, just to see who can reach life-threatening levels of frostbite first.

Just as Vanessa’s hometown date went to shit, so does this date as they spend the entire time fighting about how Vanessa won’t compromise spending Sundays in Canada eating lunch with her family.

Vanessa: Relationships are all about compromising.
Also Vanessa: I refuse to miss out on Italian lunches.

Vanessa again: Would you ever consider moving to Canada?
Nick: Uhhh, like don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m tryna make America great again n shit.

Shouldn’t this have been talked about on like date 3? Seems like a pretty big deal breaker. But apparently the only thing on Nick’s mind was having subpar missionary makeup sex with Vanessa.

The rose ceremony was absolutely useless because obviously Rachel was about to get canned. During the ceremony, Nick begins to cry, but in all seriousness, I’d be concerned if he didn’t. Without any explanation, he dumps Rachel, lets her go without any actual reason why he suddenly had a change of heart… WAY TO TOIL WITH OUR EMOTIONS AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THESE TWO HAD THE BEST CHEMISTRY, ABC. I honestly think he was paid to let her go so she could be the first black bachelorette.

Now he’s stuck with either trying to not get beat in the head with a stiletto by Raven or shoving ravioli down his throat every weekend with Vanessa’s whacked out family. Sucks to suck, Nick.

Raven Can’t Get No Satisfaction – The Bachelor Episode 9 Recap

As if Andi Dorfman’s unnecessary drop-in, Raven the orgasm virgin, and that fucking turtleneck sweater weren’t a big enough combo of boner-killers, ABC has just knowingly gifted us with the ultimate case of blue balls after cutting this week’s episode short an entire hour. I feel like producers were completely checked out like 4 weeks ago because it’s like they constantly want us to feel Raven’s frustration of NEVER BEING SATISFIED.

Andi kicks off the ep by barging into Nick’s hotel room with the sole purpose of dishing out all the rest of the digs she had on him that didn’t make the cut in her first book, seeing that it was unsurprisingly NOT considered for a sequel.

She’s like the type of girl in the bathroom line you don’t know but automatically hate because she speaks like 12 decibels higher than everyone else just to hear herself talk about her ex-hookup not liking her Instagram pic.

Andi: Wait so these girls all actually stuck around?
America:

Andi: So you gonna bone these girls?
Nick: Idk can you get off my dick now.

Andi: Do you ever look back and wish that you wouldn’t have told everyone that we fucked on national television?
Nick:

Andi’s final words to Nick: “Good luck, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love!”
-The kind of condescending shit my roommate says to me before I leave for a Bumble date.

While Nick and Andi are enjoying their whiskey in a cozy heated hotel room, the four remaining girls are downstairs in the windy frigid temperatures of New York City waiting to find out their fate.

Nick to Corinne: ‘BYE, BYE, BYE.’
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Corinne’s limo confession is for sure every tearful drunken conversation I’ve ever had with my Uber driver after Sunday Funday:

Corinne leaves The Bachelor just as we remembered her, assembling in full nap mode with a glass of champs. Until next season of Bachelor in Paradise!

The remaining three and Nick travel to Finland AKA the PERFECT place to fall in love, which would be much more believable coming out of Chris Harrison’s mouth had this not been Nick Viall’s fourth season.

Also Corinne would never in a million years be seen with Nick wearing that ugliest effing turtleneck sweater I’ve ever seen.

Producers got real creative with the season’s truth bomb confession considering there were no virgin contestants this time around, so they whipped out the next best thing: Raven’s inability to reach sexual completion.


-Right, so leave it to the dude who’s dressed like an uncircumcised penis to get the job done…

Raven tells Nick she’s only been ‘sexually active’ with one other guy, like the lie I tell to my gyno every year.

Raven builds up to the climax (no pun intended) of her sappy spiel by telling Nick she’s never felt this way about a guy: “The feelings I have for you don’t even come close to the times my ex of two years only ever confessed his love to me when he was drunk.”

Nick, holding back tears: “Now I’m gonna get choked up.”
…maybe it’s your turtleneck idk

As if this episode couldn’t get any more excruciatingly painful, Chris Harrison concludes the half-assed 60 seconds we’ll never get back with, “Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?!”

Too bad Raven’s ex didn’t live past the Hoxie stiletto homicide to tell his side of the story…

Hometowns Gone Haywire – The Bachelor Episode 8 Recap

Is it just me or is it getting to the point where every time Nick Viall enters a room, he’s like the Ross Gellar of saying hello, giving you that feeling of kinda wanting to kill yourself.

Nick has lost all sight of his manhood at this point in the show, seeing that we’ve witnessed more depression confessions featuring his own tears than any other girl combined this entire season. At this point, the four remaining girls are fed up with Nick continuing to act like he may not even choose any of them at the end of this. QUIT PLAYING GAMES NICK, BITCHES GOT TEETH WHITENING SHIT TO PROMOTE.

Back in Bimini, the girls are talking amongst themselves before Nick enters the room with four roses in his hand, seeing that he dumps every girl before the rose ceremony even begins, so what’s the point at this rate. He then blabs a bunch of stuff about being grateful to have four amazing women who don’t care that they’re all hooking up with the same dude and gives them all a rose, SO YAY FOR HOMETOWNS AND FOR NOT HAVING TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND IN BUMFUCK BIMINI.

Raven’s Hometown Date: Hoxie, AR

Raven takes Nick on an ATV ride through the backroads of Arkansas’ finest mud fields. They end up at a water tower, where Raven reveals that only the biggest secrets are told here, which probably includes the murder of like 3 of her exes.

Raven: That’s why these water towers are so big, they’re full of secrets!!!!

Is it a requirement that your accent becomes thicker once you re-enter the gates of the Bible Belt? Bcuz where are the subtitles.

They get halfway up the water tower when a cop interrupts them, but this is The Bachelor and bail money is not in the budget so of course this is fake.

Raven’s brother/Cop:

…Because what else would you be doing at a secluded water tower in AR?

Raven and Nick carry on with their date driving through what I can only assume is partial cow shit, which also apparently serves as the perfect opportunity to strip down and further roll around in.

Raven is also fooling nobody with her premeditated white T-shirt scheme that just so happens to end up soaked.

They get back Raven’s house when her family decides to reveal real heavy shit for a reality dating competition show:

Raven’s mom: Sooooo your daddy is cancer free!!!
Actual representation of Nick:

Nick was clearly given zero fucks about on this date, so producers make him blurt out a bunch of sappy BS to this guy he’s never met before, following a near-death health scare.

Nick: Dude, congrats on surviving and all. That’s so chill.

Raven then manages to perfectly dodge the whole ‘I love you’ thing by using every other synonym for the term: “There is no hesitation on my end about how strong my feelings are for you and what is to become of this possible relationship.”

Pretty sure she word-hacked that message loud and clear to Nick on like week 3 but who’s counting…

Nick’s final words to Raven: “I’m really glad.”

Rachel’s Hometown Date: Dallas, TX

In case you guys had no idea, Rachel is black.

I am so excited for Rachel’s season because we now get to witness her family scare off not the first, but the second white guy Rachel brings home. Rachel takes Nick to church in her hometown of Dallas, and not only does he stand out, because…. yeah, but he also gets called out by the pastor for being the only white guy in a 10-mile radius: “Nick have you ever been in this type of space before?”

Nick, while thinking about naked mud baths with Raven:

Nick walks into Rachel’s home, where he’s greeted by Rachel’s family, along with Rachel’s sister’s white husband AKA Joel Osteen on speed.

Rachel’s entire family, including Rachel’s brother-in-law treats Nick like he’s an unidentified life form who just landed on earth after living on Neptune for 36 years.

Brother-in-law: SO! I just can’t hep but notice that you’re white!

Rachel’s mom: Nick, do you know what each of these food items are?
Nick: I’m not from fucking Mars…

Family: So what do you like about Rachel?
Nick: She’s good looking, smart, challenging, knows what she wants, good looking…

Other white guy: HEHE — YOU SAID GOOD LOOKING TWICE.

I honestly think this dude was Nick’s deciding factor in dumping Rachel.

Corinne’s Hometown Date: Miami, FL

Corinne to Nick:

Every time a girl drags her boyfriend shopping, he should just automatically take the hint that his wardrobe is semi dogshit, because deep down, it’s never a question, but a demand. Corinne, like the rest of America, was sick of practically gagging at the outline of Nick’s balls in his thigh-shorts, so she dropped three-grand on him during a shopping spree.

Every salesperson knew Corinne’s name on a first-name basis because, production.

Nick is terrified at the idea of dating Corinne because that means he’s gonna have to sell a kidney on top of protein powder on Instagram to support her outrageously daddy-driven lifestyle.

The salesman, showing Nick the ugliest effing shirt I’ve ever seen: “It’s a classic piece.”
Corinne: IT’S A CLASSIC PIECE, NICK!

Corinne throws around ‘I love you’s’ as easy as she throws around 3K. Well played, Corn.

WHAT THE EFF IS NICK’S OBSESSION WITH ASKING WHAT THESE GIRLS CALL THEIR FATHERS… IS THERE SOME FUCKED UP DADDY FETISH WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT????

Corinne’s dad is probably my favorite Bachelor character of the whole season. Corinne and her dad manage to have an entire conversation in the third person about Corinne.
Dad: But is Corinne happy?
Corinne: I want someone who loves Corinne, and with Nick I see in him someone who can really care about Corinne.

The build-up to Raquel resulted in an anticlimactic exchange of her barely saying anything, to a forced conversation with Nick about Corinne, which was cut just before giving Nick her final wishes on tolerating Corinne:

I really can’t wait for Raquel to start up her own Instagram and sell house-cleaning products that have been passed down from generations, and also Greek Baklava recipes.

Dad: So what is he planning on doing for a living? Us Olympios’ don’t marry deadbeats…
Corinne: He used to sell software, and now he sells Instagram products, so it’s kinda like the same.

Corinne manages to once again convince her parents of anything, like that Nick is her person when her dad ultimately decides that Nick is the ‘missing lid to her pot’. I can’t wait for their first fight/breakup to be over an actual overpriced Mauviel Copper pot from Williams Sonoma, when self-proclaimed bargain shopper Nick goes, “I saw that for half price at Target.”

Vanessa’s Hometown Date: Montreal, QC, Canada

I love Vanessa just as much as the next narc, but Vanessa’s head is clearly up her own ass, as she thinks this whole time that there are no other girls Nick just met the families of and asked for all of their father’s blessings, you know, just in case he decides he wants to marry one of them in three weeks.

She takes Nick to meet her students, when they make a scrapbook filled with all of Vanessa’s half-nudes from her dates with Nick.

Vanessa to Nick: I also want you to really understand how it feels having divorced parents when having to go to two different homes for Christmas, so you’ll be doing this twice today.

Ugh so romantic.

Conversation literally couldn’t have gone better with Vanessa’s family:

Vanessa’s mom: So what really stood out to you when you first saw Vanessa?
Nick: When she got out of the limo, I was like DAMMMMMNN.
Mom: That’s not at all what I meant, you sick fuck.

Vanessa’s sister: Like I’ll literally hate you if you dump her.

Vanessa’s brother was like Amish Seth Green in Sex Drive, condescendingly asking Nick wtf he does for a living, already knowing where this convo was headed, just for his own comedic relief.

Really though, it’s kinda sad that nobody actually thinks Nick has the potential to financially support a family. But I guess without his Bachelor identity, he literally has nothing.

Vanessa’s dad’s house visit was equally just as nauseating when Nick asked for his blessing, going into this prob thinking, four for four suckassss, when shit hit the fan in record speed.

Dad: Did you ask the other girls’ dads the same quetsion?
Nick, with the attempt: In a way, I like casually ran it by them?
NICE.

Since this is The Bachelor, four blessings are obviously given all within a week, and everything was magical until Vanessa’s dad broke the news to her that this is, in fact, a competitive dating show and that she’s not the only woman on Nick’s radar. JESUS NOT EVERYTHING’S ABOUT YOU VANESSA DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS SHOW WORKS.

Rachel still didn’t get kicked off this week, and they postpone the rose ceremony so naturally they call upon Nick’s ex and newest-Big-Apple-resident Andi to stir things up, and probably reiterate all the shit he’s done wrong and to quit being a bitch. She kinda bugs.

Nick, The Sobmaster, Strikes Again – The Bachelor Episode 7 Recap

This week on The Bach, Nick’s period clearly synced up with the rest of the girls’, as he cried more times in two hours than I have while drunk at a bar like all last month. If this love thing doesn’t work out again for Nick, I really think soap operas are the way to go. Also ratings have gone to shit, so much that Rachel was announced the new Bachelorette before she even got kicked off so now we have to tune into the last four episodes bcuz WE HAVE TO FIND OUT HOW SHE GETS KICKED OFF….

All the girls are actually freaking out that he’s going to prematurely book it off the show, cutting his contractual obligation short four weeks before the final rose, buuuuut that’s not a thing.

Nick consults with licensed therapist Chris Harrison on the beach, who evidently has no sympathy for Nick after putting up with his brainless decisions for four years straight.

Chris Harrison: Are you ready to quit, Nick?
Nick: I mean yeah…
Chris: Well tough shit.

Nick makes it back to the girls’ house where tension is tighter than the hold his short-shorts have on his ballsac.

Nick: As you all know, this week’s been really tough for me, I’m not sure if I see my wife in any of you, but I should probably keep trying because I kinda have to, so here’s to the next attempt in Bimini…

The fuck is Bimini? Guaranteed this place has never gotten so many Google searches in its entire existence of being a thing. Also it’s apparently the perfect place to fall in love, which is impossible because it’s like 98% inhabited by locals.

Vanessa gets the one-on-one date with Nick.
Date card: Let’s go deeper.
**I’m really trying to refrain from making any sexual remarks about ‘going deeper’ bcuz I’ll be 26 this week and #maturity.

Corinne, group date whore, freaks out about never having a one-on-one date with Nick (really though, she hasn’t…?) and naturally brings down Vanessa by not being able to diss her at all.

Corinne: “There’s no depth with Vanessa, all she does is teach special-ed students, hang out with her family every week and make pasta.” Sick burn.

Vanessa and Nick’s date was going well until they sat down at dinner and she overconfidently word-vommitted her feelings onto him…

Vanessa: I could def see a future with you, and I know I’m falling in love with you.

Nick, bona fide charmer, goes full Juan Pablo on Vanessa:

Side note: You know when a guy freaks out after being caught in a lie, and he rambles on for like 10 minutes this BS you really don’t care about hearing just to cover his own ass and you let him keep talking just to humor yourself but you still don’t believe him? yahhhh…

Nick: I’m taking things really slow. If I’m lucky enough to say ‘I love you,’ I want to feel like I’m saying it for the first time. I’m just looking for the type of love I’ve never had before. I know there’s a greater love for me out there. Love, greatness, mush, blaaaasdljdflsdkjsag…

America:

ABC apparently decided that a group date consisting of swimming with sharks with no cage in the open ocean was a fantastic idea, soo is this how we’re doing ‘eliminations’ now orrrr…

Corinne, coming in hot with actual valid questions: “But are they toothless?”

Raven: I’ll punch the shit out of that shark if it gets close to me.
-Really not shocking considering she previously beat her ex with a shoe.

Kristina strategically catches on to the whole damsel-in-distress thing, acting terrified of the sharks and Nick flocks to her as she gets back onto the boat, leaving Corinne and Raven to soon become spray-tanned shark bait.

Kristina: “That was as scary as dancing onstage with The Backstreet Boys!”
-For sure the same thing.

During cocktail hour Nick almost dumps Corinne and then cries to her because God knows why, but the real issue here is that Nick has cried on every date up to this point, and also he has a prettier cry face than Kim K.

Corinne, is all of us: “I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings.”
I honestly feel like I’d relate to Corinne on a really spiritual level.

Of course Nick gives the rose to Raven, who he barely talked to and who seems the most indifferent about this whole thing.

On yet another recycled date, Danielle and Nick ride bikes to a local spot where unsupervised children are playing basketball. Clearly these two have nothing in common except for their height.

Nick: Soooo, hometowns next week.
Danielle: Yep. You excited?
Nick: Actually I’m nervous.
Danielle: Yeah, I’m like excited-nervous.
Danielle: It’s pretty out.

Their dinner was equally just as painful to watch…

Nick: We’re just two Wisconsin kids, hangin’ out…

Also clearly digging real deep for compliments: “You’re super fun to have fun with.”
Oh, and another: “Your face is pretty great.”

Danielle: I fear falling in love and putting my whole heart into something, because the last time I was in love, he died.
Nick, with the sick ass timing: I want that burning desire with you, but heart can’t get there. Can I walk you out?

On top of the rejection, Danielle now has to go pack her shit in front of all the girls who are trying their hardest to mourn with her, but really are like:

Producers then generate a never-been-done-before action plan for Corinne and her platinum vagine to sneak over and seduce Nick in his hotel room.

Corinne’s art of seduction sounded similar to a gave of Operation. “Keep two hands on at all times. Never jiggle it. And lightly massage.”

WHAT BODY PART ARE YOU EVEN REFERRING TO… asking for a friend…

Nick manages to cock block his own bone sesh: “But plz don’t feel bad, Corinne.”

That was literally almost as painful as watching Corinne trying to walk in her Christian Louboutins.

Corinne, prob trying to salvage her dignity:

Nick’s date with Rachel was like 12 minutes long, because producers were probably like, “this bitch is getting her own season, also we’re running out of date ideas on this shithole of an island.”

Nick asks about Rachel’s past relationships in hopes of finding out if she’s ever dated a white guy… and it’s obviously awkward.

Nick: What’s something you think sets me aside from any other guy you’ve brought home?
Smooth.

Nick clearly used the date with Rachel to round up some liquid confidence, only to blindside Kristina back at the house, maintaining his dumpage streak to an average of 2 per hour. Is he in a hurry to be done or something?

Corinne is freaking out that she still may not get the hometown rose as if she doesn’t know how this show works. Drink some champs and sit down. I’m getting a headache from this.

I can’t wait to meet Nanny Raquel next week GAAAKDFKJKLKLSDF WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR.